Life gets trickier as you get older.

The older i get, the less i am enjoying life.

It has even got to the point where some days i really truly wished i didn’t exist.
It is like no matter what i do or say… or DON’T do or say, is never good enough for anybody.

I have a low enough self esteem as it is and am trying to deal with everything else going on in my life- most of which i don’t really understand to start with.
Having to feel unwanted and such an inconvenience to the world almost every day is really upsetting, but i hate showing that i am upset so i try to mask it which can be overwhelmingly exhausting at times.

Why can’t people just respect others and realise that we are all unique, we are all different, we all have own struggles and daily battles. What one person finds easy and no trouble- may be next to impossible for someone else and cause them so much stress and anxiety that they may just take their own life because of how it makes them feel?

Before you say or do something… just think for a second and ask yourself if it will have a negative impact on someone around you.

Don’t be the reason someone takes their life today.

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Exhausted.

Today i saw my psychologist and we had a good chat about my recent health issues, family, friends, life in general, work and a few dark shadows of my past kept rising to the surface during our chat.

We spoke of life, death, caring for loved ones, suicidal thoughts, past interests & hobbies… many were things that i have not openly spoken about in quite a long while.
In a way it felt good to talk about things again… but it was an emotional roller coaster.

I didn’t realise that my teen years still played such a huge part in my life.

She picked up on it long before i did during our chat. I am glad she did. She knows that my mind may put ideas and thoughts into my head but i am smart enough to not let those bad thoughts take over my life and completely rule what i do.
That is something i am very thankful of, as if i played out some of the things that go on in my mind… i would either be in all sorts of trouble….. or dead.

Tonight i am completely and utterly exhausted. More than i have been in a long while.

I’m not sure if the exhaustion is due to old memories that resurfaced today, or if it was because this was the first time i had worked in about 6 weeks, or because i have just been so busy today- i have been on the go for close to 17 hours almost non-stop.

Now, it is time for bed and sleep.

I hope to get a good sleep. I don’t have to worry about an alarm tomorrow as i don’t have to work.

Good night everybody.

 

Dark thoughts

My mind races at a million miles an hour.

So many thoughts race through my mind, so many negative thoughts and ideas. It haunts me to think that deep inside myself, i am so cold, so negative, such a horrid person.

I don’t want to believe that i am pure evil, i don’t want to think that it is who i am.

Everyone has bad thoughts from time to time, but surely it doesn’t make them a black souled individual for eternity?

Does it?

The true meaning of “I’m good, and you?”

That feeling when you’re on the phone to a friend and they ask how you are and you reply with “Doing as well as i can i guess” when you really just want to say:
“I feel like absolute shit. I feel like the world would be so much better off without me. No matter what i do, it’s never good enough. Regardless of if i do nothing or a lot, it’ll still never be good enough. I feel like i am an enormous burden on everybody. I just wish i knew what the fuck was wrong with me. Like, i sort of have a clue, but it doesn’t answer ALL my questions. I just want to feel healthy, to feel well and not be in pain and to not feel so drained and lacking energy every day. My kids rarely listen to me or do as i ask them to, other people seem to enjoy telling the kids to do the opposite to what i ask of them. It is just so mentally and physically draining. I just want to run away from life for a while. I have lost who i am. I don’t know who i am anymore.
I often wish i didn’t exist. It would make things so much easier for not only me, but everybody else in my life as they could get on with their shit without me holding them back.”

 

The Mirror

Sometimes we need a mirror to really see what we have transformed into, to see how far we have come over a matter of days, weeks, months or even years.

Yesterday a cashier i often see complimented me on how much weight i have lost and how well she feels i am doing on my weight loss journey.
The truth is though that as much as i have been thinking about trying to lose weight, i haven’t actually been actively trying lately. I have noticed that my belt is now easily doing up one hole smaller than usual so i guess that’s a good sign to show my body is changing shape, but the scales can’t be trusted as i have actually put on a bit of weight since i last weighed myself.

The jeans i am wearing today used to be a snug fit, they are now slightly baggy. Some of my tops are now looser than they used to be too.

Until yesterday though i hadn’t noticed anything myself. I hadn’t noticed the size of my waist shrinking, or how my jeans seemed to be getting looser.

It took someone else to point it out to me and i had to trust that they were telling the truth. I thought about what they had said for quite a while and realised that yes, they were correct- i must be losing some weight or something as my clothes are not fitting differently.

