Twists and Turns

This evening i received a phone call from my Mum.

She was quite flustered, she asked me where her paperwork for her pre-paid funeral was.
I honestly do not have a clue as she went to do that with her Mum and brother some time last year.
All i could suggest was that she look in my late grandparent’s bedroom in the chest of drawers or cupboard as that is where i was told most of the important paperwork was kept. The only other things i can think of would be that she put it in a safe place in her bedroom or that her brother picked up her paperwork when he gathered his Mum’s paperwork to organise the funeral last year.

There was also a bit of general small talk between us, but on a number of occasions she kept saying how she has changed so much over the past 9 months and that i don’t know the real her and probably will never know the real her now.
Somehow, we ended up speaking for about 20minutes. If i had’ve known the phone call would have left me feeling so deflated and my anxiety levels rising at an ever increasing rate, i would have said i was unable to help and made the call as brief as possible, but i guess there was that little girl inside of me who was hoping to have a nice civil chat with her Mum which is why i stayed on the phone, mostly listening to everything she had to say to me (and in many cases, about me).

I am trying to get over the threats and other negative comments and gossip that her side of the family have been spreading about me over the past 10 months or so. I am trying to get on with my life, but it feels like when i am just about on top of everything and moving forwards with my life, something happens and she appears again and relays information or gossip that i really didn’t need to hear.
It is such a kick in the guts. It makes me feel so bad about myself again.

Just when things start looking bright for me, someone looms over like a dark threatening stormcloud; looking to ruin what would have been an otherwise beautiful day.

I just want to get on with my life. A couple of cruel individuals thought it would be a great joke to spread lies about me, to threaten me and my family, to make me feel unsafe when out in public and to turn all those who i had loved and called my family for all my life against me.
I can’t fathom why they would continue to do such a thing. They have taken so much from me, yet it feels like they seem to think it still isn’t enough.

When will the torment stop?
I can only hope i will continue to fight off the voices in my head and wake up every morning and try my hardest to find someone or something to live for.

No Control

Shaking.
Uncontrollable urges that don’t allow me to stand still.
I shake when i don’t want to.
Because of people who can’t control their anger.

I cry.
Tears of fear roll down my cheeks.
Those who made me cry show no remorse.
Heartless creatures with no soul whatsoever.

Anxiety grows.
I can’t function as i used to.
I constantly watch over my shoulder.
I fear the animal who has no intention of stopping the torment.

Depression sets in.
The threats, the anger, the heartlessness.
It’s all too much to handle, my body can’t take it.
My mind starts to thin violent thoughts of self-harm.

Death seems safer.
It seems like a better option than living.
It makes me feel like it’s the option to take the pain away.
There seems to be no other way t make things better.

I plead.
I plead for help.
I scream out for help but i have no voice.
No one can see my pain or hear me reaching out for the help i need.

It’s gone full circle.
My body trembles and shakes.
I am back to where i started, I’m shaking.
Those uncontrollable urges are back and i can’t stand still…

Overthinking

I was just briefly chatting to a friend on a social media site and she mentioned how crazy it is that we often bump into each other online at some crazy hour of the night/morning… like now.

I do agree with her. Why do we often find it so hard to relax our minds and bodies of an evening, why is it so hard to get ready for a restful night’s sleep? Why does it seem hard to allow our bodies the time it needs to recharge and get ready for the following day?

I jokingly said to her i believe that i am most creative at this hour, she thought a similar thing adding that we must also stay awake due to the snoring coming from the rest of the household sleeping.

And yes, I am typing this while i sit on the bed, my husband laying down next to me, snoring- quite loudly at times… and also passing wind much louder and more projected than what he seems capable of when he is awake.

That’s not the only reason why i am awake though, i feel the biggest cause of my insomnia is due to so many things going through my mind. Some of the things i can pinpoint but most of them i can’t. I am sure it’s something in my subconscious mind that i must try to block out most of the time, but once i relax enough and start to feel creative… that’s when those locked away thoughts come flooding back to the forefront of my mind and interrupt my train of thought, stall my ability to get tired enough to fall asleep or influence my mind so much that i trigger myself and end up having an anxiety attack.
It really is not a good feeling, not being able to  control my own thoughts. It often makes me feel child-like again, child-like in a bad way. It makes me feel useless and unwanted plus that main thing i have noticed is that these bad thoughts seem to be magnetic- they attract other people to take out their frustrations on me. Other people seem to put me down or blame me for things i have no control over when i am feeling bad about myself.

