Overthinking

I was just briefly chatting to a friend on a social media site and she mentioned how crazy it is that we often bump into each other online at some crazy hour of the night/morning… like now.

I do agree with her. Why do we often find it so hard to relax our minds and bodies of an evening, why is it so hard to get ready for a restful night’s sleep? Why does it seem hard to allow our bodies the time it needs to recharge and get ready for the following day?

I jokingly said to her i believe that i am most creative at this hour, she thought a similar thing adding that we must also stay awake due to the snoring coming from the rest of the household sleeping.

And yes, I am typing this while i sit on the bed, my husband laying down next to me, snoring- quite loudly at times… and also passing wind much louder and more projected than what he seems capable of when he is awake.

That’s not the only reason why i am awake though, i feel the biggest cause of my insomnia is due to so many things going through my mind. Some of the things i can pinpoint but most of them i can’t. I am sure it’s something in my subconscious mind that i must try to block out most of the time, but once i relax enough and start to feel creative… that’s when those locked away thoughts come flooding back to the forefront of my mind and interrupt my train of thought, stall my ability to get tired enough to fall asleep or influence my mind so much that i trigger myself and end up having an anxiety attack.
It really is not a good feeling, not being able to  control my own thoughts. It often makes me feel child-like again, child-like in a bad way. It makes me feel useless and unwanted plus that main thing i have noticed is that these bad thoughts seem to be magnetic- they attract other people to take out their frustrations on me. Other people seem to put me down or blame me for things i have no control over when i am feeling bad about myself.

I need to learn how to live in the moment more. I need to learn to stop over thinking.

But how does one NOT overthink?

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Where for art thou sleepiness…

I wish i was tired and sleeping like the rest of the household currently is.

I know if i lie down, i’ll probably be asleep within 15 minutes or so, but it’s just getting into the mood to turn the TV off, the light off and get cosy under the covers.
I’m still quite stuffed up in the head with the tail end of this bug i have had for about a month now. Lying flat means i can’t breath properly so i prop myself up with 4 pillows but that just means i end up waking up with a sore neck and back.
It’s a catch 22 situation- i’m simply not going to have a comfortable sleep and wake up refreshed either way.

My tinnitus doesn’t help either, the quieter it is, the louder the ringing/hissing seems to be.
I had a shocker today. I was in a supermarket, got a bit anxious and stressed {*anxiety and stress is a big trigger for my tinnitus} due to the amount of people there all trying to get through the checkouts at once and also due to the fact i had an item scan at a higher price and had to have it rectified. I swear i felt like everyone could hear the noise i could hear- it was so loud that i could honestly hear very little. I am sure the staff member who served me thought there was something seriously wrong with me or thought i must have been stone deaf and forgot to put my hearing aids in. (I do NOT have hearing aids and hope to not need any for quite some time yet.) It was almost to the point where it was so loud that it was physically painful.

I recently read the list of side effects for the Thyroid medication i’m on. I ticked off many of those side effects and cannot help but wonder if that little tablet i take each morning is the cause for many of my current complaints/symptoms.
It is something that i will seriously have to talk to my Dr about next time i see her.

I am sick and tired (in more ways than one) of not getting a proper nights sleep, of constantly feeling like i have something wrong with me that i just can’t put my finger on, of not feeling like the me i used to be.

I could blame the kids- everyone who has kids had a different life before kids, but we adapt… I’ve had 12 1/2 years and 4 kids to adapt my life to share it with them (and hubby of course). That is a lame excuse though as i know the kids are NOT to blame. I would never blame the kids for my health issues (they may cause me some stress but they also give me a lot to be proud of and so much love- even if they don’t always show it themselves).

Well, i’m not sure how many people i have just bored to death with this entry, but i am finally yawning so will take this as a positive sign that i might just be getting tired enough to attempt to fall asleep listening to the deafening hiss of the tinnitus ringing louder than ever in my ears tonight.

Maybe i just need to turn into one of the old school cartoons- get a huge oversized ACME wooden mallet/hammer and hit myself over the head to knock some sense into myself and fall asleep easily?

DONK….. ZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Damn you Insomnia!

It’s just after 4am and I still can’t get tired enough to fall asleep.

The laughter of Kookaburras can already be heard even though the sun isn’t expected to come up for about another 2 hours yet.

I have the TV on quietly to help buffer the ringing, the shrilling in my ears that is my constant companion- Tinnitus.
When it is at it’s worst, like now- I am almost too scared to think about sleeping. The thought of laying with my head on the pillow worries me. I hate having to listening to deafening silence. Well, there’s not actually any silence at all,  not even when everything in the house has been turned off.. I doubt I will ever be able to turn off the squealing in my ears.

I know I should try get some sleep as I have a family to look after, but I seem to be wired, unable to get to sleep.
I do not know if it is due to the tinnitus or if it is something else.
I have spoken to my GP about being unable to sleep at night, but so far they don’t seem to be concerned.

I just wish I had answers.

Staying up all night makes me feel like not only a bad Mum but also a bad wife.
It is like I am living a separate life to the rest of my family.
That’s NOT what I want.

I just want things to sort themselves out…

Sleep would be nice…

…if I knew how to.

3:40am

It is 3:40am as I type this.
I am unable to sleep.

I am blaming the painkillers I am currently on for a back injury for my insomnia.

