The Mirror

Sometimes we need a mirror to really see what we have transformed into, to see how far we have come over a matter of days, weeks, months or even years.

Yesterday a cashier i often see complimented me on how much weight i have lost and how well she feels i am doing on my weight loss journey.
The truth is though that as much as i have been thinking about trying to lose weight, i haven’t actually been actively trying lately. I have noticed that my belt is now easily doing up one hole smaller than usual so i guess that’s a good sign to show my body is changing shape, but the scales can’t be trusted as i have actually put on a bit of weight since i last weighed myself.

The jeans i am wearing today used to be a snug fit, they are now slightly baggy. Some of my tops are now looser than they used to be too.

Until yesterday though i hadn’t noticed anything myself. I hadn’t noticed the size of my waist shrinking, or how my jeans seemed to be getting looser.

It took someone else to point it out to me and i had to trust that they were telling the truth. I thought about what they had said for quite a while and realised that yes, they were correct- i must be losing some weight or something as my clothes are not fitting differently.

It is easy to constantly look at yourself in a way that would have you keep thinking bad thoughts about yourself. It is easy to believe that you are still very much overweight and are hopeless and unable to do many of the things that you wish you could. It is so easy to do as it is probably something you’ve been telling yourself- or worse still, what others have been telling you up until now.

There comes a time in everyone’s life when you have to shed those bad thoughts and step into a mindset of only absorbing goodness, of only taking in positive thoughts, positive words and positive people into your life.

The sooner you get rid of all things toxic from your life, the sooner you will give yourself the chance to change for the better.

Imagine you are looking into a mirror and seeing the true you, the new, healthier you. It can happen, it’s not just a fairy tale.
You just have to believe in yourself and those you have your best interests at heart.

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Facing the unknown.

Last week i ended up in the emergency department of the local hospital with severe pain, it turns out that i have 2 large cysts on an ovary, the smaller one had haemorrhage. I was given pain relief and antibiotics and sent home with  check up to follow.

Today i went back for the check up after not being able to stop thinking about all the “what if’s”. I came to the conclusion that if there was something wrong, i would rather have the cysts and the affected ovary removed if it was safe to do so.
I have a history of “women’s cancers” in my family so i don’t want to risk being another statistic.Also, I won’t be having any more children.

The head Dr had heard about my case and had been looking into it. By what i was told, i am led to believe that the cysts may have a chance of becoming cancer.
This news in itself did not concern me as i believe the hospital will do the best they can do to keep me well.
What it does do however is slightly scare me. Not knowing at this moment exactly what is happening with my body, not knowing if this issue is easily enough treatable or if it will shorten my life, and by how much.

The not knowing is scarier than what i do know.

I want to go into battle with my shoulders back, head held high, ready to face whatever comes my way.

It’s just that at this very moment…..

I am scared.

Losing sight of who i am.

Over the past few weeks i have realised that i am once again, losing sight of who i am.
It was really only last night that i realised this though.

I am not happy in my current job so thought i would look for a job i feel i am more suited to. I was able to find something i would like to do, but then when i thought about it more, i realised i am not able to apply for it.

I have a child who is doing really well in her chosen sport. So much so that she was chosen for the state training squad this year. I am very proud of her, but it made me pause before clicking on the “apply now” button on the job vacancy last night.

Even if i was to secure the job, i doubt i’d be able to take it. I don’t think the new employer would be happy if i was to tell them i had to leave 2-3 hours early each day and then on top of that, i wasn’t able to work weekends at all due to my husband and children’s sporting commitments (AKA: me needing to drive the children to their games throughout the entire day).

It made me wonder what i have become.
I have a job (which i should be thankful for as it was offered to me- i didn’t need to go job hunting), but some of the staff at my workplace take me for granted and we are forced to sacrifice half our lunch break at times so we can get back to work before our lunch break is officially finished.
I feel that i am on Earth now to just drive my children around where ever they need to be, to be able to drop what i am doing and do what my children tell me to.

A while ago i put in a submission to be a beta tester for a new mental health art kit. The artist told me she really wanted me to be a part of it and was looking forward to seeing and hearing about what i thought of the kit. I feel as though i was forgotten about and she has since started selling the kits (which means the beta testing must have already taken place). I am still quite hurt to think that she didn’t even contact me to say sorry, but we had an overwhelming response and you unfortunately didn’t make the final cut. I would have been happy with that, but i got nothing. I am more than patient so a small part of me is still hoping that a kit will arrive for my testing and opinion. Each day that passes though, makes me feel that i wasn’t good enough even though she personally told me she was looking forward to me testing it out for her.

