Solo. Alone. One. Singular.

I feel so alone at the moment.

I just want to feel loved.

I just want to feel wanted.

I just want a hug.

 

I don’t want to feel alone.
I want to be loved.
I want to be wanted.
I want to feel as though i fit in.

One is really such a lonely number. It’s almost like zero.
One has zero friends, has zero family, has zero everything. Has nothing.
One is almost as bad as being a nothing or a nobody… sometimes it feels worse.

What a day!

It’s been a day i’d rather forget. A day i would rather just wipe out of my life. Just fall asleep and start fresh tomorrow… or relive today in a totally different way.

My eldest child (a moody teen) let all her frustrations out on me today… only verbally, but i think those words she hurled at me caused more pain than if she had’ve done anything else instead.

She got me to the point where i was having suicidal thoughts. The words hurt that bad.
It was like my own teenage years had returned, the days of when i was constantly being bullied, taunted, tormented, teased, put down…..
Except this time, my biggest bully was my own daughter.
My own flesh and blood.

I wish i knew what i had done wrong to cause her to lash out like she did… it’s not the first time though, she often treats me like this. She says i don’t deserve any respect from her. I know i DO deserve respect, but a small part of me believes her as i know i haven’t been the best Mum, especially in the first couple of years of her life. I could have done more back then, but i was young, naive, and still learning how to be a parent myself.

I have spent a lot of the day not really able to complete anything that i wanted to. Nor have i really been able to continue on with the things i wanted to get done. I have simply hidden in the bedroom all day. It’s usually where i feel safe, but not today. Even when my younger three came in to spend time with me, i still didn’t feel safe.
My eldest came to the bedroom a few times (she was cleaning her bedroom today which was a miracle in itself so i didn’t want to say anything bad to her) just to curse at me, just to tell me what a horrid person i was, to tell me how worthless i was.

For someone who has such a low self esteem, it doesn’t take much for me to withdraw and feel so much less wanted than the most worthless thing you could ever imagine.

I have started doing crafts to try and find some enjoyment in life again, i am enjoying it when i put my mind to it and it seems others like what i do too as i have orders to make items for other people and they want to pay me for it. That has to be a HUGE compliment when someone likes what you do enough to want to pay you to make things for them too.

But then, like today, shit hits the fan and it feels like my whole world is collapsing around me, it feels like i am being sucked into a deep dark chasm, unable to get out, unable to breathe, unable to fight back. When life just gets too complicated, too hard.

It would just be easier to simply give up. Let the bullies win. I am sure that would then allow everything to return to some type of normality- if i wasn’t around to cause all this trouble and commotion.

I am incredibly sad… yet i have no tears left to cry. I’m all cried out, but oh so empty within.

I need to find myself. I need to find… to realise that i do still belong. That i belong somewhere. That i do have a place on this earth, that i am still wanted and needed.

I just don’t know how to find that out.

Nobody can hear my cries for help.

Twists and Turns

This evening i received a phone call from my Mum.

She was quite flustered, she asked me where her paperwork for her pre-paid funeral was.
I honestly do not have a clue as she went to do that with her Mum and brother some time last year.
All i could suggest was that she look in my late grandparent’s bedroom in the chest of drawers or cupboard as that is where i was told most of the important paperwork was kept. The only other things i can think of would be that she put it in a safe place in her bedroom or that her brother picked up her paperwork when he gathered his Mum’s paperwork to organise the funeral last year.

There was also a bit of general small talk between us, but on a number of occasions she kept saying how she has changed so much over the past 9 months and that i don’t know the real her and probably will never know the real her now.
Somehow, we ended up speaking for about 20minutes. If i had’ve known the phone call would have left me feeling so deflated and my anxiety levels rising at an ever increasing rate, i would have said i was unable to help and made the call as brief as possible, but i guess there was that little girl inside of me who was hoping to have a nice civil chat with her Mum which is why i stayed on the phone, mostly listening to everything she had to say to me (and in many cases, about me).

I am trying to get over the threats and other negative comments and gossip that her side of the family have been spreading about me over the past 10 months or so. I am trying to get on with my life, but it feels like when i am just about on top of everything and moving forwards with my life, something happens and she appears again and relays information or gossip that i really didn’t need to hear.
It is such a kick in the guts. It makes me feel so bad about myself again.

Just when things start looking bright for me, someone looms over like a dark threatening stormcloud; looking to ruin what would have been an otherwise beautiful day.

