Unfit for work.

Those three little words can at times make even the strongest person feel worthless.

My lower back and nerve pain has now forced me to take 3 weeks off work.

I am thankful that I can walk around, the pain is still there but its bareable. I still have trouble bathing myself and dressing myself at times so I’m still heavily relying on my husband to help me.

I feel worthless as my brain tells me I have to do everything on my to do list, but my body won’t allow me to do much at all. It is really frustrating as in many people’s opinions : “you don’t look sick.” That has to be one of the most challenging things to hear without letting it get to me. It is hard to ignore.

I feel bad enough as it is, but when that comment is directed at me, I feel so much worse.

My lack of income is hurting me financially too. It sucks.

I hate my kids seeing me like this. I should be a role model for them, I shouldn’t need them to help care for me at their young ages.

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3:40am

It is 3:40am as I type this.
I am unable to sleep.

I am blaming the painkillers I am currently on for a back injury for my insomnia.

Last night I didn’t get to bed until 5am, just as the sun was starting to think about inching closer to the horizon before showing itself.

I hate being in pain. The drugs take the edge off it, but don’t make me better.

I am afraid I will end up addicted to my painkillers. I shouldn’t though as I am only on a low dose and only take them once or twice a day (I can take them 4 times a day if needed). I want to try and wean myself off them as I hate taking any type of medication.

My back has been troubling me for most of my adult life, but this latest injury happened about 2 weeks ago.
It isn’t much really- there are many people out there who are much worse off than what I am.

I simply have bulged discs and pinched nerves. I have other health issues that most likely do not help but it is something I have learnt to live with over the years.

Before I hurt my back I had a horrid flu/virus that had been doing the rounds of my community, my suburb, my city…

For the past month I guess, I haven’t eaten much compared to what I used to. Some days I might have 2 small meals, some days 1 meal, some days I may just graze on a few pieces of fruit over the course of a day.
In a way, I am happy as I am losing weight. I think I have lost well over 5kgs so far. I have been trying to lose weight and get fitter and healthier this year so in a way I guess this is a blessing in disguise, but I was wanting to do it in a healthy way. To reach my “ideal weight”, I still have to lose another 10-15kgs.

For the past fortnight I have pretty much been bedridden. I know being mobile is the best way to recover, but it just hurts so much if I have to stand or walk for more than half an hour, sometimes I can barely get around for a few minutes before I feel my spine compressing again and pinching back down on the nerves.
Sitting or laying in bed seems to give me the most relief, but even when I do that, I can get numbness, pain, tingling, pins and needles down my legs- usually my left leg. I truly hope o am not causing myself nerve damage, I don’t want to permanently damage my body more than what  has been done.

I’m not sure what can be done with me.
I have had the same back issue happen three years running now. It is seriously beyond a joke. I do not want to go through it again.
Last year it was so bad I ended up in hospital.
Earlier this year I felt my back getting a bit niggly so I had some sessions with a physiotherapist to nip it in the bud before it caused me trouble. I thought I’d got out of it but then it hit me and has had me on the sidelines for the past 2 weeks.

It is so frustrating.

Some days, laying in bed alone- with only the TV for company, my mind wanders off…
It would be so much easier for my family and friends if I wasn’t here. I feel like such a burden on everyone, needing my husband to help look after me like I am one of the children.
It really doesn’t make me feel very worthwhile.

I just want my body to be able to move and function normally.