Daily Prompt: Taper

I hoped and prayed that the vicious nature of her once beautiful soul would taper off and reveal the person she once was.

I hold a glimmer of hope that there is still a flickering light of love somewhere in the depths of her soul.
A glimmer of hope that she will one day realise that her current ways are detrimental to not only her own health and well being but to others too.

It scares me to think what she could possibly do if she was to ever go through with her threats. That is what scares me the most.

My once courageous feelings of knowing that i WAS capable of almost anything have, over the years, tapered right off as her behaviour worsened.
I know parenting is a never-ending series of lessons about life, but this is getting a bit much at times.

I hope that one day, all this negative energy and outrage will taper off so much so that is is a far off memory that we can all put behind us.

 

via Daily Prompt: Taper

Twists and Turns

This evening i received a phone call from my Mum.

She was quite flustered, she asked me where her paperwork for her pre-paid funeral was.
I honestly do not have a clue as she went to do that with her Mum and brother some time last year.
All i could suggest was that she look in my late grandparent’s bedroom in the chest of drawers or cupboard as that is where i was told most of the important paperwork was kept. The only other things i can think of would be that she put it in a safe place in her bedroom or that her brother picked up her paperwork when he gathered his Mum’s paperwork to organise the funeral last year.

There was also a bit of general small talk between us, but on a number of occasions she kept saying how she has changed so much over the past 9 months and that i don’t know the real her and probably will never know the real her now.
Somehow, we ended up speaking for about 20minutes. If i had’ve known the phone call would have left me feeling so deflated and my anxiety levels rising at an ever increasing rate, i would have said i was unable to help and made the call as brief as possible, but i guess there was that little girl inside of me who was hoping to have a nice civil chat with her Mum which is why i stayed on the phone, mostly listening to everything she had to say to me (and in many cases, about me).

I am trying to get over the threats and other negative comments and gossip that her side of the family have been spreading about me over the past 10 months or so. I am trying to get on with my life, but it feels like when i am just about on top of everything and moving forwards with my life, something happens and she appears again and relays information or gossip that i really didn’t need to hear.
It is such a kick in the guts. It makes me feel so bad about myself again.

Just when things start looking bright for me, someone looms over like a dark threatening stormcloud; looking to ruin what would have been an otherwise beautiful day.

I just want to get on with my life. A couple of cruel individuals thought it would be a great joke to spread lies about me, to threaten me and my family, to make me feel unsafe when out in public and to turn all those who i had loved and called my family for all my life against me.
I can’t fathom why they would continue to do such a thing. They have taken so much from me, yet it feels like they seem to think it still isn’t enough.

When will the torment stop?
I can only hope i will continue to fight off the voices in my head and wake up every morning and try my hardest to find someone or something to live for.

Overthinking

I was just briefly chatting to a friend on a social media site and she mentioned how crazy it is that we often bump into each other online at some crazy hour of the night/morning… like now.

I do agree with her. Why do we often find it so hard to relax our minds and bodies of an evening, why is it so hard to get ready for a restful night’s sleep? Why does it seem hard to allow our bodies the time it needs to recharge and get ready for the following day?

I jokingly said to her i believe that i am most creative at this hour, she thought a similar thing adding that we must also stay awake due to the snoring coming from the rest of the household sleeping.

And yes, I am typing this while i sit on the bed, my husband laying down next to me, snoring- quite loudly at times… and also passing wind much louder and more projected than what he seems capable of when he is awake.

That’s not the only reason why i am awake though, i feel the biggest cause of my insomnia is due to so many things going through my mind. Some of the things i can pinpoint but most of them i can’t. I am sure it’s something in my subconscious mind that i must try to block out most of the time, but once i relax enough and start to feel creative… that’s when those locked away thoughts come flooding back to the forefront of my mind and interrupt my train of thought, stall my ability to get tired enough to fall asleep or influence my mind so much that i trigger myself and end up having an anxiety attack.
It really is not a good feeling, not being able to  control my own thoughts. It often makes me feel child-like again, child-like in a bad way. It makes me feel useless and unwanted plus that main thing i have noticed is that these bad thoughts seem to be magnetic- they attract other people to take out their frustrations on me. Other people seem to put me down or blame me for things i have no control over when i am feeling bad about myself.

