The Mirror

Sometimes we need a mirror to really see what we have transformed into, to see how far we have come over a matter of days, weeks, months or even years.

Yesterday a cashier i often see complimented me on how much weight i have lost and how well she feels i am doing on my weight loss journey.
The truth is though that as much as i have been thinking about trying to lose weight, i haven’t actually been actively trying lately. I have noticed that my belt is now easily doing up one hole smaller than usual so i guess that’s a good sign to show my body is changing shape, but the scales can’t be trusted as i have actually put on a bit of weight since i last weighed myself.

The jeans i am wearing today used to be a snug fit, they are now slightly baggy. Some of my tops are now looser than they used to be too.

Until yesterday though i hadn’t noticed anything myself. I hadn’t noticed the size of my waist shrinking, or how my jeans seemed to be getting looser.

It took someone else to point it out to me and i had to trust that they were telling the truth. I thought about what they had said for quite a while and realised that yes, they were correct- i must be losing some weight or something as my clothes are not fitting differently.

It is easy to constantly look at yourself in a way that would have you keep thinking bad thoughts about yourself. It is easy to believe that you are still very much overweight and are hopeless and unable to do many of the things that you wish you could. It is so easy to do as it is probably something you’ve been telling yourself- or worse still, what others have been telling you up until now.

There comes a time in everyone’s life when you have to shed those bad thoughts and step into a mindset of only absorbing goodness, of only taking in positive thoughts, positive words and positive people into your life.

The sooner you get rid of all things toxic from your life, the sooner you will give yourself the chance to change for the better.

Imagine you are looking into a mirror and seeing the true you, the new, healthier you. It can happen, it’s not just a fairy tale.
You just have to believe in yourself and those you have your best interests at heart.

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The Bucket List

I am sure just about everyone has heard of the term “Bucket List”- that list you write sometime in your life that you hope to tick all the items off before you die…

Over the years and during various stages of my life, i have half-heartedly written bucket lists. Most of the things i have written have been far fetched or beyond my wildest dreams.

Over the past few days though i have been seriously thinking about what i want to do before i die.
I don’t know if these cysts are cancerous or not.
Either way though- i think it is time i should make some type of realistic list of things i want to do… alone… with my friends… my children… my husband… my family.

I was talking to my hubby today about what i might include in the list. Some things will be easy to get done, other things however will need more time and money to help them become a reality; a few things i’m not sure are even possible- they seem too far fetched.

I just don’t want my life to end not having lived it as fully as i hoped it could have turned out.

The Waiting Game.

It may only be a couple of days since i last had a check up, but my next appointment isn’t for another 6 weeks.
I should be happy that they have not needed me to come back ASAP as that would most likely mean something was REALLY wrong. I should be thankful that my issue isn’t that urgent BUT i am so scared.
Over the past week, i have felt like my health has deteriorated fast. Walking to the little one’s school was never too bad, i’d occasionally get a bit out of breath but nothing that i couldn’t recover from in a minute or so. Today i did the same walk and was so out of breath, light headed and felt somewhat shaky at times. I never get THAT out of breath.

Feeling like i did today has made me a bit more worried about the extent of my health at the moment. I have this gut feeling that although i am trying to go into this thinking it could possibly be a “worst case scenario” but will most likely be an “easy fix”; it may in fact be something more serious. I seem to be getting new sore spots around my body that just don’t make sense. They feel like i’ve walked into the corner of a table of something, but i know i have not done any such thing.

I just hope what i am feeling is nothing sinister.

When psychological becomes physical.

For years now, i have almost constantly had issues with my emotional and psychological health… at times i would end up with physical pains and illnesses too, but i didn’t always allow myself to believe that the two can be one and the same, that my mental health can affect my physical health.

Over the past year or so i have tried to educate myself, tried to make myself realise that when i am mentally stressed or ill, that some of my physical ailments may be directly connected too.

Last night though- a pain in my right side/groin reminded me of that.
This morning i woke up and it was worse than last night. I know that it is NOT my appendix as i had that removed 10 years ago.

I am hoping it is nothing bad… just a side effect of being stressed more than usual lately.

Daily Prompt: Taper

I hoped and prayed that the vicious nature of her once beautiful soul would taper off and reveal the person she once was.

I hold a glimmer of hope that there is still a flickering light of love somewhere in the depths of her soul.
A glimmer of hope that she will one day realise that her current ways are detrimental to not only her own health and well being but to others too.

It scares me to think what she could possibly do if she was to ever go through with her threats. That is what scares me the most.

