Who am I? Who is she?

Well, since my last post a few months ago now, so much yet so little has happened and changed.

My mum had an operation to remove the cancer which meant she lost almost half of one breast, they also removed almost 50 lymph nodes of which about 30% of those were cancerous as well.

Her toxic, abusive brother was taking her to appointments and such but he soon wiped his hands of her when he realised just how much time and devotion you have to put in to and for someone when you tell them that you will do everything for them. He never had it in him. Once he realised there was no gain for him, he stopped helping her.

It had been suggested mum may need further treatment but she was completely against it at first. I managed to talk to mum and we spoke about the types of treatment she may get, we spoke about possible side effects and what life she would have if she did and didn’t have treatment. She ended up deciding to have treatment after all.

Chemo started in February. She has 4 treatments of the Red Devil before moving to a different one. Mum has lost almost all her hair now. She is against wearing beanies, hats or wigs but did accept my offer of some beanies that I personally knitted up for her. I hope she eventually does decide to wear them. They’ll keep her a bit warmer over the winter months, if nothing else.

Her rude brother has already told her off for letting her hair fall out, telling her that she looks disgraceful and should be ashamed of herself. I honestly don’t know what his problem is. Surely his sister isn’t the first chemo patient he’s ever seen? It’s not like mum has decided for her hair to fall out and what she does still have left, turn to white… It’s one of those things that happens. We have to be understanding and supportive, not go out of one’s way to put a sick person down and make them feel worse about themselves.

Now on top of her cancer treatment, she has this bloody world pandemic to deal with too. It’s like this year so far has been everything or nothing.

A smack in the face.

I know i have been absent for quite a while. I feel really bad about it. I have thought about so many things to write and blog about, but when it comes to the point of actually doing it, i just can’t.
My brain won’t work, my fingers won’t type out the words i want to say.

A couple of weeks ago i got an out of the blue phone call from my Mum. We might talk on the phone once every few months and only really catch up in person 2 or 3 times a year, and the visits barely last more than an hour. This call was a real smack in the face for me.

Anyway, she rang me to tell me that she was just diagnosed with “BC”.
She hates saying the word “cancer” let alone “Breast Cancer” which took her Mum, my Nan, just a few years ago.
She has told me that she does NOT want me to come to any of her appointments and to just let her siblings (the 2 that threatened to hurt my family and I) do everything for her. I think that comment hurt more than hearing that she actually has cancer.

I rang her a couple of days ago to see how she is doing and what tests, etc she has done recently.
She’s had multiple blood tests, biopsies, scans and who knows what else done.
I have told her to stay strong. To listen to the Drs, to get them to explain things over and over again until SHE understands them, not just tell her siblings what is going to happen and leave my mum in the dark about what will happen to her body.
I have explained to her that by what she has told me, it sounds like she may need an operation to remove the damaged/cancer tissues within her breast. She may then need further treatment to make sure that all the bad cancer cells have been killed off or removed.
I just hope she is stubborn enough with her siblings (like she is with me), to be able to have final say in everything that is happening with her on this journey she is about to take.

Yes, my Mum can be a bit of a hard case and she can get annoying. Yes, she may have hurt me during my childhood, but i am grown up enough to be able to put those things aside to help her when she needs it most as at the end of the day, I want HER to have final say in what happens with HER own life. Unfortunately her siblings have previously tried to get her put into a home or institution of some description. She would not do very well at all in a place like that. She is capable of looking after herself, she can and does control her own finances. She does not need a carer.
My biggest worry is that her siblings will make her sign something which will only benefit them and their wallets. I am scared for her. I am scared for what they have planned to do behind her back.

I just wish she could see through their masks, their lies and them being 2-faced to her and realise that i just want what is best for her. That i want her to have a say in everything that will happen in the coming weeks, month and years.

Unfit for work.

Those three little words can at times make even the strongest person feel worthless.

My lower back and nerve pain has now forced me to take 3 weeks off work.