I need to learn how to live in the moment more. I need to learn to stop over thinking.

But how does one NOT overthink?

Roller Coasters and Tumble turns.

Oh boy oh boy oh boy what a past few days and weeks it has been.

I have been doing a lot of research on my biological father and have been in contact with a man who i believe to be my biological father’s brother. All the information i have fits exactly with this man i have been talking to and the information he has been sharing with me.
I am still being very careful though but i just have a gut feeling that i am on the right track. It will be interesting to see where things lead and if my Dad does want to eventually want to talk to or meet me in the future.
It’s still early days yet though, so i’m not going to count my chickens before they hatch.

 

On the flip side… i was talking to another family member yesterday and they told me my Mum mentioned that she and another sibling had been molested in their youth.
This was a HUGE shock to me. Mum wouldn’t say WHO it was that hurt her, but did say the same person hurt both her and her sibling.
I can’t believe that this would’ve happened to my Mum… why would someone feel the need to take advantage of someone like her?
I wish i knew who it was.
I have so many thoughts running through my mind, going through all the people who have been a part of my family’s lives for a long time, wondering if it was any of those people but i just don’t know.

I wish Mum trusted me enough to tell me about this herself. I would help her take things further so she could have some closure from the abuse she had to put up with.
She has every right to go to the police and report the abuse but i think she has been told to “forget about it and just get on with her life”.

That is so very wrong to say that and knowing she was told that makes me even more angrier and determined for her to be able to report the crime and bring the criminal to pay for what he did.

 

One thing which does quite concern me is ME.
I know i was conceived “by accident”… since finding out this latest piece of information, i can’t help but wonder if i was the result of her being molested or if the man i have been told is my Dad, is still actually my Dad?
Surely i wouldn’t be told a man was my Dad if he wasn’t by people who had no need to say such a lie?

Life goes on…

So, it seems that although the reality of my Nan’s death and the grief is now hitting me like a truck at random times and knocking me for six, i still seem to be able to pull myself together and get on with life.

I now know i am not running on auto-pilot. I feel a very strong need to get away for a while. I don’t know, it could be a number of hours, or a week or more. I just don’t know. All i know is that i need to be on my own for a little while and be with someone who loves me too. Just so i can hug them and have someone to “just exist” with me. Someone to watch the clouds with me, or the stars…

I just need to get back to nature…..

300 words

Wanting to write is one thing but when your fingers and brain aren’t working together things can get messy…

This is usually when random thoughts start to appear, being typed out in a semi-conscious manner, most of the time no errors are made, but then again, because you’re only half with it, you really aren’t concentrating on which keys your fingers are tapping.

Imagine if the world was reversed…

imagine if our feet were rooted in the ground, leaving us unable to move, unable to go from one place to another unless a small part of us is blown away in the wind.
Imagine if trees could get up and walk around. What would they do? Where would they go?
Would their roots be a tripping hazard?

Imagine if our dreams became reality…

Those nightmares you had as a child would come alive and search for you… not giving up until they found you.
Those dreams of being chased, of falling, of having creepy crawly insects, bugs and beetles crawling out of your mouth, out of your ears and nostrils, trying to dig and tunnel into your eyeballs.

Imagine if all those things you imagined you saw or did were real after all. Would you be happy or disgusted with yourself? Would you be fleeing for your life, hiding from someone or something?

Imagine if you were able to fulfil your wildest dreams. Would that make you happy? Would it scare you to death? Would you ever want your wildest dreams to come true or are you happy with them just being dreams, something you can think about and act out in your mind knowing those innermost thoughts are safe and won’t ever get out.

What if you could read other peoples minds?
What if they could read your mind?

Ten minutes of randomness

Writing for exactly ten minutes sounds very easy, doesn’t it?

