I am the reason.

I am the reason the house is filled with stress.

I am the reason why others get angry at my children.

I am the reason why my children don’t feel they need to be respectful.

I am the reason others are filled with hatred.

I am the adult who still lets the bullies push me around for fear of them hurting those I love if I speak up.

I am the result of a lifetime of bullying.

I know what it’s like to wish I was dead rather than put up with the hurtful words and actions of my bullies.

But I would never wish the same upon them as I doubt they would survive it like I have.

They are not strong enough to put on a brave face and act as if it is not affecting them one bit.

They are simply scared individuals who have not been taught ways of expressing their feelings without hurting others. They act in a cowardly manner as they know no better.

InCoMpLeTe

I feel i don’t know who i am any more.

i just spent about half an hour reading through some of my earlier posts. I cried, i was amazed at how strong i was, i shuddered at the way i was treated by others.

Now i am trying to find the real me again…

But i don’t know where to look. I don’t know where to start.

It honestly scares me.

I thought i would have been a good role model for my children, but now i an unsure if i am even fit to be a parent.
I feel too unstable at times.

I wish there was an easy answer.

I have tried getting back to nature.
I went to the zoo. That wasn’t the best idea as i ended up spending far too much time watching the chimpanzees. I feel that at one stage, i was starting to share their feelings. I was overcome with sadness, with neglect and loneliness. It wasn’t a good feeling at all. I wanted to leave, but something made me stay longer, hoping i’d find a glimpse of happiness in one of their eyes.
I walked around Botanic Gardens which would normally be very relaxing and calming for me, but again, i didn’t feel calm or relaxed when i was there either.

How does one find them-self again when they feel broken beyond repair?

Feeling hollow and worthless.

It has been quite a while since I wrote a blog entry about what is on my mind. I think it’s been 6 weeks or so now.

I just don’t know what to think.
I feel that I have let my husband and children down by not being able to be the person they feel I should be for them.

My anxiety and depression has seemed to take over me.
I decided to make a positive change in my life by focusing on eating healthy, controlling my portion sizes (I’ve been known to indulge on foods I really enjoy a little too much), and trying to better my fitness by exercising at least a few times a week. I have been enjoying going for brisk walks and doing gardening.

I even signed up to participate in a government health initiative to help me keep aiming for my goals of losing weight and getting fitter. I am not following the plans exactly, but I don’t try to dwell on my “stuff ups” too much, I just try to see tomorrow as a fresh start and keep going.

But I feel lost.

I feel as though a part of me is dying. I can’t quite put my finger on it.

I find that I am continuously imagining scenarios of where we are a happy family- where we have no worries in life, where the kids aren’t constantly fighting or in tears. I just want us to all be happy- my hubby, our 4 kids and me.

I believe we deserve to be happy.

Unfortunately though- I can’t help but feel that I am the common denominator as to why everyone is always upset, feeling hurt, frustrated and just becoming angry in general.

I feel I am re-living my childhood again. Not all of it though- just the bad bits. The bits I would rather forget. The bits I never wanted MY children to experience.

It scares me.

I don’t want to fall into a hole so deep that I can’t find a way out. I have been there before, as a teenager, when I was constantly being bullied by my peers at school.
It was at that time in my life that I didn’t want to live any longer- the only thing I felt I had to live for was my grandparents and my pets. If it wasn’t for them, I don’t think I would be here today.

I want to enjoy life again. I want to go on picnics with my family. I want to teach my children lots of things that I learnt as a child.

I just feel that whenever I suggest something, it isn’t taken seriously.

I don’t know what to say anymore without feeling stupid about it.

I want to be taken seriously.

If I am passionate about something, I’ll fight for it. If I truly believe that it is unachievable, I won’t chase it. I’ll just let it go… for now.

Everything happens for a reason- if it isn’t meant to be then it won’t happen… but dreams CAN and DO come true.