I am thankful that I can walk around, the pain is still there but its bareable. I still have trouble bathing myself and dressing myself at times so I’m still heavily relying on my husband to help me.

I feel worthless as my brain tells me I have to do everything on my to do list, but my body won’t allow me to do much at all. It is really frustrating as in many people’s opinions : “you don’t look sick.” That has to be one of the most challenging things to hear without letting it get to me. It is hard to ignore.

I feel bad enough as it is, but when that comment is directed at me, I feel so much worse.

My lack of income is hurting me financially too. It sucks.

I hate my kids seeing me like this. I should be a role model for them, I shouldn’t need them to help care for me at their young ages.

Empty and Alone.

I have not felt this empty or alone for a very long time.
My husband has gone away for a week just when i am at a very low point emotionally. He went away just as i really wanted him to be around. I needed him here.

My physical pain is at a high level at the moment, it has been for weeks (well, i have been in constant pain for many years, but it has flared up in recent weeks) but i just never said anything as i didn’t want to worry anyone.
Now i have dug myself into a hole. If i mention my pain now, it’s like i am too weak and unable to care for my children on my own (even though the in-laws are here in the house as well).

I already feel like a failure as i most likely won’t see my two youngest children at all tomorrow. I leave for work before they wake up and i won’t get back until after they should be in bed tomorrow as i have to take my eldest to training. If they do go to bed when they’re told, i won’t actually see them until the following afternoon. 😦 That has literally just hit home.
My hubby has gone away and now i may not see my children for almost 40 hours! I really AM a bad mum.

Now i really do feel alone… more than i did 20 minutes ago when i thought it was bad then.

Maybe i should try and get some sleep… i have been awake for close to 19 hours now. I have to be up in a bit over 6 hours and i haven’t had much sleep the past day or two.

Backflip

Less than 24 hours ago, i was in a room surrounded by women my age as well as a generation younger.
We were having a discussion which would have us learn about each other, about the other generation as well as learning about ourselves. It was extremely interesting.

If you’ve been following me for a while- you probably would’ve come to know that i have issues believing in myself, my mental health hasn’t been the best most of the time…..

Last night i had a new lease of life. I believed a small part of me could be successful like other women in the group from within my age group, i had a feeling that i WAS capable of almost anything i set my mind to.

This afternoon however, i came crashing back down to Earth. My 15yr old had to get her hair cut. The last time she had it cut would have been almost 3 years ago i guess. She got the grumps at the hairdressers so i told her we could just go home and not worry about getting it cut but she said it had to be cut as we were there anyway.
So, she had the slightest trim off the bottom to just level it off. It was something i could have easily done at home. I wasn’t angry that she made me feel like a worthless piece of shit at the Hair Salon, i was disappointed that she didn’t see anything wrong with putting me down in such a way in public. I shouldn’t have been surprised though as she has done it many times before and i am sure she will probably do it again in the future- it’s just who she is i guess.

When we got home, she started complaining about me making her get her hair cut. I was back at home so just went into the bedroom and started crying. I felt so bad, so worthless. I felt i was such a failure. Hours later, i still feel just as bad about myself. So much so, that i feel i should be punished in some way. I don’t know how but i feel like i should be treated like shit as i am not worthy of anything better.

I hate feeling like this but for so many years it has been my normal. Once in a blue moon (like last night), I am shown a glimmer of hope, a flicker of how my life could be if i wasn’t always so down and miserable.

I wish i could just snap out of it and cheer up. But i can’t.

This is what depression and anxiety looks like.

existing… not living.

I feel that i am only existing, not living, not enjoying life, not loving being alive.

Knowing that i feel this numb is killing me from the inside, i try to keep a mask so no one can see the pain i hold from within.

I want to enjoy life, i want to enjoy living, i want to enjoy the little things bt i just feel that whenever i even think about enjoying something- it feels wrong. like i shouldn’t be allowed to do so. But i don’t know why.