The thing that one has to think about though, is WHAT to write about. The topic needs to be interesting enough to keep the reader interested, yet not too deep as the writer will get drawn into the moment and end up writing well beyond the ten minute allowed time frame.

I was watching a cooking show tonight on TV with my young daughter and we watched pancakes being made with yoghurt as one of the main ingredients. I’ve never heard of a yoghurt based pikelet before, but it looked very tasty so I am sure that it will be tried and tested as school holidays are just around the corner (which in turn means the kids will all of a sudden be saying “Mum, I’m bored” most of the day/night).

Logging onto Facebook the first thing to pop up in my newsfeed was a quiz that a friend of mine had done. It was about riddles. I thought I’d have a go myself and although there wasn’t a definite result at the end of it, I think I got 100%. I have always enjoyed riddles, both those that have been passed down through generations as well as those found in joke books and told by friends in primary school.

It’s after midnight as I write this and I have the TV on as background noise more than anything. I couldn’t help but look up as I just saw an advertisement for Barbie dolls. What business does Mattel have putting Barbie ads on at this hour? Shouldn’t they be aired at a more child-friendly hour? Something like 4-8pm maybe??

Well, time does fly as the saying goes and this task was for me to write for ten minutes… not a minute more… nor a minute less.
I’m not sure if I’m typing much slower or faster than I usually do, but I have surprised myself…

That was ten minutes…

Writing 101, Day 19: Free writing.

Free writing.
But IS it free? What part is free? Is it free because it doesn’t cost any money? Is it free because I am not restricted to writing about anything in particular?
In a way I guess this isn’t really free writing after all because we have been asked to write about 400 words. Possibly even more if we’re on a roll.

You know what? I just thought of something… What if I had’ve been a smart arse about this assignment and done something like this:
one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten…
Yeah, it would have been funny writing numbers, but it would have got very boring… plus where would I stop? Or would I stop at all?

The question is though- what DO I write about?
It’s no real use talking about the current weather here as it’s the middle of the night. Well, I’m not sure if it’s the actual middle of the night, but it is late. It’s currently 1:40am. I should have been asleep at least a couple of hours ago but here I am, still sitting up in bed typing away on the computer writing blog entries.

I never used to be a night owl. I liked staying up late sometimes, but I used to much prefer getting up early in the mornings, you know- around 6:30am or so.
That was before I had kids though. I’d get up at that hour and feed my pets, listen to music, write to my pen pals… even go to school or work, depending on what year you want to talk about.

Now though, things have changed.
Sometimes I don’t even know who I am anymore. Am I an early bird? A night owl? Am I even worthy of having the title of being a Mother?
I know I am a Mum, I’m a wife too- but just because I am a Wife and a Mum, it doesn’t mean I am a good one.
I do the best I can, but more often than not I feel that I am constantly being judged. I feel that no matter what I do, it is never good enough for anyone.

Some days I find it hard to function. I just feel I’m not up to doing anything. It’s those days when I get told that I don’t pull my weight, that people are disappointed in me because I “hibernate in the bloody room all day”. Some days I simply just don’t have the energy. I hate making excuses for myself, but it’s hard to explain an invisible illness to someone who has never experienced it.
It’s hard to explain to someone that I can feel fine at times, some days I will feel unbeatable and I will want to do a day’s hard labour, I feel up to spending the whole day cleaning, gardening, exercising, looking after the kids and more… but then there are other days when I don’t even want to open my eyes.
I’ve spoken to my Family Doctor and Psychologist about it. My levels of energy are related to some of my health issues (bad back, depression, my circumstances to name a few) but I hate using those things as “excuses”, but I don’t know how to explain how my energy levels can be so drastically different from day to day.