I have been knitting a fair bit lately, i have made items for my family, gifts for friends as well as making some items to sell. I even made a page on a social media site and although i have managed to get a number of friends and random people like my page, no one has yet shown any interest in buying any of my items. I only made the page as i had a lot of people tell me how wonderful my handmade items were and how they would love to see them for sale. Now that the items ARE for sale, no one is showing any interest at all.
I won’t give up hope though, I plan to make more items and list those for sale as well. I can’t help but wonder if the way i photographed the items was what put prospective buyers off buying my goods? Maybe i just need to shoot the items differently?

I am sure i have a calling and that my skills will be useful somewhere; i just haven’t figured out what my calling is as yet.
I would love to work for myself as it would be easiest for me with the Doctor and specialist appointments i have had crop up in recent weeks and which will continue into the foreseeable future.
My current work is only casual so i tell my boss well in advance when i am unavailable, but she has recently started to get snappy when people tell her they are unavailable to work.

I feel as though i am disappearing, as though i am fading into nothingness. People will soon forget about me and not want to know me, even if i am standing in front of them.

I don’t want to be in the spotlight but i don’t want to be brushed aside and left for dead either.
That’s what i feel is currently happening to me.

Daily Prompt: Taper

I hoped and prayed that the vicious nature of her once beautiful soul would taper off and reveal the person she once was.

I hold a glimmer of hope that there is still a flickering light of love somewhere in the depths of her soul.
A glimmer of hope that she will one day realise that her current ways are detrimental to not only her own health and well being but to others too.

It scares me to think what she could possibly do if she was to ever go through with her threats. That is what scares me the most.

My once courageous feelings of knowing that i WAS capable of almost anything have, over the years, tapered right off as her behaviour worsened.
I know parenting is a never-ending series of lessons about life, but this is getting a bit much at times.

I hope that one day, all this negative energy and outrage will taper off so much so that is is a far off memory that we can all put behind us.

 

via Daily Prompt: Taper

What a day!

It’s been a day i’d rather forget. A day i would rather just wipe out of my life. Just fall asleep and start fresh tomorrow… or relive today in a totally different way.

My eldest child (a moody teen) let all her frustrations out on me today… only verbally, but i think those words she hurled at me caused more pain than if she had’ve done anything else instead.

She got me to the point where i was having suicidal thoughts. The words hurt that bad.
It was like my own teenage years had returned, the days of when i was constantly being bullied, taunted, tormented, teased, put down…..
Except this time, my biggest bully was my own daughter.
My own flesh and blood.

I wish i knew what i had done wrong to cause her to lash out like she did… it’s not the first time though, she often treats me like this. She says i don’t deserve any respect from her. I know i DO deserve respect, but a small part of me believes her as i know i haven’t been the best Mum, especially in the first couple of years of her life. I could have done more back then, but i was young, naive, and still learning how to be a parent myself.

I have spent a lot of the day not really able to complete anything that i wanted to. Nor have i really been able to continue on with the things i wanted to get done. I have simply hidden in the bedroom all day. It’s usually where i feel safe, but not today. Even when my younger three came in to spend time with me, i still didn’t feel safe.
My eldest came to the bedroom a few times (she was cleaning her bedroom today which was a miracle in itself so i didn’t want to say anything bad to her) just to curse at me, just to tell me what a horrid person i was, to tell me how worthless i was.

For someone who has such a low self esteem, it doesn’t take much for me to withdraw and feel so much less wanted than the most worthless thing you could ever imagine.

I have started doing crafts to try and find some enjoyment in life again, i am enjoying it when i put my mind to it and it seems others like what i do too as i have orders to make items for other people and they want to pay me for it. That has to be a HUGE compliment when someone likes what you do enough to want to pay you to make things for them too.

But then, like today, shit hits the fan and it feels like my whole world is collapsing around me, it feels like i am being sucked into a deep dark chasm, unable to get out, unable to breathe, unable to fight back. When life just gets too complicated, too hard.

It would just be easier to simply give up. Let the bullies win. I am sure that would then allow everything to return to some type of normality- if i wasn’t around to cause all this trouble and commotion.

I am incredibly sad… yet i have no tears left to cry. I’m all cried out, but oh so empty within.

I need to find myself. I need to find… to realise that i do still belong. That i belong somewhere. That i do have a place on this earth, that i am still wanted and needed.

I just don’t know how to find that out.

Nobody can hear my cries for help.