I need to learn how to live in the moment more. I need to learn to stop over thinking.

But how does one NOT overthink?

Change can be scary

The past couple of weeks have been crazy and somewhat scary.

Things haven’t changed too much in what i have been used to doing, but the reasons i am doing what i am have changed.

2 weeks ago i began a paid Casual job. This is the first paid job i have had since 2002.
It isn’t too different to what i have been doing as a volunteer for the past two years, there are a few extra tasks involved, but nothing too scary.
Now i get to handle money more, take EFTPOS payments, be more involved in allergy alert and Gluten Free food orders.

I guess the scary thing is more those tasks which have to be learnt and remembered and then be able to be done automatically without much thought going into them. Things such as delivering staff lunches to the correct staff rooms.
There are close to 10 staff rooms and knowing which lunches have to be delivered to each room is daunting to someone who isn’t aware of the workplace layout/staffroom locations. It got so bad today when i was asked to deliver the lunches on my own that i actually had an anxiety attack. I felt so ashamed. I felt inadequate. I wished the world would just open up and make me disappear. But it didn’t. What did happen? I let it get to me and let it upset me. I tried not to, but i cried. I couldn’t keep the tears away. This made me feel even worse.
Thankfully my boss is understanding and pulled me aside for a quiet chat. I told her of my worries and she said i should not have been told to take the lunches on my own this early in, how i should have had at least a week or two experience, shadowing another staff member and getting used to what i should deliver and where.

On top of that, it didn’t help that i had so much more going on in my mind.
Stress, money issues, random negative thoughts… It all snowballed and made things seem so much worse than what they were.

I have also been sick for the past month or so. It turns out i have tonsillitis. Thankfully i was recently able to see my regular doctor who gave me stronger medicine and did some tests which i am hoping will let us know what exactly is wrong with me and if it is something bad, or if my body is just run down and weak at the moment and not able to fight off simple viruses and infections.

I just feel like going for a day trip… getting back to nature. My body and soul is craving that. Going somewhere to just watch the water, watch the wind blow the leaves about in a forest, to water water ripple and ants marching in a line.
I just need time to recharge again.

I feel that my batteries are depleted. They are completely flat and no matter what i do, it just isn’t enough to give it my all each day. I am not running at the best of my ability. I am struggling.

There you go, i said it. I’m struggling. I am finding it hard to cope. Hard to cope with work. Hard to cope with life. Hard to cope with the thoughts racing through my mind- most of those thoughts which are by no means helpful to me or those who i influence.

If you are reading this and realise you or someone you know is in a similar position. Please, please stop and take some time for yourself. Take time to regenerate your soul. If you are unable to to work to the best of your ability, to be the best you know you can be, it WILL come through in your work, in your art, it will show through in your actions, your words and those who know you, will wonder what is wrong.
Do not be too proud to admit you need time out, to admit you need time to recharge.

You are worth it.

More lows than highs

It has been two months since i last wrote.

So much yet so little has happened.

My mind is constantly in overdrive with a million thoughts an hour racing through my mind.
I wish i could get them into this blog, but i have been feeling so shit lately that i can’t be bothered writing as i feel that no one would be interested reading about my thoughts…
I feel that i am not worth it anymore.

It is my fault i feel this way.
Sometimes i make unnecessary comments. I made a comment on a friend’s status recently…at the moment i wrote it, i thought it was funny, a bit tongue in cheek… but today i noticed one of her friends had commented on my comment pointing out grammar mistakes that i had not picked up on.

Having so many thoughts about the harsh words and negative comments my mum used to say to me on a daily basis, this was pretty much the straw that broke the camel’s back.
I wanted to reply to try and stand up for myself, but i realised the other person (who i did not even know) was most likely right and all those things my Mum used to say to me MUST HAVE BEEN RIGHT.

I doubt the person who made that comment will ever know they drove me to have bad thoughts again today… thoughts that i have not had for a number of weeks. But that trigger… it’ll be at the front of my mind for quite some time now as i was raised to concentrate on the bad things i do… not always the good.

I have been trying hard to get myself in a better headspace since Nan passed away, but there always seems to be a trigger which sends me backwards ten-fold.

