What a day!

It’s been a day i’d rather forget. A day i would rather just wipe out of my life. Just fall asleep and start fresh tomorrow… or relive today in a totally different way.

My eldest child (a moody teen) let all her frustrations out on me today… only verbally, but i think those words she hurled at me caused more pain than if she had’ve done anything else instead.

She got me to the point where i was having suicidal thoughts. The words hurt that bad.
It was like my own teenage years had returned, the days of when i was constantly being bullied, taunted, tormented, teased, put down…..
Except this time, my biggest bully was my own daughter.
My own flesh and blood.

I wish i knew what i had done wrong to cause her to lash out like she did… it’s not the first time though, she often treats me like this. She says i don’t deserve any respect from her. I know i DO deserve respect, but a small part of me believes her as i know i haven’t been the best Mum, especially in the first couple of years of her life. I could have done more back then, but i was young, naive, and still learning how to be a parent myself.

I have spent a lot of the day not really able to complete anything that i wanted to. Nor have i really been able to continue on with the things i wanted to get done. I have simply hidden in the bedroom all day. It’s usually where i feel safe, but not today. Even when my younger three came in to spend time with me, i still didn’t feel safe.
My eldest came to the bedroom a few times (she was cleaning her bedroom today which was a miracle in itself so i didn’t want to say anything bad to her) just to curse at me, just to tell me what a horrid person i was, to tell me how worthless i was.

For someone who has such a low self esteem, it doesn’t take much for me to withdraw and feel so much less wanted than the most worthless thing you could ever imagine.

I have started doing crafts to try and find some enjoyment in life again, i am enjoying it when i put my mind to it and it seems others like what i do too as i have orders to make items for other people and they want to pay me for it. That has to be a HUGE compliment when someone likes what you do enough to want to pay you to make things for them too.

But then, like today, shit hits the fan and it feels like my whole world is collapsing around me, it feels like i am being sucked into a deep dark chasm, unable to get out, unable to breathe, unable to fight back. When life just gets too complicated, too hard.

It would just be easier to simply give up. Let the bullies win. I am sure that would then allow everything to return to some type of normality- if i wasn’t around to cause all this trouble and commotion.

I am incredibly sad… yet i have no tears left to cry. I’m all cried out, but oh so empty within.

I need to find myself. I need to find… to realise that i do still belong. That i belong somewhere. That i do have a place on this earth, that i am still wanted and needed.

I just don’t know how to find that out.

Nobody can hear my cries for help.

Employed at last

3 weeks ago i started the first paid job i have had since 2002. I have done volunteer work during the past 15 years, but i am now employed again.

I thought it would be a huge boost to my self esteem. I thought it would make me happy.
But it hasn’t. Some days i enjoy it, other days i can’t help but think about when i can go home.

I enjoyed doing the work as a volunteer, but now that i am doing a very similar job as a paid employee, it just feels different. It’s almost like i am not good enough at times, like i’m not fast enough at my job.

The money is OK. It’s helpful. I want to save up but at the moment most of my money has to go towards bills. I know that’s how the working life is… you go to work, earn money, pay bills. REPEAT.
If you’re very fortunate you might have a bit left over to go out for a day trip, go to the movies, go out for a meal, etc…

I just wish i knew why i was no longer enjoying the job i have enjoyed doing (as a volunteer) for the past 2 years. My work load hasn’t changed much at all, but i feel i am now not appreciated quite as much by all the staff.

It’s most likely just me thinking crazy thoughts, but it feels so real to me at the moment.

I just don’t know who i can talk to about it as i don’t feel i have any friends in the same position as me, so they can’t quite understand exactly how i am feeling… or they can’t help me learn or work out why i am feeling like this.

Maybe i need to find myself…

Life goes on…

So, it seems that although the reality of my Nan’s death and the grief is now hitting me like a truck at random times and knocking me for six, i still seem to be able to pull myself together and get on with life.

I now know i am not running on auto-pilot. I feel a very strong need to get away for a while. I don’t know, it could be a number of hours, or a week or more. I just don’t know. All i know is that i need to be on my own for a little while and be with someone who loves me too. Just so i can hug them and have someone to “just exist” with me. Someone to watch the clouds with me, or the stars…

I just need to get back to nature…..

Uncertainty

Setting out into the dark I watched for a glimpse of life. The flicker of eyes, the warmth of a breath on a cold winter’s night, the sound of a smile…

There was nothing.

Into the darkness was more darkness and unknowing. There was no sign of life, no sign of existence.

Where exactly was I? I was still standing so I knew there was gravity and I must still be on Earth.

The silence was unbearable. Not being able to hear anything at all was deafening. Not being able to see was blinding.

It was all to much for me to comprehend. I didn’t want to go back to where I had been yet I was scared to continue going forward in fear of what may lie ahead of me.

I felt naked. Alone. Scared.

I wanted to reach out yet I felt I was bound tightly and could not move at all.

I could feel myself drowning. Drowning in a pool of nothingness.
Nothing. At. All.

I wanted to scream out for help yet when I opened my mouth, no words came out. I was unable to talk, unable to make any audible noises.

I want to cry yet my body is as arid as the driest of dry deserts- parched and lifeless if viewed from the outside
BUT
If you take a closer look you would realise there is life within.

There are tears trying to come out, screams of pain, of pleading.
I was not drowning, I was safe.

Hands reached out to me, my body draped in soft cloth with loved ones nearby.

Everything was becoming clearer than it had ever been before.
I could hear the wind howling, I could hear all the animals, running water, rustling leaves.

I could see it all.

I was alive.