I honestly feel that living in the city (yes, I know I technically live in the suburbs- but I’m talking general city/country here) is what makes me feel like shit, but I doubt I’ll ever be able to live somewhere that is beneficial to my health. I feel that country lifestyles are so much healthier. Less smog/pollution, a lot of homes are on larger blocks which means there’s room to grow your own food, have pets, somewhere for the kids to play, etc.
I have expressed my desire for a tree- or sea-change to my hubby on many occasions, but it basically comes down to money- what we simply don’t have enough of. I’m not sure we ever will have enough. That’s pretty scary to think about but I think it’s a reality I have to come to terms with.
I feel like a pathetic example of a Mum- I have a hubby, 4 kids and no money to put a roof over their heads. Because of that, we’ve got no choice but to live with the in-laws.
It’s not fair on them (in-laws)- they have pretty much retired and should be able to enjoy their life and do as little or as much as they want but they are stuck with a full house.
It’s not really fair on the kids either as I believe they should be able to experience what it is like to truly be a child. Living in an extended family/multi-generational household is a lot different to living in an immediate family (Parents & kids) set-up.

Am I being selfish? That is something I constantly ask myself.
Am I restricting our little family? Myself? The kids? Hubby?
I don’t want anyone to resent me for not letting them have the life they wanted. I don’t want to carry that burden.
But when I find myself constantly trying to please others- I find that I am stopping myself from enjoy life. It is as though I HAVE to deny myself pleasure and enjoyment so that others can hopefully have the life they want.

I just don’t know what to think sometimes. It is also a reason why I don’t talk as much as I don’t want to come across as self-centred and greedy. Whenever I tend to open my mouth and say something, I feel that I always upset someone. That’s not the reason why I open my mouth to speak, but when I do, it makes me feel extremely worried about upsetting others. And if I feel I may have possibly upset someone, I get all stressed out, worried and anxious and nervous and upset myself, usually for no reason (if I believe what others say to me).

I just want to be happy. Is that too much to ask?

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/dp_assignment/writing-101-day-nineteen/

A list of completely random sentences.

Reading this week’s Weekly Writing Challenge (http://dailypost.wordpress.com/dp_writing_challenge/list-lesson/)┬ámade me want to write a list of completely random sentences. I thought it might be a bit of fun and hope you enjoy reading it.

1. The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog.

2. My Mum tries to be cool by saying that she likes all the same things that I do.

3. If the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy had babies would they take your teeth and leave chocolate for you?

4. A purple pig and a green donkey flew a kite in the middle of the night and ended up sunburnt.

5. What was the person thinking when they discovered cow’s milk was fine for human consumption… and why did they do it in the first place!?

6. Last Friday in three week’s time I saw a spotted striped blue worm shake hands with a legless lizard.

7. Wednesday is hump day, but has anyone asked the camel if he’s happy about it?

8. If Purple People Eaters are real… where do they find purple people to eat?

9. A song can make or ruin a person’s day if they let it get to them.

10. Sometimes it is better to just walk away from things and go back to them later when you’re in a better frame of mind.

11. Writing a list of random sentences is harder than I initially thought it would be.

12. Where do random thoughts come from?

13. Lets all be unique together until we realise we are all the same.

14. I will never be this young again. Ever. Oh damn… I just got older.

15. If I don’t like something, I’ll stay away from it.

16. I love eating toasted cheese and tuna sandwiches.

17. If you like tuna and tomato sauce- try combining the two. It’s really not as bad as it sounds.

18. Someone I know recently combined Maple Syrup & buttered Popcorn thinking it would taste like caramel popcorn. It didn’t and they don’t recommend anyone else do it either.

19. Sometimes, all you need to do is completely make an ass of yourself and laugh it off to realise that life isn’t so bad after all.

20. When I was little I had a car door slammed shut on my hand. I still remember it quite vividly.

21. The clock within this blog and the clock on my laptop are 1 hour different from each other.

22. I want to buy a onesie… but know it won’t suit me.

23. I was very proud of my nickname throughout high school but today- I couldn’t be any different to what my nickname was.

24. I currently have 4 windows open up… and I don’t know why.

25. I often see the time 11:11 or 12:34 on clocks.

26. This is the last random sentence I will be writing and I am going to stop mid-sent