Pushing through


It’s definitely not a word to be taken half heartedly, nor joked about.

It is not the “easy way out”, it is beyond a cry for help.

It is something that often comes up in my mind. My mind constantly tells me the whole world would be better off without me.

It doesn’t help that people talk down to me. I don’t care if you don’t like me, just don’t constantly remind my children what a waste of space I am. That is why they don’t respect me, that’s why they often tell me how bad a person I actually am.

It gets so bad that I find myself believing their lies. It’s easier to believe vicious lies than to try and fight for myself, speaking up for myself has seldom worked, and even if I did find an ounce of courage- it doesn’t take much to make my self esteem stoop lower than it ever has before.

Maybe I’m meant to die a slow miserable death, starting with my soul and loves being killed off first until I am just an empty hollow shell of my former self?


Life as an Icicle

Sometime life feels like you are a icicle.
So solid and sturdy yet so fragile and breakable.

One minute you feel like you can see what is in front of you for quite a long time… the next second- you’re broken and plummeting in a downward spiral not knowing what is going to happen next.

Will you land in soft snow and transform into something new, or will you hurtle to the ground, shattering into millions of tiny pieces?

Are those of us with broken minds simply icicles hanging on for dear life… hanging on for dear life, hoping we can stay strong enough to let go when we are ready and have a soft, safe landing into the unknown?

Health matters

I have decided i have to once and for all start looking after my health, mental and physical, inside and out.

Due to an extremely low iron count which has been as low as it is for over a decade, a specialist appointment saw me take further measures to try and improve the chances of bettering my health.
I had a Mirena fitted which i am hoping, along with an Iron Infusion, will give me a better quality of life over the next 5+ years.

I hope to have the iron transfusion done in the coming weeks… then who knows how long it will be before i start feeling different to what i currently do.

I forget what it is like to not feel constantly tired, lethargic, ultimately being called lazy most of the time, because people don’t realise any better… they think nothing of calling me lazy.
My mind is constantly in overdrive though, always reminding me of what i have to get done, what i should be doing… That in itself can be draining and tiring for me.

I have also recently picked up knitting needles again. My late Nan first taught me to knit when i was about 7 years old, possibly a bit younger. I have since knitted off and on over the years, when i feel the urge. I have gone through stages of making scarves, then it was of making teddy bears, and most recently it has once again been scarves, bed socks/slippers, baby blankets and beanies too.
I am enjoying making beanies. I want to challenge myself and knit a jumper but i find it a bit daunting. I am worried it won’t work out as planned and i will have to pull it all apart and knit something else.
I find knitting relaxes me. I believe it is good for my mental health as when i am knitting, i am concentrating on what i have on the needles and i forget about what is troubling me.

Change can be scary

The past couple of weeks have been crazy and somewhat scary.

Things haven’t changed too much in what i have been used to doing, but the reasons i am doing what i am have changed.

2 weeks ago i began a paid Casual job. This is the first paid job i have had since 2002.
It isn’t too different to what i have been doing as a volunteer for the past two years, there are a few extra tasks involved, but nothing too scary.
Now i get to handle money more, take EFTPOS payments, be more involved in allergy alert and Gluten Free food orders.

I guess the scary thing is more those tasks which have to be learnt and remembered and then be able to be done automatically without much thought going into them. Things such as delivering staff lunches to the correct staff rooms.
There are close to 10 staff rooms and knowing which lunches have to be delivered to each room is daunting to someone who isn’t aware of the workplace layout/staffroom locations. It got so bad today when i was asked to deliver the lunches on my own that i actually had an anxiety attack. I felt so ashamed. I felt inadequate. I wished the world would just open up and make me disappear. But it didn’t. What did happen? I let it get to me and let it upset me. I tried not to, but i cried. I couldn’t keep the tears away. This made me feel even worse.
Thankfully my boss is understanding and pulled me aside for a quiet chat. I told her of my worries and she said i should not have been told to take the lunches on my own this early in, how i should have had at least a week or two experience, shadowing another staff member and getting used to what i should deliver and where.

On top of that, it didn’t help that i had so much more going on in my mind.
Stress, money issues, random negative thoughts… It all snowballed and made things seem so much worse than what they were.

I have also been sick for the past month or so. It turns out i have tonsillitis. Thankfully i was recently able to see my regular doctor who gave me stronger medicine and did some tests which i am hoping will let us know what exactly is wrong with me and if it is something bad, or if my body is just run down and weak at the moment and not able to fight off simple viruses and infections.

I just feel like going for a day trip… getting back to nature. My body and soul is craving that. Going somewhere to just watch the water, watch the wind blow the leaves about in a forest, to water water ripple and ants marching in a line.
I just need time to recharge again.

I feel that my batteries are depleted. They are completely flat and no matter what i do, it just isn’t enough to give it my all each day. I am not running at the best of my ability. I am struggling.

There you go, i said it. I’m struggling. I am finding it hard to cope. Hard to cope with work. Hard to cope with life. Hard to cope with the thoughts racing through my mind- most of those thoughts which are by no means helpful to me or those who i influence.