I allow people into my life who hurt me, i allow people in my life who make me feel worthless.
I push people who make me feel wanted and loved out of my life for fear of hurting them. In doing this, i also deny myself love.

It is a vicious circle that i can’t seem to drag myself away from.

I need to learn how to live again.

The invisible noose

For days, weeks and months
The noose has been getting tighter.
Tighter and tighter around my throat
Space to breathe or swallow feels almost non-existent.

Eating causes much discomfort
Food is like a coarse file,
Grating away the at insides of my throat
Food sticks in my throat like a hook in a fish’s mouth.

I’m not trying to be difficult
I just can’t find food that doesn’t hurt.
I am not being a snob to your cooking
I am sometimes scared to eat because of the swallowing.

I am scared as i don’t know what’s happening
An invisible noose tightens around my throat.
No amount of begging or praying loosens it
I have no control, none whatsoever.

 

Forgetfulness can be lifesaving

Sometimes i hate myself for how forgetful i can be. I will walk into another room or drive to the shops only to wonder why i am there and what i was supposed to be doing or getting.

This week, i had my surgery and i think being forgetful has actually saved my life.
In the lead up to my surgery i was very down and depressed and feeling that the world would be so much better off without me. I had it in my mind that i would tell the hospital staff that i wished to be a “DO NOT RESUSCITATE” (DNR) patient. If my time was meant to be up, that’d be it. I thought that was what would have been best for me.

Thankfully i forgot about the DNR, i forgot to speak to the staff about it and they never mentioned it to me.

Apparently i stopped breathing while i was in the Recovery Room after my operation. I am not sure how long I’d stopped breathing (I’m yet to get the results of the operation, etc), but the nurse looking after me said i had given her a scare. That has never happened to me with any other operation i have had. I don’t know why i stopped breathing but i am thankful they helped me start breathing again.

Today, a few days after the operation, my emotions are all over the place. One minute i am glad to be here, the next i feel like such a huge hindrance as i feel i should be up and doing stuff but i am physically unable to do everything i want to do due to needing to heal from the operation first.

I am an a mix of Panadol and Endone for the pain. I want to stop the Endone as soon as possible as i don’t like the side effects… the Panadol doesn’t really help me either so i may just stop taking that too.

I am hoping to be more mobile as the days go on.

I get the results of the operation and find out if the cyst i had removed was in fact cancerous. Depending on those results, I’ll know what i have to do in the future.

Whatever happens, i am sure it has happened to me because i am strong or capable enough to handle the situation…

Such a Hindrance

I have felt like such a hindrance for quite some time now.

I have surgery tomorrow, but can’t help but feel i am such a huge hindrance to society. I will be getting an ovarian cyst removed which should be straight-forward surgery but i can’t help but think that internally, the surgeons will find something worse. Cancer? I don’t know.
But i have this gut feeling that all the pain i have been in for the past several months isn’t a good sign. I think it’s more than just the “simple cyst”.

I mean, i have been in pain for years and years… decades even. The locations of the pain vary from day to day, week to week. To me it is “normal”. I do not know life without pain. I do not know what true silence is; i have Tinnitus so late at night is when the sounds within my head are at their loudest. To me, trying to get to sleep when all is “quiet”, to me is actually deafening and next to impossible at times. I am kept awake for hours after everyone is already fast asleep due to the noises within.

My hearing is worsening too which is scaring me. There has been a gradual worsening of my hearing impairment over the past 5 years, but it seems to have got a lot worse over the past few months. It almost happened suddenly. I now have to lip read a lot or get people to speak up so i can hear them.

Surely the world would be better off without me? I mean, i can’t hear people talking as well as the majority of the population, i am constantly in pain, my health isn’t the best.
If i was an animal, a human in charge of me would be legally allowed to have me euthanized but because i am a human, it is illegal to do just that.

I just want to have a meaning, i want to mean something to people- especially those who supposedly love me.
I want to feel needed by someone…

I want to feel loved…

I don’t want to be a hindrance anymore.