She is free.

I received the phone call from the hospital in the early hours of the morning. Nan had passed away.

She is now free. Free from pain. Free from being force fed. Free from having to live because some people were not willing to accept the fact she was ready to go.

I was told she was unconscious for about the last 12 hours. This is comforting for me to know as i believe it made the transition into her next life a calmer one for her.

I have always been one who likes to know information, who likes details.
I would love to know the exact time she passed. I would love to know what her final day was like. I would love to find out what her final medical results were. I would love to know exactly where the cancer had spread.
I doubt i will ever get this exact information. It is something i will have to live with for the rest of my life.

But one thing is for sure.

I know i was ALWAYS honest with everyone.

I know i ALWAYS gave Nan my full attention and care when i was looking after her; not just in these most recent weeks & months but for all my life.
I have helped her with lots of things since i was a little girl and i can live my life knowing i always did the most i could for Nan and i know she appreciated everything i did for her.

 

I love you so much Nan.
May you now fly free.

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Free the love within

Do not hold love within your heart for fear of your heart being broken.

Free the love within.

Do not hold back from telling someone how much they mean to you for fear of the unknown.

Free the love within.

Do not stop loving someone because of ignorance or a lack of understanding.

Free the love within.

Don’t ever stop loving for fear of running out of love as love is never-ending.

Free the love within.

Do reach out to those with a tear running down their cheek, they need love at this moment.

Free the love within.

Do accept love from others with open arms and give love to others just as freely.

Free the love within.

Do be accepting of everyone; we all have pain, joy and sorrow, we all deserve to love and be loved.

Free the love within.

Just as the butterfly flutters away from the sweetly scented flower, you too must learn to…

Free the love within.

A blank canvas

I have not yet been to bed (obviously- I wouldn’t be writing this if I was fast asleep) but later this morning, and for most of today I will have the house to myself.

I really do not know if I should be excited about it or not.

It’s great not having to hear the children arguing or complaining, but it is also a time when thoughts flood into my head more than ever.
Thoughts of “what if” situations, times when I question myself for things that happen that are out of my control, thoughts of me questioning my own questions.

My mind goes into overdrive, it’s something I cannot help. It’s just how I am.

Sometimes I envy people who can just watch TV or play cards all day. I can’t do that.

There are TV shows I enjoy watching, but I also have to be doing something else at the same time. Lately it has been writing letters to my pen pals, doing word or number puzzles or even doing tapestry (a type of needlework).

I sit here now writing this entry in my blog, but I am also checking in to my Facebook account. I would also usually have the TV on, for background noise of nothing else, but tonight it is turned off.
The silence is deafening. Having no white noise/background noise means my tinnitus seems to sounds louder than what it actually is. The high-pitched whistle and ringing is constant, it makes me want to pull my hair out and hit my head repeatedly against a brick wall.

It reminds me of my childhood when I did actually used to hit my head against a wall- thinking about it, I am pretty sure I only did it when I could hear “those noises” (as I used to call the Tinnitus before finding out what it was called) and I am sure my parents thought I was either being crazy or just a typical only child trying to gain someone’s attention- they most likely thought it to be the latter.

I doubt there will be much in the way of captivating shows on TV during the day, but I’m sure i’ll find something to listen to- the news updates, home shopping presentations (I’ve almost convinced myself that I NEED another gadget in the kitchen cupboards, a steam mop, home gym system, some new gold plated jewellery, and a 2 horse powered nutrient extractor!), fishing shows, rural current affair programs, music shows, movies, kids shows- it’s all on tomorrow sometime throughout the day.

I have a vague idea of what I’d LIKE to get done, but I’m not going to plan on doing it all- I might just see how things eventuate. If I get stuff done, then that’s great. If I don’t, I’ll learn not to stress over it and just think of the day as one where I got to chill out and relax.

It can be a day of recovery for both the mind and body.

No schedules, no deadlines, no rules.

Just relaxation.

DP Challenge: Object. My camera.

Without a doubt, my object of choice for this challenge: http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2014/02/24/writing-challenge-object/ , would have to be my camera.

As a hobby photographer, I have a couple of cameras but my Olympus SP570UZ would have to be my favourite.
It’s getting old now (in terms of technology), but we have been on many great outings together.

It has been with me to quite a number of gigs, shot countless macro images of flowers, bugs, interesting textures plus the usual family photos, photos of school assemblies and award days.

My camera is like my saviour. I feel that when I am behind it, I can do anything; like I am capable of doing whatever my heart desires and I don’t have to worry about being judged.

My camera gives me a freedom that I otherwise would feel is unachievable.
My camera lets my inner artist come out and show her face, the artist from within that brought me many moments of joy throughout my childhood but disappeared once I finished school and I felt I was then expected to “grow up”, to get a job, get on with life like everyone else and hide my imaginative side.

I was lead to believe that “artist” was not a viable job description. It wouldn’t be something that I could survive on, it wasn’t something worth pursuing.

My camera has given me many opportunities that I would have otherwise been too afraid of, too wary of, not had the guts to say “let’s do this!” and experience something that I may never experience again.

My camera has given me a sense of belonging and helped me feel like I fit in to places and experiences that I would normally steer clear of.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

Boundaries

Boundaries. What exactly are they?

The dictionary states: boundary (n)
bound·a·ry
[ bówndəree ]
1.border: the official line that divides one area of land from another.
2.limit: the point at which something ends or beyond which it becomes something else.
Synonyms: border, frontier, borderline, state line, edge, limit, margin, periphery

But what about every day life? Our parents give us boundaries, we try to push boundaries, we give our children boundaries, we live within a boundary of some description.

Boundaries can be something to restrict us from doing what we want to, boundaries can be the end to complete freedom, many people often wish that they didn’t have boundaries.

BUT

Imagine that there were no boundaries, not a single one.

I am sure that would change a lot, in a positive or negative way, I am not completely sure, I can only assume there would be both set backs and benefits from a lack of boundaries.
In the same breath though, boundaries help us stay safe, they give us a sense of protection, a sense of knowing our limits and how far we can go or what we can do before things get too vague or dangerous.