Another session digs deeper.

Today i had yet another session with my psychologist. I am getting better to what i was when i first started seeing her a number of years ago, but with everything i have been through over the past 6 months or so, it has still left me quite rattled and i still get triggered by little insignificant*  things in my day to day life.

We had a chat about it and she was surprised. I didn’t think i had been, but apparently i have been bottling it all up inside. Having done that she thinks could also be the cause for why i have had so many physical illnesses over the same time period too.
Headaches, aching back/bones, coughs and colds and other issues that hadn’t been worrying me before those relatives started threatening me.

Thinking about it, the way my body is reacting, does make sense. It is reacting to how i have been feeling. It is reacting to all the negativity i have been through, my body is helping me shut out things that are bad for me.

I just hope that i am able to clear my mind and body of this negativity over the coming weeks and months.

This month has been reasonably good to me.
My life is starting to look brighter than it was last year or the year before that…. or before that.

I have mentioned in the past how i have been volunteering. Well, on VAlentine’s Day i was offered a job. My Volunteer position is now a PAID POSITION! I will finally be able to start saving some money. This is the start of a new me. I am both scared and excited about this new stage of my life.
I just have to trust that i am capable of doing the tasks set for me and that i will be successful now and in the future.

 

 

*(Insignificant to the general public but a HUGE deal to my subconcious mind.)

She is free.

I received the phone call from the hospital in the early hours of the morning. Nan had passed away.

She is now free. Free from pain. Free from being force fed. Free from having to live because some people were not willing to accept the fact she was ready to go.

I was told she was unconscious for about the last 12 hours. This is comforting for me to know as i believe it made the transition into her next life a calmer one for her.

I have always been one who likes to know information, who likes details.
I would love to know the exact time she passed. I would love to know what her final day was like. I would love to find out what her final medical results were. I would love to know exactly where the cancer had spread.
I doubt i will ever get this exact information. It is something i will have to live with for the rest of my life.

But one thing is for sure.

I know i was ALWAYS honest with everyone.

I know i ALWAYS gave Nan my full attention and care when i was looking after her; not just in these most recent weeks & months but for all my life.
I have helped her with lots of things since i was a little girl and i can live my life knowing i always did the most i could for Nan and i know she appreciated everything i did for her.

 

I love you so much Nan.
May you now fly free.

It’s getting close now…

I received two phone calls yesterday.
One from my Nan’s sister saying she had received a phone call saying that my Nan’s health has been deteriorating and that she is now needing strong painkillers at least every 2 hours; the second from another 2 relatives (via a “speaker phone chat”) letting me know that the cancer has now spread throughout Nan’s body, into not only more bones but also soft tissue and other organs. She has started hallucinating again, quite badly this time and is talking a lot of gibberish (possibly due to the pain relief she is on or maybe the hallucinations?).

No one could say how long she is expected to last for now, but i hope for her sake, that it isn’t too much longer as she has been saying she is ready to die for the past 5+ weeks.
I hate knowing that i have been threatened with violence by some family members if they find out i visit Nan. I don’t want them to think they have “won”, as they haven’t, i just don’t know if i want to see Nan now. In a way i do want to as i would love to have some “us time” to let her know how much i love her and just to be there with her for a little while but on the other hand, with what i have been told about her most recent health status and state of mind, i don’t think i do want to have this new memory of her. I think i would just prefer to remember her how i last saw her and moreso, about those weeks we spent together where i was able to be an extension of her and be able to care for her in between her hospital stays.

Although some people have tried to make these past few months hell for me, they have not won, nor will they get on top of me in the future.
I will not allow their childish ways to make me less of a human.
I will not let their immaturity get the better of me.

I know that what i have done for Nan over the past countless number of years (but mostly the past 2-3 years) will always be appreciated by Nan and also other family and friends who realise just how much i have actually done for her.

Most of all though, i feel so very lucky that i have spent a great deal of my life with Nan, having her to talk to whenever i wanted to, being able to have her as the first person i go to if i needed someone or if i wanted advice or needed to know how to do something.
Nan taught me so much about life, she taught me how to cook, how to clean, she taught me patience, perseverance, love, courage, she taught me to not judge a book by it’s cover, most importantly though- she taught me how to believe in myself.

 

21st Century Brainwashing.

Unfortunately it does still exist.

The Uncle and Aunt who were treating me like rubbish have been brainwashing my Nan and the rest of my family over the past few weeks.

Out if at least 70 people (50 of them blood related), there is now only one person that i think i can believe and trust (apart from my husband).
All the others have been told not to trust me, they have been told that i am the cause of Nan’s ill health, that i am the reason why all the bad things have been happening to not only her, but to other family too.

Even my own mother no longer trusts me. To the point of where she was agreeable to letting her 2 bossy siblings change the locks so i no longer have access to what personal belongings i have left in my childhood bedroom.
I want to get the rest of my belongings out of the house and back here where i can go through it all and store what has to be stored.