Twists and Turns

This evening i received a phone call from my Mum.

She was quite flustered, she asked me where her paperwork for her pre-paid funeral was.
I honestly do not have a clue as she went to do that with her Mum and brother some time last year.
All i could suggest was that she look in my late grandparent’s bedroom in the chest of drawers or cupboard as that is where i was told most of the important paperwork was kept. The only other things i can think of would be that she put it in a safe place in her bedroom or that her brother picked up her paperwork when he gathered his Mum’s paperwork to organise the funeral last year.

There was also a bit of general small talk between us, but on a number of occasions she kept saying how she has changed so much over the past 9 months and that i don’t know the real her and probably will never know the real her now.
Somehow, we ended up speaking for about 20minutes. If i had’ve known the phone call would have left me feeling so deflated and my anxiety levels rising at an ever increasing rate, i would have said i was unable to help and made the call as brief as possible, but i guess there was that little girl inside of me who was hoping to have a nice civil chat with her Mum which is why i stayed on the phone, mostly listening to everything she had to say to me (and in many cases, about me).

I am trying to get over the threats and other negative comments and gossip that her side of the family have been spreading about me over the past 10 months or so. I am trying to get on with my life, but it feels like when i am just about on top of everything and moving forwards with my life, something happens and she appears again and relays information or gossip that i really didn’t need to hear.
It is such a kick in the guts. It makes me feel so bad about myself again.

Just when things start looking bright for me, someone looms over like a dark threatening stormcloud; looking to ruin what would have been an otherwise beautiful day.

I just want to get on with my life. A couple of cruel individuals thought it would be a great joke to spread lies about me, to threaten me and my family, to make me feel unsafe when out in public and to turn all those who i had loved and called my family for all my life against me.
I can’t fathom why they would continue to do such a thing. They have taken so much from me, yet it feels like they seem to think it still isn’t enough.

When will the torment stop?
I can only hope i will continue to fight off the voices in my head and wake up every morning and try my hardest to find someone or something to live for.

No Control

Shaking.
Uncontrollable urges that don’t allow me to stand still.
I shake when i don’t want to.
Because of people who can’t control their anger.

I cry.
Tears of fear roll down my cheeks.
Those who made me cry show no remorse.
Heartless creatures with no soul whatsoever.

Anxiety grows.
I can’t function as i used to.
I constantly watch over my shoulder.
I fear the animal who has no intention of stopping the torment.

Depression sets in.
The threats, the anger, the heartlessness.
It’s all too much to handle, my body can’t take it.
My mind starts to thin violent thoughts of self-harm.

Death seems safer.
It seems like a better option than living.
It makes me feel like it’s the option to take the pain away.
There seems to be no other way t make things better.

I plead.
I plead for help.
I scream out for help but i have no voice.
No one can see my pain or hear me reaching out for the help i need.

It’s gone full circle.
My body trembles and shakes.
I am back to where i started, I’m shaking.
Those uncontrollable urges are back and i can’t stand still…

Overthinking

I was just briefly chatting to a friend on a social media site and she mentioned how crazy it is that we often bump into each other online at some crazy hour of the night/morning… like now.

I do agree with her. Why do we often find it so hard to relax our minds and bodies of an evening, why is it so hard to get ready for a restful night’s sleep? Why does it seem hard to allow our bodies the time it needs to recharge and get ready for the following day?

I jokingly said to her i believe that i am most creative at this hour, she thought a similar thing adding that we must also stay awake due to the snoring coming from the rest of the household sleeping.

And yes, I am typing this while i sit on the bed, my husband laying down next to me, snoring- quite loudly at times… and also passing wind much louder and more projected than what he seems capable of when he is awake.

That’s not the only reason why i am awake though, i feel the biggest cause of my insomnia is due to so many things going through my mind. Some of the things i can pinpoint but most of them i can’t. I am sure it’s something in my subconscious mind that i must try to block out most of the time, but once i relax enough and start to feel creative… that’s when those locked away thoughts come flooding back to the forefront of my mind and interrupt my train of thought, stall my ability to get tired enough to fall asleep or influence my mind so much that i trigger myself and end up having an anxiety attack.
It really is not a good feeling, not being able to  control my own thoughts. It often makes me feel child-like again, child-like in a bad way. It makes me feel useless and unwanted plus that main thing i have noticed is that these bad thoughts seem to be magnetic- they attract other people to take out their frustrations on me. Other people seem to put me down or blame me for things i have no control over when i am feeling bad about myself.

I need to learn how to live in the moment more. I need to learn to stop over thinking.