My once courageous feelings of knowing that i WAS capable of almost anything have, over the years, tapered right off as her behaviour worsened.
I know parenting is a never-ending series of lessons about life, but this is getting a bit much at times.

I hope that one day, all this negative energy and outrage will taper off so much so that is is a far off memory that we can all put behind us.

 

via Daily Prompt: Taper

What a day!

It’s been a day i’d rather forget. A day i would rather just wipe out of my life. Just fall asleep and start fresh tomorrow… or relive today in a totally different way.

My eldest child (a moody teen) let all her frustrations out on me today… only verbally, but i think those words she hurled at me caused more pain than if she had’ve done anything else instead.

She got me to the point where i was having suicidal thoughts. The words hurt that bad.
It was like my own teenage years had returned, the days of when i was constantly being bullied, taunted, tormented, teased, put down…..
Except this time, my biggest bully was my own daughter.
My own flesh and blood.

I wish i knew what i had done wrong to cause her to lash out like she did… it’s not the first time though, she often treats me like this. She says i don’t deserve any respect from her. I know i DO deserve respect, but a small part of me believes her as i know i haven’t been the best Mum, especially in the first couple of years of her life. I could have done more back then, but i was young, naive, and still learning how to be a parent myself.

I have spent a lot of the day not really able to complete anything that i wanted to. Nor have i really been able to continue on with the things i wanted to get done. I have simply hidden in the bedroom all day. It’s usually where i feel safe, but not today. Even when my younger three came in to spend time with me, i still didn’t feel safe.
My eldest came to the bedroom a few times (she was cleaning her bedroom today which was a miracle in itself so i didn’t want to say anything bad to her) just to curse at me, just to tell me what a horrid person i was, to tell me how worthless i was.

For someone who has such a low self esteem, it doesn’t take much for me to withdraw and feel so much less wanted than the most worthless thing you could ever imagine.

I have started doing crafts to try and find some enjoyment in life again, i am enjoying it when i put my mind to it and it seems others like what i do too as i have orders to make items for other people and they want to pay me for it. That has to be a HUGE compliment when someone likes what you do enough to want to pay you to make things for them too.

But then, like today, shit hits the fan and it feels like my whole world is collapsing around me, it feels like i am being sucked into a deep dark chasm, unable to get out, unable to breathe, unable to fight back. When life just gets too complicated, too hard.

It would just be easier to simply give up. Let the bullies win. I am sure that would then allow everything to return to some type of normality- if i wasn’t around to cause all this trouble and commotion.

I am incredibly sad… yet i have no tears left to cry. I’m all cried out, but oh so empty within.

I need to find myself. I need to find… to realise that i do still belong. That i belong somewhere. That i do have a place on this earth, that i am still wanted and needed.

I just don’t know how to find that out.

Nobody can hear my cries for help.

Overthinking

I was just briefly chatting to a friend on a social media site and she mentioned how crazy it is that we often bump into each other online at some crazy hour of the night/morning… like now.

I do agree with her. Why do we often find it so hard to relax our minds and bodies of an evening, why is it so hard to get ready for a restful night’s sleep? Why does it seem hard to allow our bodies the time it needs to recharge and get ready for the following day?

I jokingly said to her i believe that i am most creative at this hour, she thought a similar thing adding that we must also stay awake due to the snoring coming from the rest of the household sleeping.

And yes, I am typing this while i sit on the bed, my husband laying down next to me, snoring- quite loudly at times… and also passing wind much louder and more projected than what he seems capable of when he is awake.

That’s not the only reason why i am awake though, i feel the biggest cause of my insomnia is due to so many things going through my mind. Some of the things i can pinpoint but most of them i can’t. I am sure it’s something in my subconscious mind that i must try to block out most of the time, but once i relax enough and start to feel creative… that’s when those locked away thoughts come flooding back to the forefront of my mind and interrupt my train of thought, stall my ability to get tired enough to fall asleep or influence my mind so much that i trigger myself and end up having an anxiety attack.
It really is not a good feeling, not being able to Ā control my own thoughts. It often makes me feel child-like again, child-like in a bad way. It makes me feel useless and unwanted plus that main thing i have noticed is that these bad thoughts seem to be magnetic- they attract other people to take out their frustrations on me. Other people seem to put me down or blame me for things i have no control over when i am feeling bad about myself.

I need to learn how to live in the moment more. I need to learn to stop over thinking.

But how does one NOT overthink?

Change can be scary

The past couple of weeks have been crazy and somewhat scary.

Things haven’t changed too much in what i have been used to doing, but the reasons i am doing what i am have changed.