I just want to get on with my life. A couple of cruel individuals thought it would be a great joke to spread lies about me, to threaten me and my family, to make me feel unsafe when out in public and to turn all those who i had loved and called my family for all my life against me.
I can’t fathom why they would continue to do such a thing. They have taken so much from me, yet it feels like they seem to think it still isn’t enough.

When will the torment stop?
I can only hope i will continue to fight off the voices in my head and wake up every morning and try my hardest to find someone or something to live for.

Overthinking

I was just briefly chatting to a friend on a social media site and she mentioned how crazy it is that we often bump into each other online at some crazy hour of the night/morning… like now.

I do agree with her. Why do we often find it so hard to relax our minds and bodies of an evening, why is it so hard to get ready for a restful night’s sleep? Why does it seem hard to allow our bodies the time it needs to recharge and get ready for the following day?

I jokingly said to her i believe that i am most creative at this hour, she thought a similar thing adding that we must also stay awake due to the snoring coming from the rest of the household sleeping.

And yes, I am typing this while i sit on the bed, my husband laying down next to me, snoring- quite loudly at times… and also passing wind much louder and more projected than what he seems capable of when he is awake.

That’s not the only reason why i am awake though, i feel the biggest cause of my insomnia is due to so many things going through my mind. Some of the things i can pinpoint but most of them i can’t. I am sure it’s something in my subconscious mind that i must try to block out most of the time, but once i relax enough and start to feel creative… that’s when those locked away thoughts come flooding back to the forefront of my mind and interrupt my train of thought, stall my ability to get tired enough to fall asleep or influence my mind so much that i trigger myself and end up having an anxiety attack.
It really is not a good feeling, not being able to  control my own thoughts. It often makes me feel child-like again, child-like in a bad way. It makes me feel useless and unwanted plus that main thing i have noticed is that these bad thoughts seem to be magnetic- they attract other people to take out their frustrations on me. Other people seem to put me down or blame me for things i have no control over when i am feeling bad about myself.

I need to learn how to live in the moment more. I need to learn to stop over thinking.

But how does one NOT overthink?

Blergh

Do you ever have days where you want to do so much, but when it comes to the crunch, you get absolutely stuff all done!?

That’s me now.

I WANT to get shit done, but when i try to start anything, something seems to happen that makes my plans go out the window.

Then i just tend to give up. Not only on the task i was trying to get done… but on everything.

Then i eat junk food- usually consisting of a family/share pack of chips and/or a family sized block of chocolate or bag of lollies. Then i feel REALLY guilty.

My mind just does not want to work, my body feels “blergh” and my outlook on life isn’t something i am proud of.

I wish i had a way to turn these feelings around.

Change can be scary

The past couple of weeks have been crazy and somewhat scary.

Things haven’t changed too much in what i have been used to doing, but the reasons i am doing what i am have changed.

2 weeks ago i began a paid Casual job. This is the first paid job i have had since 2002.
It isn’t too different to what i have been doing as a volunteer for the past two years, there are a few extra tasks involved, but nothing too scary.
Now i get to handle money more, take EFTPOS payments, be more involved in allergy alert and Gluten Free food orders.

I guess the scary thing is more those tasks which have to be learnt and remembered and then be able to be done automatically without much thought going into them. Things such as delivering staff lunches to the correct staff rooms.
There are close to 10 staff rooms and knowing which lunches have to be delivered to each room is daunting to someone who isn’t aware of the workplace layout/staffroom locations. It got so bad today when i was asked to deliver the lunches on my own that i actually had an anxiety attack. I felt so ashamed. I felt inadequate. I wished the world would just open up and make me disappear. But it didn’t. What did happen? I let it get to me and let it upset me. I tried not to, but i cried. I couldn’t keep the tears away. This made me feel even worse.
Thankfully my boss is understanding and pulled me aside for a quiet chat. I told her of my worries and she said i should not have been told to take the lunches on my own this early in, how i should have had at least a week or two experience, shadowing another staff member and getting used to what i should deliver and where.

On top of that, it didn’t help that i had so much more going on in my mind.
Stress, money issues, random negative thoughts… It all snowballed and made things seem so much worse than what they were.

I have also been sick for the past month or so. It turns out i have tonsillitis. Thankfully i was recently able to see my regular doctor who gave me stronger medicine and did some tests which i am hoping will let us know what exactly is wrong with me and if it is something bad, or if my body is just run down and weak at the moment and not able to fight off simple viruses and infections.