But how does one NOT overthink?

Change can be scary

The past couple of weeks have been crazy and somewhat scary.

Things haven’t changed too much in what i have been used to doing, but the reasons i am doing what i am have changed.

2 weeks ago i began a paid Casual job. This is the first paid job i have had since 2002.
It isn’t too different to what i have been doing as a volunteer for the past two years, there are a few extra tasks involved, but nothing too scary.
Now i get to handle money more, take EFTPOS payments, be more involved in allergy alert and Gluten Free food orders.

I guess the scary thing is more those tasks which have to be learnt and remembered and then be able to be done automatically without much thought going into them. Things such as delivering staff lunches to the correct staff rooms.
There are close to 10 staff rooms and knowing which lunches have to be delivered to each room is daunting to someone who isn’t aware of the workplace layout/staffroom locations. It got so bad today when i was asked to deliver the lunches on my own that i actually had an anxiety attack. I felt so ashamed. I felt inadequate. I wished the world would just open up and make me disappear. But it didn’t. What did happen? I let it get to me and let it upset me. I tried not to, but i cried. I couldn’t keep the tears away. This made me feel even worse.
Thankfully my boss is understanding and pulled me aside for a quiet chat. I told her of my worries and she said i should not have been told to take the lunches on my own this early in, how i should have had at least a week or two experience, shadowing another staff member and getting used to what i should deliver and where.

On top of that, it didn’t help that i had so much more going on in my mind.
Stress, money issues, random negative thoughts… It all snowballed and made things seem so much worse than what they were.

I have also been sick for the past month or so. It turns out i have tonsillitis. Thankfully i was recently able to see my regular doctor who gave me stronger medicine and did some tests which i am hoping will let us know what exactly is wrong with me and if it is something bad, or if my body is just run down and weak at the moment and not able to fight off simple viruses and infections.

I just feel like going for a day trip… getting back to nature. My body and soul is craving that. Going somewhere to just watch the water, watch the wind blow the leaves about in a forest, to water water ripple and ants marching in a line.
I just need time to recharge again.

I feel that my batteries are depleted. They are completely flat and no matter what i do, it just isn’t enough to give it my all each day. I am not running at the best of my ability. I am struggling.

There you go, i said it. I’m struggling. I am finding it hard to cope. Hard to cope with work. Hard to cope with life. Hard to cope with the thoughts racing through my mind- most of those thoughts which are by no means helpful to me or those who i influence.

If you are reading this and realise you or someone you know is in a similar position. Please, please stop and take some time for yourself. Take time to regenerate your soul. If you are unable to to work to the best of your ability, to be the best you know you can be, it WILL come through in your work, in your art, it will show through in your actions, your words and those who know you, will wonder what is wrong.
Do not be too proud to admit you need time out, to admit you need time to recharge.

You are worth it.

More lows than highs

It has been two months since i last wrote.

So much yet so little has happened.

My mind is constantly in overdrive with a million thoughts an hour racing through my mind.
I wish i could get them into this blog, but i have been feeling so shit lately that i can’t be bothered writing as i feel that no one would be interested reading about my thoughts…
I feel that i am not worth it anymore.

It is my fault i feel this way.
Sometimes i make unnecessary comments. I made a comment on a friend’s status recently…at the moment i wrote it, i thought it was funny, a bit tongue in cheek… but today i noticed one of her friends had commented on my comment pointing out grammar mistakes that i had not picked up on.

Having so many thoughts about the harsh words and negative comments my mum used to say to me on a daily basis, this was pretty much the straw that broke the camel’s back.
I wanted to reply to try and stand up for myself, but i realised the other person (who i did not even know) was most likely right and all those things my Mum used to say to me MUST HAVE BEEN RIGHT.

I doubt the person who made that comment will ever know they drove me to have bad thoughts again today… thoughts that i have not had for a number of weeks. But that trigger… it’ll be at the front of my mind for quite some time now as i was raised to concentrate on the bad things i do… not always the good.

I have been trying hard to get myself in a better headspace since Nan passed away, but there always seems to be a trigger which sends me backwards ten-fold.

I truly hope there are NO other humans or animals in this galaxy who get the same thoughts i do as it can be genuinely crippling to what could have been an otherwise positive day.
I am guessing though that in reality, there ARE people travelling a similar road to me, but we each have our own issues and demons we are trying to fight off on a daily basis.

I just want you all to know that you are not alone.
I wish i could take your pain away- you don’t deserve to be unhappy.
I am willing to be unhappy for you all.