2 weeks ago i began a paid Casual job. This is the first paid job i have had since 2002.
It isn’t too different to what i have been doing as a volunteer for the past two years, there are a few extra tasks involved, but nothing too scary.
Now i get to handle money more, take EFTPOS payments, be more involved in allergy alert and Gluten Free food orders.

I guess the scary thing is more those tasks which have to be learnt and remembered and then be able to be done automatically without much thought going into them. Things such as delivering staff lunches to the correct staff rooms.
There are close to 10 staff rooms and knowing which lunches have to be delivered to each room is daunting to someone who isn’t aware of the workplace layout/staffroom locations. It got so bad today when i was asked to deliver the lunches on my own that i actually had an anxiety attack. I felt so ashamed. I felt inadequate. I wished the world would just open up and make me disappear. But it didn’t. What did happen? I let it get to me and let it upset me. I tried not to, but i cried. I couldn’t keep the tears away. This made me feel even worse.
Thankfully my boss is understanding and pulled me aside for a quiet chat. I told her of my worries and she said i should not have been told to take the lunches on my own this early in, how i should have had at least a week or two experience, shadowing another staff member and getting used to what i should deliver and where.

On top of that, it didn’t help that i had so much more going on in my mind.
Stress, money issues, random negative thoughts… It all snowballed and made things seem so much worse than what they were.

I have also been sick for the past month or so. It turns out i have tonsillitis. Thankfully i was recently able to see my regular doctor who gave me stronger medicine and did some tests which i am hoping will let us know what exactly is wrong with me and if it is something bad, or if my body is just run down and weak at the moment and not able to fight off simple viruses and infections.

I just feel like going for a day trip… getting back to nature. My body and soul is craving that. Going somewhere to just watch the water, watch the wind blow the leaves about in a forest, to water water ripple and ants marching in a line.
I just need time to recharge again.

I feel that my batteries are depleted. They are completely flat and no matter what i do, it just isn’t enough to give it my all each day. I am not running at the best of my ability. I am struggling.

There you go, i said it. I’m struggling. I am finding it hard to cope. Hard to cope with work. Hard to cope with life. Hard to cope with the thoughts racing through my mind- most of those thoughts which are by no means helpful to me or those who i influence.

If you are reading this and realise you or someone you know is in a similar position. Please, please stop and take some time for yourself. Take time to regenerate your soul. If you are unable to to work to the best of your ability, to be the best you know you can be, it WILL come through in your work, in your art, it will show through in your actions, your words and those who know you, will wonder what is wrong.
Do not be too proud to admit you need time out, to admit you need time to recharge.

You are worth it.

It’s not funny anymore.

Over the majority of my life I have been in some sort of pain.

It has almost always been back or neck/shoulder pain.

This is the third year in a row that I have ended up with bulged discs in my back, pinched nerves and other pain.
Over the past week I have put my back out twice. The silliest thing is HOW I did it.
The first time was due to me being stooped/hunched over transplanting seedlings into a raised garden bed, then the second time I re-pinched the nerve when I flushed the toilet. I did it flushing the toilet!!! How idiotic does that sound!?

I would have much preferred to say I had done it lifting heavy items but that’s not the case.
Last year I ended up in hospital with very similar problems and it was all due to me shifting my weight from one butt cheek to the other.
Stupid little things like that, it’s unbelievable!

The worst thing is that it takes weeks, sometimes months to recover and get back to some type of “normal”. Although these days I don’t know what normal is.
To me, normal is having an almost constant pain/ache, but not enough to warrant taking pain killers as I have grown accustomed to the feeling. I wish this was NOT my “normal”, but I don’t know if anything can be done.

Last year the word “surgery” was spoken a couple of times but they also said the risks outweighed the positives and it would be best to just “take things easy”.
Easy to say when you’ve got a family. Easy to say to someone who has young children that want to be picked up and hugged and played with.

I’m now on hydromorphone and have the option to take paracetamol as well if the pain is bad enough. I don’t want to rely on pain killers, I hate taking medicines and rarely do take them unless I feel there is no other answer.
At the moment though, I feel it is the only way I can be out of pain, or at least have the edge taken off the pain. Once the medicine kicks in, it doesn’t actually take the pain away completely. I can still feel the pressure and discomfort.
I guess the comfort is in knowing that for a few hours (if I’m lucky) I won’t be able to experience the full impact of the pain until the medicine starts to wear off.

I have been through physiotherapy following each episode over the past 3 years (I even had some physiotherapy earlier this year when I felt my back was getting niggly. I wanted to nip it in the bud before things got worse.) but once the worst of this current episode is over, I don’t know what to do. I do plan on going to my doctor for a chat and seeing what they recommend. I don’t want to continue having this back trouble each year for the rest of my life.

