No Control

Shaking.
Uncontrollable urges that don’t allow me to stand still.
I shake when i don’t want to.
Because of people who can’t control their anger.

I cry.
Tears of fear roll down my cheeks.
Those who made me cry show no remorse.
Heartless creatures with no soul whatsoever.

Anxiety grows.
I can’t function as i used to.
I constantly watch over my shoulder.
I fear the animal who has no intention of stopping the torment.

Depression sets in.
The threats, the anger, the heartlessness.
It’s all too much to handle, my body can’t take it.
My mind starts to thin violent thoughts of self-harm.

Death seems safer.
It seems like a better option than living.
It makes me feel like it’s the option to take the pain away.
There seems to be no other way t make things better.

I plead.
I plead for help.
I scream out for help but i have no voice.
No one can see my pain or hear me reaching out for the help i need.

It’s gone full circle.
My body trembles and shakes.
I am back to where i started, I’m shaking.
Those uncontrollable urges are back and i can’t stand still…

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DP: Fight the Power

When I fought the power it wasn’t against the government, or the police but it was against my Mum.
I actually stood up for myself and my children rather than cower in a corner and hope everything just goes away on it’s own.

Over the years I have done this a number of times now. I have stood my ground and tried the best I can to keep my children and myself safe from my Mum’s words and actions.
I’m not sure if she realises she snaps as much as she does, but it’s not nice being in the same area as her when she has one of her “episodes”.

My Nan (her Mum) and I both wish she would just go to the doctor and have a good chat and have a proper health check up, not just physical health but mental health too as that is where I believe a lot of her issues lie.

It takes a lot of guts for me to stand up to Mum and to tell her to stop what she’s doing or saying.
Having my kids has helped me be a stronger person. I feel that I have to defend my kids when I feel they are right or haven’t done anything wrong, regardless of what the other person thinks.

 

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