existing… not living.

I feel that i am only existing, not living, not enjoying life, not loving being alive.

Knowing that i feel this numb is killing me from the inside, i try to keep a mask so no one can see the pain i hold from within.

I want to enjoy life, i want to enjoy living, i want to enjoy the little things bt i just feel that whenever i even think about enjoying something- it feels wrong. like i shouldn’t be allowed to do so. But i don’t know why.

I allow people into my life who hurt me, i allow people in my life who make me feel worthless.
I push people who make me feel wanted and loved out of my life for fear of hurting them. In doing this, i also deny myself love.

It is a vicious circle that i can’t seem to drag myself away from.

I need to learn how to live again.

River stones

Smooth and rounded, most things just slide by. Nothing really sticks around. Nothing physical anyway.

I am among many others all like me, some bigger or smaller, but we’re all ultimately the same. So many around me yet i am so alone.

Yet i am the one who feels what others don’t.
I am the one who feels the pain, who feels the iciness of life washing over everything on a daily basis. It is incredibly painful yet it is invisible so those who i want to understand, can’t.. or won’t.

It makes me want to wish this was the end. That the current would just pick me up like a piece of driftwood and carry me over the edge, into the turbulent waters below.
Surely it can’t be any worse than what i am currently having constantly wash over me.

Daily Prompt: Wanna be friends?

I think finding new friends can be easier said than done depending on where you are.

I find those living in rural areas to be easier to get chatting to and possibly even become friends with.
I find the older generations far easier to chat to than what I do starting a conversation with people my own age.

I find that living in a busy crowded suburb of a major city, most people seem to be too busy with getting from A to B that they forget it is important to keep in touch with others, that it is OK to flash someone a nice friendly smile and say hello as you pass them in the street.

Unfortunately, there is also a class of people who believe they are too good for everyone else, they believe they are much more important than the rest of the community and have no interest in anyone or anything but themselves.
It is people like this who usually end up being old sad people with no friends at all.

I love having a chat to people. Everyone has a story, some more interesting than others but it’s still their own life story and it is important to them.
If you ever see me in the street, smile. It doesn’t cost anything and will brighten my day. 🙂