Last night I didn’t get to bed until 5am, just as the sun was starting to think about inching closer to the horizon before showing itself.

I hate being in pain. The drugs take the edge off it, but don’t make me better.

I am afraid I will end up addicted to my painkillers. I shouldn’t though as I am only on a low dose and only take them once or twice a day (I can take them 4 times a day if needed). I want to try and wean myself off them as I hate taking any type of medication.

My back has been troubling me for most of my adult life, but this latest injury happened about 2 weeks ago.
It isn’t much really- there are many people out there who are much worse off than what I am.

I simply have bulged discs and pinched nerves. I have other health issues that most likely do not help but it is something I have learnt to live with over the years.

Before I hurt my back I had a horrid flu/virus that had been doing the rounds of my community, my suburb, my city…

For the past month I guess, I haven’t eaten much compared to what I used to. Some days I might have 2 small meals, some days 1 meal, some days I may just graze on a few pieces of fruit over the course of a day.
In a way, I am happy as I am losing weight. I think I have lost well over 5kgs so far. I have been trying to lose weight and get fitter and healthier this year so in a way I guess this is a blessing in disguise, but I was wanting to do it in a healthy way. To reach my “ideal weight”, I still have to lose another 10-15kgs.

For the past fortnight I have pretty much been bedridden. I know being mobile is the best way to recover, but it just hurts so much if I have to stand or walk for more than half an hour, sometimes I can barely get around for a few minutes before I feel my spine compressing again and pinching back down on the nerves.
Sitting or laying in bed seems to give me the most relief, but even when I do that, I can get numbness, pain, tingling, pins and needles down my legs- usually my left leg. I truly hope o am not causing myself nerve damage, I don’t want to permanently damage my body more than what  has been done.

I’m not sure what can be done with me.
I have had the same back issue happen three years running now. It is seriously beyond a joke. I do not want to go through it again.
Last year it was so bad I ended up in hospital.
Earlier this year I felt my back getting a bit niggly so I had some sessions with a physiotherapist to nip it in the bud before it caused me trouble. I thought I’d got out of it but then it hit me and has had me on the sidelines for the past 2 weeks.

It is so frustrating.

Some days, laying in bed alone- with only the TV for company, my mind wanders off…
It would be so much easier for my family and friends if I wasn’t here. I feel like such a burden on everyone, needing my husband to help look after me like I am one of the children.
It really doesn’t make me feel very worthwhile.

I just want my body to be able to move and function normally.

Inside my mind

Sitting up in bed listening to the sound of my husband’s breathing as he sleeps next to me
The TV is on although it is more for background noise than anything else.
My back to the window, I can feeling the cold of night creeping into the room
The rest of the house is silent- not moving at all.

Typing away on the keyboard, I cannot help but wonder why I am not asleep as well
I am simply not tired.
Well, I AM tired but my brain seems to be so wired that I just don’t feel drowsy at all.
Not. At. All.

Quite a while ago the clock ticked past midnight, daring me to stay up even later
Here I am, challenging time itself; knowing I won’t win but giving it my best anyway.
There are other people in the house yet I feel so alone.
Not because I am the only one awake, but because I feel I am the only person to understand me.

Some days I do not know if I understand myself which makes me question my own existence
It leaves me wondering who I am, why I am here, what my calling is.
The black dog often walks beside me, reminding me of all the negative thoughts I am constantly trying to push away.
Reminding me of who I used to be for a very long time.

I want to start fresh-
I want to be able to enjoy life, I want to be able to trust those who deserve my trust.
The new me is trying to get out, but the old me is just too strong and powerful
Some days I feel completely hopeless and powerless.

Powerless and hopeless due to the demons inside my head
They rule the thoughts that confirm all my worst dreams and worries.
I very much doubt anything bad will ever happen but I don’t know for sure
It is these doubts that take front seat when I have time to think.

 

Don’t you just hate it???

Don’t you just hate it when the rest of the house is asleep but you’re still awake.

I WANT to go to sleep, but my mind is wired.
My mind is completely awake and buzzing but my body is tired and wants to slow down and go to sleep for the night in hope of somehow recharging for tomorrow… well, later on today when I have to get up again.

The cicadas are outside singing their crazy little song… it doesn’t worry me though as I have tinnitus, a buzzing noise in my head that is almost always with me, day in day out… it is always there.
Sometimes it gets so bad that I want to pull my hair out, sometimes it gets so bad that I punch myself in the head- not hard enough to really hurt myself, just enough that it makes me feel as though I have accomplished something.

What that thing is… I don’t know.

I doubt I’ll ever know.

I guess some people would call this insomnia but I don’t as once I can calm my mind enough to get ready for sleep, I can fall asleep pretty fast once my head hits the pillow.
It’s just the part where I try and get ready for sleep that I have trouble with.

I always seem to have something on my mind- no matter how trivial or silly it seems, it is usually the one thing that hinders my ability to be able to get to sleep.
I often think about things that I cannot control.
I know it’s not a healthy thing to do, but I guess I have been doing it for so long that it is a bad habit that I have to work on correcting.

I am constantly making mental notes of things I want to do, things I wish I had the courage to say to people, things I wish I had.
It makes me feel bad as when I think about all the things I desire to do, say or obtain- I can’t help but think I must be a greedy, selfish person who doesn’t deserve anything good in life.

I just hope tomorrow is more productive than what today (yesterday) was.