If you are reading this and realise you or someone you know is in a similar position. Please, please stop and take some time for yourself. Take time to regenerate your soul. If you are unable to to work to the best of your ability, to be the best you know you can be, it WILL come through in your work, in your art, it will show through in your actions, your words and those who know you, will wonder what is wrong.
Do not be too proud to admit you need time out, to admit you need time to recharge.

You are worth it.

I’m lost.

I sit here propped up in bed. I feel lost. I feel i no longer know who i am or what i want.

I want to cry and let all my feelings out but something is holding me back. I don’t know what it is. I don’t know why it is doing it.

I want to enjoy life. Enjoy life with those around me when i have company. Enjoy my own company when i am alone. I want to enjoy little moments as well as big events.

I feel i have lost the ability to trust those who i trusted all my life. Without trust what do we have? Nothing.

To be and have nothing is very sad and lonely. No love, no honesty, no trust.

I think i have lost my way and i don’t know if i can find my way back…


I have just had a chat to a friend about an unrelated health issue but it got me thinking about different things we try to deal with in life.

There is a very interesting episode on Australia’s Insight show which can be viewed here and it talks to some individuals about their phobias.

I admit to having a number of fears and anxieties; some of which at times have had me almost frozen in fear and short of breath.

Some of the worst episodes i can remember occured during a school performance one of my children were a part of. It affected me so greatly that after dropping her off and racing back to my car i broke down in tears and started shaking almost uncontrolably, i was unable to drive for a good 10 minutes and it took me almost an hour to get home (should have been home in just over 5 minutes).
Another episode i had saw me unable to leave the house for over a week and unable to drive more than a few kilometres for close to a month. I had it in my mind that driving to visit a family member would result in something extremely bad happening to someone- i was unsure who, but i was convinced something was going to happen if i tried to go further than a few kms away.
I have also been nooked in for appointments and had to ring up and cancel less than an hour before i was due to show up.

I feel so inadequate when these things happen but it’s just something that i try to deal with when they do happen. I try to not let myself get too upset or emotional, espacially over little things as i know they can easily escalate into much larger things such as a panic attack.

Unfortunately phobias seem to be treated as a joke by some people, we who have phobias can try to educate them on what can be done to and for us but unfortunately this isn’t always possible as some people believe they know best and everyone else should be like they are.

October 10th- put it in your diaries!

October 10th is World Mental Health Day, a day where we can celebrate our uniqueness, where we can discuss how our condition affects us for the better and/or worse.

We shouldn’t restrict this to one day a year though- we should be able to freely talk about mental health whenever we want. There shouldn’t be a stigma attached but unfortunately it seems to still be the case in today’s society… although we are getting better. There are more people who are willing to listen and try to understand.

I was watching an interesting show tonight called Diaries of a Broken Mind. It followed a handful of people for a while and got their personal stories and saw them when they were going through both highs and lows.

If you get the chance to see this documentary for yourselves, i highly recommend you watch it. It was very interesting.

My thoughts are a bit all over the place at the moment as watching some shows tonight stirred up memories that i must have had buried deep in my memory.

Hopefully my next blog entry will make more sense and flow better…

What if someone had have reached out when someone else was in need?

The news of Robin Williams’ passing is still a shock to me.

I never knew him personally, but it still doesn’t stop me from getting upset when I see news coverage of him on TV.

It makes me wonder how much of what the media is saying is actually 100% true.

What was going through his mind in the days, hours, minutes leading up to when he passed away?
If someone had’ve simply asked “How are you feeling today?” would he still be here today?

Watching the news stories and past interviews he had done on TV, I can see the sadness in his eyes. Yes, he was a funny man. Yes, he brought a lot of joy and laughter to millions of people, but that didn’t necessarily mean he was happy within himself.

I just wish I knew answers. I am sure a lot of people wish they knew why.

Depression can be very crippling and it can drain a person of their livelihood, it can make them think things that they wouldn’t usually want to think about.
I know. I have been there. I am still there… or is that still here?
I have had the Black Dog with me for over 11 years now, but unofficially I think it could be a lot longer- possibly close to 20 years.
That’s a large portion of my life which, looking back on it, is very upsetting.

It never hurts to ask someone how they’re feeling.
It could even save their life.

But is it running away???

For quite a while now, I have had this dream in my head of packing a bag and going away for a short holiday… maybe a week or two at the longest.
That doesn’t sound out of the ordinary, does it?

Here’s the catch- I want to do it ALONE. Leave hubby and the kids at home and just escape.
No one else.
I feel that I have so much crap stuck in my head, that if I’m not able to find a way to get it all out, I’m going to do something stupid, I’m going to snap, do something that I will regret for a long time.
I don’t want that to happen.

No one has directly told me that is a selfish idea, but I can read between the lines. I’m sure it’s what they’re hinting at without actually saying it.
Going away by myself does seem selfish I guess.
Spending all that money on fuel, accommodation, food, experiences, and whatever else happens during that time.
With nothing much to show for it. Maybe a few souvenirs, some photos… possibly even a tan? But that’s about it.
The memories would be mine, and mine alone.