I have enough other stuff to deal with without having to worry about a dodgy back. šŸ˜¦

All I know is that this is something I wouldn’t wish upon anyone… not even my worst enemy.

But is it running away???

For quite a while now, I have had this dream in my head of packing a bag and going away for a short holiday… maybe a week or two at the longest.
That doesn’t sound out of the ordinary, does it?

Here’s the catch- I want to do it ALONE. Leave hubby and the kids at home and just escape.
Me.
Myself.
I.
No one else.
I feel that I have so much crap stuck in my head, that if I’m not able to find a way to get it all out, I’m going to do something stupid, I’m going to snap, do something that I will regret for a long time.
I don’t want that to happen.

No one has directly told me that is a selfish idea, but I can read between the lines. I’m sure it’s what they’re hinting at without actually saying it.
Going away by myself does seem selfish I guess.
Spending all that money on fuel, accommodation, food, experiences, and whatever else happens during that time.
With nothing much to show for it. Maybe a few souvenirs, some photos… possibly even a tan? But that’s about it.
The memories would be mine, and mine alone.

I’d have no one else to talk to about the time this or that happened as they wouldn’t be there to share it with me. They’d have to believe what I tell them.

But the more I think about it, the more I am drawn to the idea of a solo holiday.
I wouldn’t have to worry about answering to anyone. I wouldn’t have to worry about where the kids were or what they were doing at the time.
I would be able to do as much or as little as I felt like doing. I could eat when I felt like it- not when I was told it was time to eat.
If I felt like going for an early morning walk (or even a jog)- I could. If I wanted to stay up all night, I wouldn’t have to feel ashamed or like I was letting others down by doing so.

I think travelling alone with no real set itinerary would be better than any medicinal interference/assistance.
It would allow me to rid my body of all the stress that has been building up for the past year or so.

We live in a highly technological world. With a smartphone, laptop and mobile internet- I’m never far away from anyone.

My body is screaming out to replenish itself, it needs to recharge, it needs time to heal, it needs time to just exist without having to think too much.

The chest pains are what concerns me the most.
I have had several tests done recently and my body is medically fit, stronger than some others even (which was surprising to me).
I was told the pains I get is most likely caused by stress.
I believe that- I really do. I often find myself stressing over silly little things here at home. Things that I am told I’m being stupid for worrying about.

I very rarely get sick, but when I do, it really hits hard.

I found out the hard way last week.
I woke up in the morning and spend the next couple of hours racing to the loo many many times. I had horrid cramps that went with it. I felt like I wanted to die.
When I wasn’t in the toilet, I was in bed trying to sleep. I don’t actually remember a lot from that day as my hubby said I was “passed out” for much of the day.
Maybe it was my body’s way of saying “Stop, slow down a bit”, or maybe I just had some type of 24 hour bug.
I don’t know. I have been trying to convince myself that I just had a bad tummy bug, but I think it may have been my body trying to tell me to slow down a bit.

I just don’t know what to do.
I want to go away, but I can’t help but think it’s the only child within talking to me- not the wife and mum who has 5 people to look after. I feel that I should stay here- it’s my job, isn’t that why I am a Mum and wife? To look after the kids and hubby?
My aching heart is telling me that I should go away. I feel it is telling me that although I feel like others are looking at me as though I am a selfish cow at the moment, they will realise that I am only doing it so I can “reset my body clock”, and know that when I get home I will be a new woman. I will be refreshed, my soul will be renewed and ready to deal with whatever is thrown in my direction.

I want to do what is right for me and my health (mental, physical…) but I am scared of being constantly labelled as a selfish so and so if I try to do anything for myself.

My hubby has been great lately- he’s kept the kids at home whileĀ I have gone to the shops to run errands or do some shopping, but I don’t class that as having “me time” I’ve got a list of things to do and I know I have to do it as quick as I can so I can get back home to everyone.

I stupid like sold the double prams so I can’t even take both my youngest children for a walk in the pram anymore. I’m a fast walker. I don’t expect either of my youngest to have to run alongside me while I go out walking. I’m not completely heartless. Since I have sold the prams- I haven’t done much exercise at all. I feel bad for it. I feel guilty for not looking after my health, but not as guilty as when I go out walking on my own… When I do that, I feel I am neglecting them.

I just don’t know what to think anymore.
I have so much going on in my head and I can’t seem to find anyone who understands what I am feeling.

My self esteem is plummeting into depths I haven’t experienced for a long time, my happiness long disappeared.

I just don’t know who I am anymore.
I am lost.
I am nobody.