Another session digs deeper.

Today i had yet another session with my psychologist. I am getting better to what i was when i first started seeing her a number of years ago, but with everything i have been through over the past 6 months or so, it has still left me quite rattled and i still get triggered by little insignificant*  things in my day to day life.

We had a chat about it and she was surprised. I didn’t think i had been, but apparently i have been bottling it all up inside. Having done that she thinks could also be the cause for why i have had so many physical illnesses over the same time period too.
Headaches, aching back/bones, coughs and colds and other issues that hadn’t been worrying me before those relatives started threatening me.

Thinking about it, the way my body is reacting, does make sense. It is reacting to how i have been feeling. It is reacting to all the negativity i have been through, my body is helping me shut out things that are bad for me.

I just hope that i am able to clear my mind and body of this negativity over the coming weeks and months.

This month has been reasonably good to me.
My life is starting to look brighter than it was last year or the year before that…. or before that.

I have mentioned in the past how i have been volunteering. Well, on VAlentine’s Day i was offered a job. My Volunteer position is now a PAID POSITION! I will finally be able to start saving some money. This is the start of a new me. I am both scared and excited about this new stage of my life.
I just have to trust that i am capable of doing the tasks set for me and that i will be successful now and in the future.



*(Insignificant to the general public but a HUGE deal to my subconcious mind.)


DAILY PROMPT: But… IS it a job?

I’m a stay at home Mum. I don’t have a 9-5 job like a lot of people, I don’t go out in the mornings and come home in the evenings.

My job is supposedly getting up in the mornings, getting breakfasts for the kids, getting their bags packed and the older kids off to school then keeping the little ones amused all day until the older ones come home. Then it’s getting tea organised, bathing kids and settling them in for the night.
Add a lot of games, laughter, smiles, book reading, messy play, cooking, etc…
That’s not how I work though.

If that’s what a Mum does, I’m an absolute failure, an utter disgrace to the human race.

I find it easy to wake up in the mornings, but it’s getting out of bed that I find hard. Some mornings, I am actually scared of getting out of bed.
Scared of what my children have to accuse me of, scared of stepping on someone’s toes from making the wrong lunches, using the wrong bread, putting the wrong pieces of fruit into the lunch boxes, scared about getting all the breakfasts ready and then having people complain it wasn’t what they wanted or were promised from someone else the night before.
Because of all that morning crap, I feel it is easier if I don’t exist in the mornings until the kids have gone to school.

In an ideal world I would be respected, loved, appreciated.
People would realise that I put time and love into what I do, no matter how big or small it is.
I would be able to have fun with my kids without worrying about what others think of me.
I would be able to finger paint, play with play-dough, make mud pies and splash in muddy puddles with the kids.
In an ideal world the kids would enjoy being around me, they would enjoy doing things with me.
In an ideal world, I wouldn’t have to worry about what my kids are saying to extended family about me.

Sometimes I think it would be easier to cease existing. To disappear into thin air. Let my hubby and his family raise our children without me as I believe they (the kids & in-laws) think I am not worthy of being their mum, of sharing the same surname that they have.

This may not be what is actually the case, but it is what the voice in my head tells me every second of every minute of every hour of every day, week, month and year…

It cuts deep inside and my self esteem continues to plummet into depths I didn’t know were imaginable. Deeper than I have ever experienced before.

I shouldn’t be like this. I am a MUM, I should be the Matriarch of my little family, working side by side with my hubby, raising our kids the best way we know how.
We will never be “perfect”- I don’t believe anyone ever is perfect, but I do know that we are all capable of doing our best.

Unfortunately for me,  these days doing my best is actually getting out of bed, giving the little ones a hug sometime throughout the day, watching some TV with them and attempting to help my eldest children with their homework until they decide to tell me off for not giving them the answers to the questions asked in their homework books. (I’m one of those “bad” Mums who rewords the questions in a way which will make my kids think differently about the question, approach it in a different way and hopefully work out the answer for themselves rather than just saying “here- this is the answer…”)


My dream job would be to run my own small business.

I have it all thought out in my head and hope to one day, possibly have this dream come true.
I know it will be a lot of hard work, long hours and a lot of love, sweat and tears.

I will have a little shop/museum/café in a country town. In it there will be a variety of collectables and antiques from my (and my hubby’s) personal collections as well as similar items for sale.
There will also be a little café selling home-style biscuits, cakes, slices, scones and other light meals. Beverages will include tea, coffee, milkshakes, smoothies and juices as well as pre-packaged drinks (soft drinks, etc).

I would go one step further by also offering for sale craft items and jams, chutneys and other tasty products made by people living in the district with a % of the profits going back to the community.