I truly hope there are NO other humans or animals in this galaxy who get the same thoughts i do as it can be genuinely crippling to what could have been an otherwise positive day.
I am guessing though that in reality, there ARE people travelling a similar road to me, but we each have our own issues and demons we are trying to fight off on a daily basis.

I just want you all to know that you are not alone.
I wish i could take your pain away- you don’t deserve to be unhappy.
I am willing to be unhappy for you all.

InCoMpLeTe

I feel i don’t know who i am any more.

i just spent about half an hour reading through some of my earlier posts. I cried, i was amazed at how strong i was, i shuddered at the way i was treated by others.

Now i am trying to find the real me again…

But i don’t know where to look. I don’t know where to start.

It honestly scares me.

I thought i would have been a good role model for my children, but now i an unsure if i am even fit to be a parent.
I feel too unstable at times.

I wish there was an easy answer.

I have tried getting back to nature.
I went to the zoo. That wasn’t the best idea as i ended up spending far too much time watching the chimpanzees. I feel that at one stage, i was starting to share their feelings. I was overcome with sadness, with neglect and loneliness. It wasn’t a good feeling at all. I wanted to leave, but something made me stay longer, hoping i’d find a glimpse of happiness in one of their eyes.
I walked around Botanic Gardens which would normally be very relaxing and calming for me, but again, i didn’t feel calm or relaxed when i was there either.

How does one find them-self again when they feel broken beyond repair?

When you just can’t find the words…

I think the reality of Nan’s passing is starting to really sink in now.

I still reach out for a paper or some groceries to buy for her when i am out, then i have to stop and remind myself that it is no longer needed as she is no longer here.

I still think about picking up my phone to ring her and tell her about something that made me happy or proud but then realise she can’t be reached that way.

I am still quite numb, still very sad, although i don’t know if sad is the right word… I am relieved that she is now out of pain, but i guess it is still raw at times. There are so many “If only” situations. It is too late now. I can’t get her back.
I want to blame those relatives who have turned my entire family against me.
Almost 8 weeks have past and i now feel more lonely than what i have in years… I can’t ever remember feeling this lonely, this empty, this vulnerable.

My Mum does not contact me and if i ring her, she barely says a word then makes an excuse that she can’t talk and has to go and do something.

The family members who said they would keep in contact haven’t contacted me in weeks, over a month for most of them.
It hurts to not feel wanted by your own blood family.

I feel that life is really testing me at the moment. I don’t know what for, but i hope that if i make it through these tests, that there is something good for my family and i at the other end of this. I don’t know how much longer i can continue on like this though, some days i really wish i could just disappear, just vanish into thin air, to just cease existing.

I know it is selfish of me though to think like that. I am told i should think towards the future more, stop moping around and such.

I personally don’t feel i am moping around, but i do feel that i am numb a lot of the time. It’s not sadness as such, i don’t sleep all day or cry uncontrollably, i just find it hard to think straight and function properly at times.

I plan so much in my head. Little things i could do to make myself happier, things i can do to feel better, even if it’s just for an hour or so. Things i would love to do.
But those things seldom become reality. They only seem to stay as thoughts and dreams inside my head.

I just wish there was a word to describe how i am feeling as it is sort of a mash of what i have just said, yet it isn’t any of those things… It is so hard to try and accurately explain.
If i can’t describe or explain it to myself, what hope do i have of telling someone else?

Roller Coasters and Tumble turns.

Oh boy oh boy oh boy what a past few days and weeks it has been.

I have been doing a lot of research on my biological father and have been in contact with a man who i believe to be my biological father’s brother. All the information i have fits exactly with this man i have been talking to and the information he has been sharing with me.
I am still being very careful though but i just have a gut feeling that i am on the right track. It will be interesting to see where things lead and if my Dad does want to eventually want to talk to or meet me in the future.
It’s still early days yet though, so i’m not going to count my chickens before they hatch.

 

On the flip side… i was talking to another family member yesterday and they told me my Mum mentioned that she and another sibling had been molested in their youth.
This was a HUGE shock to me. Mum wouldn’t say WHO it was that hurt her, but did say the same person hurt both her and her sibling.
I can’t believe that this would’ve happened to my Mum… why would someone feel the need to take advantage of someone like her?
I wish i knew who it was.
I have so many thoughts running through my mind, going through all the people who have been a part of my family’s lives for a long time, wondering if it was any of those people but i just don’t know.