I very much doubt Nan is even aware that her set of house keys no longer fit her door locks.

This is beyond a joke. It is disgusting that people can treat their own family like this.

I am glad that i am not one to listen to lies and take it as gospel. I know what the truth is. The truth will eventually come out and those who started the gossip and rumours will not know what to do or say once the rest of their family wake up to their tactics.

I am now happy that i spoke up for Nan when she needed me most. It has all fallen on deaf ears though as they have also brainwashed Nan. How two people could brainwash their own Mother at the end of her life is beyond comprehension, but it has happened.

I was able to see Nan one last time last week, but only for a few minutes.
The terror and fear in her eyes was heart-breaking. She kept asking “Are they still here?” and constantly repeated “You can only stay 5 minutes, you can’t be here more than 5 minutes. You’re just a grandchild, you can’t stay more than 5 minutes.”

It tore at my heart.
These words were not coming from my Nan. She would never say anything like that to ANY of her Grandkids, let alone me.
Someone has been putting those phrases into her head, someone has been saying something to her where she feels that saying those things will make things better for her.

I just wish i had hard evidence to prove it.

My Aunt and Uncle are now spoon feeding her in hospital. They are not even allowing her the chance to feed herself, they are simply shoveling food into her each meal time and telling her that if she eats up, she’ll get better.

I have been led to understand that the opposite is true. She should now be eating less as she is at the end-of-life stage. It is now time for her to listen to her body, just eat when she feels like it, rest and sleep if she wants to, just let things happen.
This is natural, It’s nothing to be scared of.
Why would the Palliative Care staff tell Nan and I one thing but tell the rest of the family the opposite?

 

Have I failed?

I feel that i have failed those i love, those i care about, my family and friends… Myself.

I know i am in a situation that i cannot control.
It is up to God, Mother Nature, fate, whoever or whatever you believe in as to what happens from here.

I feel lost.

I feel i have failed myself because i sometimes have thoughts that make me second guess myself. Thoughts that make me question myself. Thoughts that have me wondering if i have chosen the right path.

Am i doing the right thing?
It is NOT a walk in the park. There may not be much physical effort or work involved, but psychologically, it is so hard.
I am not too far away from my family, but i am scared at who i am becoming. What i am turning into.
Will i still be the same Mum that i was at the start of the year? Will i still be the same wife? The same friend?

I just don’t know.

I thought being a carer wouldn’t be so bad, after all, i was looking after my Nan which is something i have done in the past. But this is much harder.
I am having to see her health deteriorate. I am having to help her dress when she can muster the strength to change into nightclothes, otherwise she just asks to sleep in the clothes she had been wearing that day. I am now having to help her when she goes to the toilet. Sometimes, it is like i am caring for a young child who has not yet mastered how to use the toilet. It is killing me seeing her this bad. But i know things can possibly get worse.
Her eyes seem to be sinking back into her eye sockets further and further each day. He body is now just skin and bones. She is continuing to lose weight. She is shrinking away to nothingness.

I feel hopeless. I do not know what i can do.

I can’t leave the house as i have to help her. I am her carer. I promised all her children, grandchildren and great grandchildren that i would care for her as long as i was needed. I feel that it is now that she needs me the most.
BUT it is now that things are getting scary as i feel i can’t help her anymore. My hands are tied. I am being held captive by her illness, although in a different way to how it is affecting her.

I wish i could take her pain away.
I wish i could take away the illness.
I wish i could make everything alright.

 

A decline in health.

Unfortunately my Nan’s health is worsening.
Last week, i could tell she was getting weaker, but she was still mentally strong.
I think now, she has had enough.

She is exhausted.
Mentally.
Physically.
Emotionally.
Completely and utterly exhausted.

I think her body may be ready to start shutting down. That’s if the process hasn’t already started.
She now finds it extremely tiring to walk more than about 5 metres at a time. Twice that distance has her almost collapsing, buckling at the knees.
She also gets exhausted if she has to concentrate for more than a few minutes at a time. Listening is exhausting for her, so is talking.
Things we take for granted are such a huge effort and exhausting for her now that she is so fragile and ill.

The illness has spread throughout her body.
It is in tissue, glands, organs and bone. It is sucking the life out of her.

Up until the past few days, i have been able to keep the pain away with medication, now that doesn’t seem to be working.
I will have to talk to the medical staff taking care of her and see where we can go from here.
I do not want her to be in pain if i can help it.
It is painful watching her in pain, knowing there is nothing more i can do.
It makes me feel i have failed her. I told her i would take care of her, but now i have to watch her face screw up as the pain takes over. I am helpless, i am unable to do the one thing i told her i would do for her- keep her comfortable.

It’s not fair.
Life isn’t fair at the moment.

She doesn’t deserve this.

Pain

Pain.

It’s different for everyone. What is off the scale for one person, may be nothing for the next.