I just feel like going for a day trip… getting back to nature. My body and soul is craving that. Going somewhere to just watch the water, watch the wind blow the leaves about in a forest, to water water ripple and ants marching in a line.
I just need time to recharge again.

I feel that my batteries are depleted. They are completely flat and no matter what i do, it just isn’t enough to give it my all each day. I am not running at the best of my ability. I am struggling.

There you go, i said it. I’m struggling. I am finding it hard to cope. Hard to cope with work. Hard to cope with life. Hard to cope with the thoughts racing through my mind- most of those thoughts which are by no means helpful to me or those who i influence.

If you are reading this and realise you or someone you know is in a similar position. Please, please stop and take some time for yourself. Take time to regenerate your soul. If you are unable to to work to the best of your ability, to be the best you know you can be, it WILL come through in your work, in your art, it will show through in your actions, your words and those who know you, will wonder what is wrong.
Do not be too proud to admit you need time out, to admit you need time to recharge.

You are worth it.

More lows than highs

It has been two months since i last wrote.

So much yet so little has happened.

My mind is constantly in overdrive with a million thoughts an hour racing through my mind.
I wish i could get them into this blog, but i have been feeling so shit lately that i can’t be bothered writing as i feel that no one would be interested reading about my thoughts…
I feel that i am not worth it anymore.

It is my fault i feel this way.
Sometimes i make unnecessary comments. I made a comment on a friend’s status recently…at the moment i wrote it, i thought it was funny, a bit tongue in cheek… but today i noticed one of her friends had commented on my comment pointing out grammar mistakes that i had not picked up on.

Having so many thoughts about the harsh words and negative comments my mum used to say to me on a daily basis, this was pretty much the straw that broke the camel’s back.
I wanted to reply to try and stand up for myself, but i realised the other person (who i did not even know) was most likely right and all those things my Mum used to say to me MUST HAVE BEEN RIGHT.

I doubt the person who made that comment will ever know they drove me to have bad thoughts again today… thoughts that i have not had for a number of weeks. But that trigger… it’ll be at the front of my mind for quite some time now as i was raised to concentrate on the bad things i do… not always the good.

I have been trying hard to get myself in a better headspace since Nan passed away, but there always seems to be a trigger which sends me backwards ten-fold.

I truly hope there are NO other humans or animals in this galaxy who get the same thoughts i do as it can be genuinely crippling to what could have been an otherwise positive day.
I am guessing though that in reality, there ARE people travelling a similar road to me, but we each have our own issues and demons we are trying to fight off on a daily basis.

I just want you all to know that you are not alone.
I wish i could take your pain away- you don’t deserve to be unhappy.
I am willing to be unhappy for you all.

When you just can’t find the words…

I think the reality of Nan’s passing is starting to really sink in now.

I still reach out for a paper or some groceries to buy for her when i am out, then i have to stop and remind myself that it is no longer needed as she is no longer here.

I still think about picking up my phone to ring her and tell her about something that made me happy or proud but then realise she can’t be reached that way.

I am still quite numb, still very sad, although i don’t know if sad is the right word… I am relieved that she is now out of pain, but i guess it is still raw at times. There are so many “If only” situations. It is too late now. I can’t get her back.
I want to blame those relatives who have turned my entire family against me.
Almost 8 weeks have past and i now feel more lonely than what i have in years… I can’t ever remember feeling this lonely, this empty, this vulnerable.

My Mum does not contact me and if i ring her, she barely says a word then makes an excuse that she can’t talk and has to go and do something.

The family members who said they would keep in contact haven’t contacted me in weeks, over a month for most of them.
It hurts to not feel wanted by your own blood family.

I feel that life is really testing me at the moment. I don’t know what for, but i hope that if i make it through these tests, that there is something good for my family and i at the other end of this. I don’t know how much longer i can continue on like this though, some days i really wish i could just disappear, just vanish into thin air, to just cease existing.

I know it is selfish of me though to think like that. I am told i should think towards the future more, stop moping around and such.

I personally don’t feel i am moping around, but i do feel that i am numb a lot of the time. It’s not sadness as such, i don’t sleep all day or cry uncontrollably, i just find it hard to think straight and function properly at times.

I plan so much in my head. Little things i could do to make myself happier, things i can do to feel better, even if it’s just for an hour or so. Things i would love to do.
But those things seldom become reality. They only seem to stay as thoughts and dreams inside my head.

I just wish there was a word to describe how i am feeling as it is sort of a mash of what i have just said, yet it isn’t any of those things… It is so hard to try and accurately explain.
If i can’t describe or explain it to myself, what hope do i have of telling someone else?