I’d have no one else to talk to about the time this or that happened as they wouldn’t be there to share it with me. They’d have to believe what I tell them.

But the more I think about it, the more I am drawn to the idea of a solo holiday.
I wouldn’t have to worry about answering to anyone. I wouldn’t have to worry about where the kids were or what they were doing at the time.
I would be able to do as much or as little as I felt like doing. I could eat when I felt like it- not when I was told it was time to eat.
If I felt like going for an early morning walk (or even a jog)- I could. If I wanted to stay up all night, I wouldn’t have to feel ashamed or like I was letting others down by doing so.

I think travelling alone with no real set itinerary would be better than any medicinal interference/assistance.
It would allow me to rid my body of all the stress that has been building up for the past year or so.

We live in a highly technological world. With a smartphone, laptop and mobile internet- I’m never far away from anyone.

My body is screaming out to replenish itself, it needs to recharge, it needs time to heal, it needs time to just exist without having to think too much.

The chest pains are what concerns me the most.
I have had several tests done recently and my body is medically fit, stronger than some others even (which was surprising to me).
I was told the pains I get is most likely caused by stress.
I believe that- I really do. I often find myself stressing over silly little things here at home. Things that I am told I’m being stupid for worrying about.

I very rarely get sick, but when I do, it really hits hard.

I found out the hard way last week.
I woke up in the morning and spend the next couple of hours racing to the loo many many times. I had horrid cramps that went with it. I felt like I wanted to die.
When I wasn’t in the toilet, I was in bed trying to sleep. I don’t actually remember a lot from that day as my hubby said I was “passed out” for much of the day.
Maybe it was my body’s way of saying “Stop, slow down a bit”, or maybe I just had some type of 24 hour bug.
I don’t know. I have been trying to convince myself that I just had a bad tummy bug, but I think it may have been my body trying to tell me to slow down a bit.

I just don’t know what to do.
I want to go away, but I can’t help but think it’s the only child within talking to me- not the wife and mum who has 5 people to look after. I feel that I should stay here- it’s my job, isn’t that why I am a Mum and wife? To look after the kids and hubby?
My aching heart is telling me that I should go away. I feel it is telling me that although I feel like others are looking at me as though I am a selfish cow at the moment, they will realise that I am only doing it so I can “reset my body clock”, and know that when I get home I will be a new woman. I will be refreshed, my soul will be renewed and ready to deal with whatever is thrown in my direction.

I want to do what is right for me and my health (mental, physical…) but I am scared of being constantly labelled as a selfish so and so if I try to do anything for myself.

My hubby has been great lately- he’s kept the kids at home while I have gone to the shops to run errands or do some shopping, but I don’t class that as having “me time” I’ve got a list of things to do and I know I have to do it as quick as I can so I can get back home to everyone.

I stupid like sold the double prams so I can’t even take both my youngest children for a walk in the pram anymore. I’m a fast walker. I don’t expect either of my youngest to have to run alongside me while I go out walking. I’m not completely heartless. Since I have sold the prams- I haven’t done much exercise at all. I feel bad for it. I feel guilty for not looking after my health, but not as guilty as when I go out walking on my own… When I do that, I feel I am neglecting them.

I just don’t know what to think anymore.
I have so much going on in my head and I can’t seem to find anyone who understands what I am feeling.

My self esteem is plummeting into depths I haven’t experienced for a long time, my happiness long disappeared.

I just don’t know who I am anymore.
I am lost.
I am nobody.

Inside my mind

Sitting up in bed listening to the sound of my husband’s breathing as he sleeps next to me
The TV is on although it is more for background noise than anything else.
My back to the window, I can feeling the cold of night creeping into the room
The rest of the house is silent- not moving at all.

Typing away on the keyboard, I cannot help but wonder why I am not asleep as well
I am simply not tired.
Well, I AM tired but my brain seems to be so wired that I just don’t feel drowsy at all.
Not. At. All.

Quite a while ago the clock ticked past midnight, daring me to stay up even later
Here I am, challenging time itself; knowing I won’t win but giving it my best anyway.
There are other people in the house yet I feel so alone.
Not because I am the only one awake, but because I feel I am the only person to understand me.

Some days I do not know if I understand myself which makes me question my own existence
It leaves me wondering who I am, why I am here, what my calling is.
The black dog often walks beside me, reminding me of all the negative thoughts I am constantly trying to push away.
Reminding me of who I used to be for a very long time.

I want to start fresh-
I want to be able to enjoy life, I want to be able to trust those who deserve my trust.
The new me is trying to get out, but the old me is just too strong and powerful
Some days I feel completely hopeless and powerless.

Powerless and hopeless due to the demons inside my head
They rule the thoughts that confirm all my worst dreams and worries.
I very much doubt anything bad will ever happen but I don’t know for sure
It is these doubts that take front seat when I have time to think.