Fast forward 12 months…

and you arrive at today.

It was about a year ago that my Nan was first diagnosed with the breast cancer.

It was about a year ago that my life changed more than i thought it ever would.

I feel so alone, even though i know i have a few friends and family that do care.

Others not so much, but a few do.

I have very strong feelings that the next 3 months are going to be very hard as it was this time of year- last year, that i spent so much time with Nan. Helping her in every way that i could. Even if it was just sitting with her by her hospital bed, or on the lounge next to her when i was looking after her.

I will never forget the little chats we had, the things she told to me that i will take to the grave- just as she took them to hers.

I thought the grief would lessen and life would be easier to live as time went on. But it seems that it isn’t the case.

As i type this, tears are running down my cheeks, i cannot stop them, nor do i think i want to stop them.
They are tears showing how much i miss my Nan, how much i loved her, how much i still love her. How i wish i could have her back with me.

Sometimes life really sucks. I can’t help but wonder what i have done so bad to deserve these obstacles in my life.

I just want to be free.
I just want to feel loved.
I just want to know who i am.

I feel that i have lost all meaning of life.

I am scared.

She is free.

I received the phone call from the hospital in the early hours of the morning. Nan had passed away.

She is now free. Free from pain. Free from being force fed. Free from having to live because some people were not willing to accept the fact she was ready to go.

I was told she was unconscious for about the last 12 hours. This is comforting for me to know as i believe it made the transition into her next life a calmer one for her.

I have always been one who likes to know information, who likes details.
I would love to know the exact time she passed. I would love to know what her final day was like. I would love to find out what her final medical results were. I would love to know exactly where the cancer had spread.
I doubt i will ever get this exact information. It is something i will have to live with for the rest of my life.

But one thing is for sure.

I know i was ALWAYS honest with everyone.

I know i ALWAYS gave Nan my full attention and care when i was looking after her; not just in these most recent weeks & months but for all my life.
I have helped her with lots of things since i was a little girl and i can live my life knowing i always did the most i could for Nan and i know she appreciated everything i did for her.

 

I love you so much Nan.
May you now fly free.

Free the love within

Do not hold love within your heart for fear of your heart being broken.

Free the love within.

Do not hold back from telling someone how much they mean to you for fear of the unknown.

Free the love within.

Do not stop loving someone because of ignorance or a lack of understanding.

Free the love within.

Don’t ever stop loving for fear of running out of love as love is never-ending.

Free the love within.

Do reach out to those with a tear running down their cheek, they need love at this moment.

Free the love within.

Do accept love from others with open arms and give love to others just as freely.

Free the love within.

Do be accepting of everyone; we all have pain, joy and sorrow, we all deserve to love and be loved.

Free the love within.

Just as the butterfly flutters away from the sweetly scented flower, you too must learn to…

Free the love within.

Alone in a crowded room

Every day people come and go in the house.

Carers, family, friends.

They all come to help or see my Nan and how she is going.
Some ask how I am, but the response is always the same “I’m fine thanks”.

This could not be further from the truth though.

I can’t recall the last time i felt this lonely. Maybe it was during my teenage years when the bullying was at it’s worst? When i always had people around but i never felt i could say anything without being told I’d brought this upon myself.
I did not then, as i do not want to now, bring attention to myself.

This time is my Nan’s time. She deserves to shine for as long as she can. I do not want to take the spotlight away from her.

Meanwhile i stand out of sight watching over her, watching over everyone. Standing in the wings silently weeping, silently wishing i could make things better, silently wishing i could give her everything she wants and everything she needs at this very moment.
Silently wishing i had the guts to speak up and say what i felt.

To say that some people should take a good hard look in the mirror as they are hurting Nan by thinking of themselves, by putting THEIR wants before hers. By suggesting options which make THEIR life easier even if it is the complete opposite of what she wants or needs.

But this won’t ever happen. Not out loud anyway. Not while Nan is living. I will continue to keep my thoughts to myself, i’ll continue to have a weight lift off my shoulders when you leave the house until next time.

I will continue to put my whole life, spirit and soul into taking care of Nan.

I truly want her to be able to do whatever she requests. I will do my best to be able to make it happen for her.
So far i feel i am doing the right thing for her.

She is my #1 priority.
I wish i could take the pain and illness away and die with it so she doesn’t have to.

When is a birthday NOT a birthday?

So, i recently had a birthday, but it was more like a regular day. Just like any other day of the week.

I didn’t want it to be about me as i want to celebrate my Nan’s life for as long as she is alive, i don’t know how much longer she has left, but i want every day to be special for her.

Any other birthday i probably would have asked to go away for the weekend or have a day trip somewhere with the family but not this year.
This year i was happy to stay with my Nan and have my family come to me (which they did) as well as see the people who came to visit my Nan.
It was so lovely to see extended family members who i haven’t seen for a while.

I had friends, family & acquaintances wish me a Happy Birthday on Social Media which was lovely.

But at the end of it… it’s just another day.
I am happy that my Nan ate better that day. She ate more that day than she had for a while beforehand. That is what made me happiest.

That is what life is about.

Love. Family. Friends.