Silent Fear

Life goes on. We all know this, but some days it feels as right now could very possibly be the last moments of your life.

Things get unbearable, negative thoughts rule over anything else which would otherwise make you take a few deep breaths and know things will be okay.

It is hard to breathe, it is hard to think straight. It is hard to believe anything people tell you. You find it even harder to explain to others how you are feeling and it is impossible to tell others that you need help. Right. Now.

It seems that everyone else has their shit together. Everyone else has their life in order.
Except you.
No one’s life is more fucked up than yours at this very moment.

Well, that’s what the voices in MY head tell me on an almost daily basis.

I hate it. I wish i could be happy and feel confident.

But it seems something is always holding me back.

The voice is always telling me i am never good enough. Or that i am too fat. Too ugly. Will never have the abilities to do what i dream of doing.

I want to prove those voices wrong.
But the voices are usually too strong and i constantly put myself down.

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The road’s getting bumpy.

I think the grief is starting to kick in now.

Today has not been a great day for me. I woke up with a list of things in my head that i wanted to get done but so far i haven’t done a single thing and i feel so bad because of it.

I just want to jump in my car and drive away. I don’t know where, all i know is that i don’t want to be here right at this very moment. It’s nothing about the people here. I love my family. I just want to be alone.

I just want to sit somewhere nice and reflect. Reflect on life. Reflect on what i have done.
Consider what i want to do from here. Do i have any goals that i would like to achieve? I know i have my “big dream”- the one where i run my own business in a country town, but i think i need to make some smaller, more realistic goals for now. I feel that my life is turning into a constant disappointment. It is like i can’t keep anyone happy. At times i feel as though i have been put on this Earth to upset everyone that i meet. I know that is NOT the case, but only being able to vividly remember the things which had the biggest negative impacts on my life means it is hard for me to accept anything positive that happens to me.

I want to turn it around. I want to fill my life with positive experiences. I want to be happy.
I am sure i deserve to be happy- heck, EVERYONE deserves happiness, so why shouldn’t i get some happiness too?

When real life gets in the way of virtual life.

Isn’t it funny;
If we didn’t have internet connection, I wouldn’t be writing this blog, nor would you be reading it.

We seem to have come to rely on being connected to the virtual world almost 24/7 these days.
We seem to get upset, frustrated, worried and concerned if we don’t know what is happening online.

Our virtual lives may be better than the lives we live in real life, or they may be worse… they may even work hand in hand with each other.
I suppose it differs with each person.

A little while ago my virtual world was much more interesting and more attractive than what my real life has been,
but for the past week, it’s been the other way around.
I have been kept quite busy.
Some days it was doing things for other people… actually, most days it was doing things for others.
Sometimes I felt I was doing a good job, other times I felt I was being nothing but a burden to everyone whether I knew them or not.
On those bad days I felt like going into hibernation- hiding from the world until things got better again.
Those days were really bad for me as I would let everything get to me which has resulted in me getting next to nothing done.

It also stopped me contacting those who I feel close to (outside the house). I feel I have let my friends down as I haven’t been a very good friend lately, especially during my low days.

I wish I could just be happy like other people. I try to put a happy mask on and act as though nothing’s wrong, but lately it’s been hard for me to wear the mask.

My true feelings have been showing through too much.

The worst part is that when people ask how I am, all I seem to be able to manage is a shrug of my shoulders or saying “Same as always” or something to that effect.
I feel it is almost impossible for me to say exactly what I want to, to say exactly how I am feeling in fear that people will label me as being childish or trying to be an attention seeker.
The fact is that I am not trying to do either, I just feel like crap and can’t really explain why.

Some days I wish I could just drive somewhere nice, maybe a lovely shady park near a lake or creek or river, maybe in a little section of bush or a forest that is near by just so I can be at one with nature and try and reconnect with myself and nature in general.

I think the problem is a lot of the time I forget WHO I am.