It is easy to constantly look at yourself in a way that would have you keep thinking bad thoughts about yourself. It is easy to believe that you are still very much overweight and are hopeless and unable to do many of the things that you wish you could. It is so easy to do as it is probably something you’ve been telling yourself- or worse still, what others have been telling you up until now.

There comes a time in everyone’s life when you have to shed those bad thoughts and step into a mindset of only absorbing goodness, of only taking in positive thoughts, positive words and positive people into your life.

The sooner you get rid of all things toxic from your life, the sooner you will give yourself the chance to change for the better.

Imagine you are looking into a mirror and seeing the true you, the new, healthier you. It can happen, it’s not just a fairy tale.
You just have to believe in yourself and those you have your best interests at heart.

The Waiting Game.

It may only be a couple of days since i last had a check up, but my next appointment isn’t for another 6 weeks.
I should be happy that they have not needed me to come back ASAP as that would most likely mean something was REALLY wrong. I should be thankful that my issue isn’t that urgent BUT i am so scared.
Over the past week, i have felt like my health has deteriorated fast. Walking to the little one’s school was never too bad, i’d occasionally get a bit out of breath but nothing that i couldn’t recover from in a minute or so. Today i did the same walk and was so out of breath, light headed and felt somewhat shaky at times. I never get THAT out of breath.

Feeling like i did today has made me a bit more worried about the extent of my health at the moment. I have this gut feeling that although i am trying to go into this thinking it could possibly be a “worst case scenario” but will most likely be an “easy fix”; it may in fact be something more serious. I seem to be getting new sore spots around my body that just don’t make sense. They feel like i’ve walked into the corner of a table of something, but i know i have not done any such thing.

I just hope what i am feeling is nothing sinister.

Losing sight of who i am.

Over the past few weeks i have realised that i am once again, losing sight of who i am.
It was really only last night that i realised this though.

I am not happy in my current job so thought i would look for a job i feel i am more suited to. I was able to find something i would like to do, but then when i thought about it more, i realised i am not able to apply for it.

I have a child who is doing really well in her chosen sport. So much so that she was chosen for the state training squad this year. I am very proud of her, but it made me pause before clicking on the “apply now” button on the job vacancy last night.

Even if i was to secure the job, i doubt i’d be able to take it. I don’t think the new employer would be happy if i was to tell them i had to leave 2-3 hours early each day and then on top of that, i wasn’t able to work weekends at all due to my husband and children’s sporting commitments (AKA: me needing to drive the children to their games throughout the entire day).

It made me wonder what i have become.
I have a job (which i should be thankful for as it was offered to me- i didn’t need to go job hunting), but some of the staff at my workplace take me for granted and we are forced to sacrifice half our lunch break at times so we can get back to work before our lunch break is officially finished.
I feel that i am on Earth now to just drive my children around where ever they need to be, to be able to drop what i am doing and do what my children tell me to.

A while ago i put in a submission to be a beta tester for a new mental health art kit. The artist told me she really wanted me to be a part of it and was looking forward to seeing and hearing about what i thought of the kit. I feel as though i was forgotten about and she has since started selling the kits (which means the beta testing must have already taken place). I am still quite hurt to think that she didn’t even contact me to say sorry, but we had an overwhelming response and you unfortunately didn’t make the final cut. I would have been happy with that, but i got nothing. I am more than patient so a small part of me is still hoping that a kit will arrive for my testing and opinion. Each day that passes though, makes me feel that i wasn’t good enough even though she personally told me she was looking forward to me testing it out for her.

I have been knitting a fair bit lately, i have made items for my family, gifts for friends as well as making some items to sell. I even made a page on a social media site and although i have managed to get a number of friends and random people like my page, no one has yet shown any interest in buying any of my items. I only made the page as i had a lot of people tell me how wonderful my handmade items were and how they would love to see them for sale. Now that the items ARE for sale, no one is showing any interest at all.
I won’t give up hope though, I plan to make more items and list those for sale as well. I can’t help but wonder if the way i photographed the items was what put prospective buyers off buying my goods? Maybe i just need to shoot the items differently?

I am sure i have a calling and that my skills will be useful somewhere; i just haven’t figured out what my calling is as yet.
I would love to work for myself as it would be easiest for me with the Doctor and specialist appointments i have had crop up in recent weeks and which will continue into the foreseeable future.
My current work is only casual so i tell my boss well in advance when i am unavailable, but she has recently started to get snappy when people tell her they are unavailable to work.

I feel as though i am disappearing, as though i am fading into nothingness. People will soon forget about me and not want to know me, even if i am standing in front of them.