But is it running away???

For quite a while now, I have had this dream in my head of packing a bag and going away for a short holiday… maybe a week or two at the longest.
That doesn’t sound out of the ordinary, does it?

Here’s the catch- I want to do it ALONE. Leave hubby and the kids at home and just escape.
Me.
Myself.
I.
No one else.
I feel that I have so much crap stuck in my head, that if I’m not able to find a way to get it all out, I’m going to do something stupid, I’m going to snap, do something that I will regret for a long time.
I don’t want that to happen.

No one has directly told me that is a selfish idea, but I can read between the lines. I’m sure it’s what they’re hinting at without actually saying it.
Going away by myself does seem selfish I guess.
Spending all that money on fuel, accommodation, food, experiences, and whatever else happens during that time.
With nothing much to show for it. Maybe a few souvenirs, some photos… possibly even a tan? But that’s about it.
The memories would be mine, and mine alone.

I’d have no one else to talk to about the time this or that happened as they wouldn’t be there to share it with me. They’d have to believe what I tell them.

But the more I think about it, the more I am drawn to the idea of a solo holiday.
I wouldn’t have to worry about answering to anyone. I wouldn’t have to worry about where the kids were or what they were doing at the time.
I would be able to do as much or as little as I felt like doing. I could eat when I felt like it- not when I was told it was time to eat.
If I felt like going for an early morning walk (or even a jog)- I could. If I wanted to stay up all night, I wouldn’t have to feel ashamed or like I was letting others down by doing so.

I think travelling alone with no real set itinerary would be better than any medicinal interference/assistance.
It would allow me to rid my body of all the stress that has been building up for the past year or so.

We live in a highly technological world. With a smartphone, laptop and mobile internet- I’m never far away from anyone.

My body is screaming out to replenish itself, it needs to recharge, it needs time to heal, it needs time to just exist without having to think too much.

The chest pains are what concerns me the most.
I have had several tests done recently and my body is medically fit, stronger than some others even (which was surprising to me).
I was told the pains I get is most likely caused by stress.
I believe that- I really do. I often find myself stressing over silly little things here at home. Things that I am told I’m being stupid for worrying about.

I very rarely get sick, but when I do, it really hits hard.

I found out the hard way last week.
I woke up in the morning and spend the next couple of hours racing to the loo many many times. I had horrid cramps that went with it. I felt like I wanted to die.
When I wasn’t in the toilet, I was in bed trying to sleep. I don’t actually remember a lot from that day as my hubby said I was “passed out” for much of the day.
Maybe it was my body’s way of saying “Stop, slow down a bit”, or maybe I just had some type of 24 hour bug.
I don’t know. I have been trying to convince myself that I just had a bad tummy bug, but I think it may have been my body trying to tell me to slow down a bit.

I just don’t know what to do.
I want to go away, but I can’t help but think it’s the only child within talking to me- not the wife and mum who has 5 people to look after. I feel that I should stay here- it’s my job, isn’t that why I am a Mum and wife? To look after the kids and hubby?
My aching heart is telling me that I should go away. I feel it is telling me that although I feel like others are looking at me as though I am a selfish cow at the moment, they will realise that I am only doing it so I can “reset my body clock”, and know that when I get home I will be a new woman. I will be refreshed, my soul will be renewed and ready to deal with whatever is thrown in my direction.

I want to do what is right for me and my health (mental, physical…) but I am scared of being constantly labelled as a selfish so and so if I try to do anything for myself.

My hubby has been great lately- he’s kept the kids at home while¬†I have gone to the shops to run errands or do some shopping, but I don’t class that as having “me time” I’ve got a list of things to do and I know I have to do it as quick as I can so I can get back home to everyone.

I stupid like sold the double prams so I can’t even take both my youngest children for a walk in the pram anymore. I’m a fast walker. I don’t expect either of my youngest to have to run alongside me while I go out walking. I’m not completely heartless. Since I have sold the prams- I haven’t done much exercise at all. I feel bad for it. I feel guilty for not looking after my health, but not as guilty as when I go out walking on my own… When I do that, I feel I am neglecting them.

I just don’t know what to think anymore.
I have so much going on in my head and I can’t seem to find anyone who understands what I am feeling.

My self esteem is plummeting into depths I haven’t experienced for a long time, my happiness long disappeared.

I just don’t know who I am anymore.
I am lost.
I am nobody.