I am always trying to please others and do what they need me to do for them. Much of the time what I do doesn’t seem to be enough, but the fact that I tried my hardest never seems to be good enough for them.

It’s quite soul-destroying really.
It is a vicious circle I’ve been stuck in for many years now.
As a child I tried my best and depending on who I was with, I was either a great little helper or nothing but trouble and a big hindrance. Sometimes behaving the same way would get mixed results- it just depended on who I was with at the time.

As a teen and young adult, I tried to please everyone I liked.
This often got me in trouble and as a result I was bullied. A. LOT.

During my school years, I tried to keep my bullies happy by buying them things so they wouldn’t hurt or tease me. Thankfully I received an allowance so I was able to bribe my bullies with lollies and such.
After I’d finished school and entered the workforce, I’d hoped that would have been the end of the bullying- after all, this was the “grown up, adult, working world” now.
How silly I was.

At first things were great. Everyone was friendly to the new girl. I tried to get to know all my workmates and then chose to be closer friends with a select few who I believed were really trust worthy.
Maybe I was just naïve, maybe I was too young and green to understand what others were capable of, how not everyone I would meet would be people I could trust.

I had, on a few different occasions, my so called friends take advantage of me.
I’d grown up a tom boy and had many true male friends growing up so felt more comfortable around guys than I did around other girls but that’s what got me in trouble. I was too trustworthy.

I kept it a secret for over a decade. I was too scared to tell anyone what they had done to me as I felt that it was my fault. I’d been told it was my fault as I told my boyfriend at the time what had happened and he didn’t seem to have any sympathy for me, nor did he offer to help me. He simply told me that I must have led them on and it was all my fault.

I have found it very hard to completely recover from.
I still get flash backs which affects my relationship with my husband (who I didn’t even know at the times I was abused).
For some strange reason, it feels wrong writing that I was abused. I guess I have always felt that it was my fault so I shouldn’t be making myself a victim now, even though I was a victim at the time.

I get angry at myself for letting it happen.
I get annoyed that the flashbacks still seem to rule my life at times, usually at the most inconvenient times.

It’s feelings like that that stop me from doing things I enjoy.
Even stop me from doing completely unrelated things such as going online and such. It just seems to get too much to handle and I feel that I can’t concentrate enough to get anything done.

I just wish there was an easy cure………

Don’t you just hate it???

Don’t you just hate it when the rest of the house is asleep but you’re still awake.

I WANT to go to sleep, but my mind is wired.
My mind is completely awake and buzzing but my body is tired and wants to slow down and go to sleep for the night in hope of somehow recharging for tomorrow… well, later on today when I have to get up again.

The cicadas are outside singing their crazy little song… it doesn’t worry me though as I have tinnitus, a buzzing noise in my head that is almost always with me, day in day out… it is always there.
Sometimes it gets so bad that I want to pull my hair out, sometimes it gets so bad that I punch myself in the head- not hard enough to really hurt myself, just enough that it makes me feel as though I have accomplished something.

What that thing is… I don’t know.

I doubt I’ll ever know.

I guess some people would call this insomnia but I don’t as once I can calm my mind enough to get ready for sleep, I can fall asleep pretty fast once my head hits the pillow.
It’s just the part where I try and get ready for sleep that I have trouble with.

I always seem to have something on my mind- no matter how trivial or silly it seems, it is usually the one thing that hinders my ability to be able to get to sleep.
I often think about things that I cannot control.
I know it’s not a healthy thing to do, but I guess I have been doing it for so long that it is a bad habit that I have to work on correcting.

I am constantly making mental notes of things I want to do, things I wish I had the courage to say to people, things I wish I had.
It makes me feel bad as when I think about all the things I desire to do, say or obtain- I can’t help but think I must be a greedy, selfish person who doesn’t deserve anything good in life.

I just hope tomorrow is more productive than what today (yesterday) was.