I don’t want to be in the spotlight but i don’t want to be brushed aside and left for dead either.
That’s what i feel is currently happening to me.

Daily Prompt: Taper

I hoped and prayed that the vicious nature of her once beautiful soul would taper off and reveal the person she once was.

I hold a glimmer of hope that there is still a flickering light of love somewhere in the depths of her soul.
A glimmer of hope that she will one day realise that her current ways are detrimental to not only her own health and well being but to others too.

It scares me to think what she could possibly do if she was to ever go through with her threats. That is what scares me the most.

My once courageous feelings of knowing that i WAS capable of almost anything have, over the years, tapered right off as her behaviour worsened.
I know parenting is a never-ending series of lessons about life, but this is getting a bit much at times.

I hope that one day, all this negative energy and outrage will taper off so much so that is is a far off memory that we can all put behind us.

 

via Daily Prompt: Taper

Twists and Turns

This evening i received a phone call from my Mum.

She was quite flustered, she asked me where her paperwork for her pre-paid funeral was.
I honestly do not have a clue as she went to do that with her Mum and brother some time last year.
All i could suggest was that she look in my late grandparent’s bedroom in the chest of drawers or cupboard as that is where i was told most of the important paperwork was kept. The only other things i can think of would be that she put it in a safe place in her bedroom or that her brother picked up her paperwork when he gathered his Mum’s paperwork to organise the funeral last year.

There was also a bit of general small talk between us, but on a number of occasions she kept saying how she has changed so much over the past 9 months and that i don’t know the real her and probably will never know the real her now.
Somehow, we ended up speaking for about 20minutes. If i had’ve known the phone call would have left me feeling so deflated and my anxiety levels rising at an ever increasing rate, i would have said i was unable to help and made the call as brief as possible, but i guess there was that little girl inside of me who was hoping to have a nice civil chat with her Mum which is why i stayed on the phone, mostly listening to everything she had to say to me (and in many cases, about me).

I am trying to get over the threats and other negative comments and gossip that her side of the family have been spreading about me over the past 10 months or so. I am trying to get on with my life, but it feels like when i am just about on top of everything and moving forwards with my life, something happens and she appears again and relays information or gossip that i really didn’t need to hear.
It is such a kick in the guts. It makes me feel so bad about myself again.

Just when things start looking bright for me, someone looms over like a dark threatening stormcloud; looking to ruin what would have been an otherwise beautiful day.

I just want to get on with my life. A couple of cruel individuals thought it would be a great joke to spread lies about me, to threaten me and my family, to make me feel unsafe when out in public and to turn all those who i had loved and called my family for all my life against me.
I can’t fathom why they would continue to do such a thing. They have taken so much from me, yet it feels like they seem to think it still isn’t enough.

When will the torment stop?
I can only hope i will continue to fight off the voices in my head and wake up every morning and try my hardest to find someone or something to live for.

Overthinking

I was just briefly chatting to a friend on a social media site and she mentioned how crazy it is that we often bump into each other online at some crazy hour of the night/morning… like now.

I do agree with her. Why do we often find it so hard to relax our minds and bodies of an evening, why is it so hard to get ready for a restful night’s sleep? Why does it seem hard to allow our bodies the time it needs to recharge and get ready for the following day?

I jokingly said to her i believe that i am most creative at this hour, she thought a similar thing adding that we must also stay awake due to the snoring coming from the rest of the household sleeping.

And yes, I am typing this while i sit on the bed, my husband laying down next to me, snoring- quite loudly at times… and also passing wind much louder and more projected than what he seems capable of when he is awake.

That’s not the only reason why i am awake though, i feel the biggest cause of my insomnia is due to so many things going through my mind. Some of the things i can pinpoint but most of them i can’t. I am sure it’s something in my subconscious mind that i must try to block out most of the time, but once i relax enough and start to feel creative… that’s when those locked away thoughts come flooding back to the forefront of my mind and interrupt my train of thought, stall my ability to get tired enough to fall asleep or influence my mind so much that i trigger myself and end up having an anxiety attack.
It really is not a good feeling, not being able to  control my own thoughts. It often makes me feel child-like again, child-like in a bad way. It makes me feel useless and unwanted plus that main thing i have noticed is that these bad thoughts seem to be magnetic- they attract other people to take out their frustrations on me. Other people seem to put me down or blame me for things i have no control over when i am feeling bad about myself.

I need to learn how to live in the moment more. I need to learn to stop over thinking.

But how does one NOT overthink?