I’ve been told i have a quite high pain tolerance.

For the past week my pain has steadily been getting worse.
I think my back pain has turned into sciatica, the pain is almost unbearable at times but i know i must go on as i am a carer now and i cannot give up.

It feels like someone is stabbing me and twisting a knife, other times it feels like a burning sensation is shooting down my legs. It is FAR from pleasant. I would not wish this upon anyone.

It messes with my mind. It stops me from being able to concentrate. It takes away any joy i might have left within my soul.

I am in pain when i sit. I am in pain when i stand. I am in pain when i walk. Jogging or running is completely out of the question- i accidentally did that a few days ago to keep up with one of my children and i was on the brink of collapsing and crying from the pain.

I wish there was a quick fix for issues like this.

No one deserves to live like this.

No one.

Alone in a crowded room

Every day people come and go in the house.

Carers, family, friends.

They all come to help or see my Nan and how she is going.
Some ask how I am, but the response is always the same “I’m fine thanks”.

This could not be further from the truth though.

I can’t recall the last time i felt this lonely. Maybe it was during my teenage years when the bullying was at it’s worst? When i always had people around but i never felt i could say anything without being told I’d brought this upon myself.
I did not then, as i do not want to now, bring attention to myself.

This time is my Nan’s time. She deserves to shine for as long as she can. I do not want to take the spotlight away from her.

Meanwhile i stand out of sight watching over her, watching over everyone. Standing in the wings silently weeping, silently wishing i could make things better, silently wishing i could give her everything she wants and everything she needs at this very moment.
Silently wishing i had the guts to speak up and say what i felt.

To say that some people should take a good hard look in the mirror as they are hurting Nan by thinking of themselves, by putting THEIR wants before hers. By suggesting options which make THEIR life easier even if it is the complete opposite of what she wants or needs.

But this won’t ever happen. Not out loud anyway. Not while Nan is living. I will continue to keep my thoughts to myself, i’ll continue to have a weight lift off my shoulders when you leave the house until next time.

I will continue to put my whole life, spirit and soul into taking care of Nan.

I truly want her to be able to do whatever she requests. I will do my best to be able to make it happen for her.
So far i feel i am doing the right thing for her.

She is my #1 priority.
I wish i could take the pain and illness away and die with it so she doesn’t have to.

Waiting for the unknown.

The days seem to drag on so slowly yet the days are flying by so very fast.
The past few weeks have gone by in no time at all.

So much yet so little has happened.

I am still running on autopilot, yet i am falling apart.
I stay strong for most of the day, yet at night i almost always fall to pieces and tears flow freely.

With everything that has been happening, and with how i was hoping to not have to visit a doctor for a long time, i bit the bullet and made an appointment with my Family Doctor.
I told her what’s been happening and she has kick started the process of keeping my health in check.

Then and there, she gave me a breast examination. Thankfully i am fine. For now.
I have to have check ups every two years, or sooner if i feel or notice a change.
I feel guilty though- knowing my breasts are healthy. Knowing my Nan is, and possibly my Mum could be, living day by day not knowing when there time is up.

My Mum has no clue how sick her mother is, she is in denial. Even with her own health. I spoke to her yesterday, telling her she should go and have a chat with her doctor and get checked out. Her response was “I’m not worried, it’ll go away soon and i’ll be back to normal.” She is also convinced that Nan is going to get better.
I can’t bring myself to tell her otherwise as i know she won’t be able to cope knowing the truth.

I am doing everything i can to look after my Nan as her health gets worse.
I try to help Mum, but it’s like talking to a brick wall. Nothing is going to happen.

I have to try to look after myself too but some days i just don’t feel like eating. Some days i can’t get to sleep at night as my mind is in overdrive thinking about every possible thing there is for me to think about.
Some days i wonder why i care so much. Why i care so much that i hope and pray that my loved ones can be healthy and it was me that was at the end of my life. I wish i could switch bodies, to be able to take their pain and worries away.

On top of all this, my back pain has come back with a vengeance. I don’t know if it is due to the stress of the past few weeks, if it is simply due to bad posture or something entirely different. I have even wondered if i have something more sinister going on within my body- within my bones and muscles?
I know reading up about cancer can have one wondering if their own aches and pains could be a cancer, but knowing that cancer has affected so many of my family members, i can’t help but wonder if it is eating me up too?
Is this why i have had back pains for so long? Could it be a cancer that the doctors have not considered?

I just don’t know what to think anymore.

I just wish i was capable of doing more than i currently do.

When the pain gets too much.

too strong too long

A post of few words.
The above image says it all.

I have had tears welling up in my eyes for the smallest little reasons lately.
I do honestly think it is because i am trying to be strong… stronger than i probably need to be.

I have been trying to shrug off physical and emotional pain and pretend none of it existed and that i was “fine”.
Well, i’m not fine and i feel i need some time and space to really find myself again.

I just don’t know how to go about it…