I wish Mum trusted me enough to tell me about this herself. I would help her take things further so she could have some closure from the abuse she had to put up with.
She has every right to go to the police and report the abuse but i think she has been told to “forget about it and just get on with her life”.

That is so very wrong to say that and knowing she was told that makes me even more angrier and determined for her to be able to report the crime and bring the criminal to pay for what he did.

 

One thing which does quite concern me is ME.
I know i was conceived “by accident”… since finding out this latest piece of information, i can’t help but wonder if i was the result of her being molested or if the man i have been told is my Dad, is still actually my Dad?
Surely i wouldn’t be told a man was my Dad if he wasn’t by people who had no need to say such a lie?

The unwanted one.

For most of my life i have felt like i have been unwanted.

My Mum would constantly remind me that i was not wanted, that i was a mistake and should have never happened.
Throughout my childhood i was often bullied for who i was and i was shunted around many “groups of friends” at school.
I often ended up sitting in corridors alone during recess and lunch or spending all my time in the school library. I felt safer on my own than i did around so called friends.
(Sometimes i still feel that is the case now.)

Yesterday i spoke to my Mum on the phone and she was telling me how she is having to rely on her siblings or nephews to help her do a few things around the house.
I reminded her that she DOES have a Daughter, Son-in-law and grandchildren who can help her.
Her response? “I know but…”
Three little words. They don’t really mean much as those 3 little individual words, but when said how she did, it was very degrading. Like she is still pushing me out of her life. I told her that if she doesn’t want to see us or if she doesn’t want anymore contact, to just say so. The rest of the family have kicked me out of their lives but at least i know where i stand with them. It is sad that they believes lies that were spread about me, but everyone has a right to have their own opinions and believe whatever they wish.
I just want to know where i stand with my Mum.

Last night my husband went to bed upset with me.
He noticed that my ex-boyfriend who also happens to be a family friend had sent me an email (simply asking how i had been coping since my Nan passed away) and he wasn’t happy about that.
Maybe i am completely stupid, naive, call it what you will, but if my hubby wanted to occasionally talk to one of his exes, i wouldn’t have a problem with it. I trust that at the end of the day, it is ME that he wants to spend his life with and be with. I don’t have feelings for anyone other than my husband. He is the only person i can ever imagine being intimate with now.
I don’t see any problem with having friends of any orientation or gender- they are simply people who i get along with.
Friends are just that. Friends. People who you have a common interest with. People who you can comfortable talk to and mingle with.

I just hate feeling unwanted all the time.

I want to feel wanted.

I don’t want the worst of my childhood continuing to haunt me throughout my adult life.
I try my hardest to move forwards and find positive things… but it seems that once the positive things start to happen, then something horrible happens again and i am back to square one. Often i am back feeling lower and worse than i did the previous time i felt like absolute shit.

I just want all this negativity to end. Well, the worst of it anyway. I know you can’t have good without bad, but surely the bad parts don’t have to be so much stronger and affect me so much more than what any positive moments do.

It is like i am taking 3 steps forward but 7 steps back…

I was just about on top of my depression and anxiety, now it is like it is no longer creeping back, but about to completely ambush me all at once. But i just don’t know when it will happen.

That is what makes me scared… not knowing when it is going to hit.

Today I’m sad.

Today i am sad.

I think i was meant to grieve today. I have cried a little, i have felt numb a lot.
I am very unmotivated today. I know there is so much that i could be doing, but i just don’t feel like doing anything at all.

I have had lot of butterflies flutter around me today when i was outside for a short while. I felt that it was Nan visiting me.
I had to go out this morning and as i was driving home, a line from a song on the radio was “…send me a message from above….” and at that instant, a butterfly appeared from nowhere and flew over the top of my car.
If that wasn’t a sign that she’s watching over me, i don’t know what is. I have had other butterfly encounters this week. I believe it is Nan letting me know that she is happy.

I miss Nan so very much- more than i can currently express. I keep thinking of things i want to say to her, then i remember she is no longer alive and it is like a little part of me dies a little bit more.

There are times when i wish i could rewind time itself just so i can have a little bit more time with her.
I never got to say goodbye properly and that is what upsets me the most.