Time and Tide

Time flies so fast
The tide washes away what i live for
Tuesday quickly turns into Thursday
Tundra landscapes disappear for another winter

Under the cover of darkness i cry
Ugly memories surface at the most inappropriate times
Uttering under my breath, i try and make it all stop
Useless is how i feel most days of the week

Silence is something i never experience anymore
Sometimes i just wish i was dead
Studying others faces is something i do way too much
Sunny blue skies no longer make me as happy as they used to do

 

Advertisements

To whisper you a challenge

A challenge i put out there
For you to not speak aloud
Keep your voice to just a whisper
Stay as quiet as a mouse.

Say something you’ve been afraid to say
Say something out of character
Mention the one you’d die for
Say the honest truth.

Utter a line from your favourite song
Whimper like a pup so scared
Ponder how Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers
Just tell someone you simply do not care.

Play a game just for fun
Keep things light of heart
Stay up late, enjoy yourself
But please… do not fart!

existing… not living.

I feel that i am only existing, not living, not enjoying life, not loving being alive.

Knowing that i feel this numb is killing me from the inside, i try to keep a mask so no one can see the pain i hold from within.

I want to enjoy life, i want to enjoy living, i want to enjoy the little things bt i just feel that whenever i even think about enjoying something- it feels wrong. like i shouldn’t be allowed to do so. But i don’t know why.

I allow people into my life who hurt me, i allow people in my life who make me feel worthless.
I push people who make me feel wanted and loved out of my life for fear of hurting them. In doing this, i also deny myself love.

It is a vicious circle that i can’t seem to drag myself away from.

I need to learn how to live again.

Sports Carnivals

I am currently sitting here listening to the sound of hundreds of school children cheering on their teams at the top of their lungs.

The Team chants have hardly changed from when i was at school. There is still so much excitement in their voices, so much encouragement from the teachers running the carnivals.

It is good that even with so much technology at their fingertips these days, there are still children happy and enthusiastic about taking part in sports carnivals.Wanting to do their best, to help their team, to get a new Personal Best.

Children today are in a way, no different to the children of generations past. They just want to have fun, spend time with their friends, push themselves, challenge their limits, do one better than they did last time.

Sport carnivals bring out the best in people… yes, the worst at times, but mostly, the best.

Sportsmanship. Teamwork. Encouragement.

Such a Hindrance

I have felt like such a hindrance for quite some time now.

I have surgery tomorrow, but can’t help but feel i am such a huge hindrance to society. I will be getting an ovarian cyst removed which should be straight-forward surgery but i can’t help but think that internally, the surgeons will find something worse. Cancer? I don’t know.
But i have this gut feeling that all the pain i have been in for the past several months isn’t a good sign. I think it’s more than just the “simple cyst”.

I mean, i have been in pain for years and years… decades even. The locations of the pain vary from day to day, week to week. To me it is “normal”. I do not know life without pain. I do not know what true silence is; i have Tinnitus so late at night is when the sounds within my head are at their loudest. To me, trying to get to sleep when all is “quiet”, to me is actually deafening and next to impossible at times. I am kept awake for hours after everyone is already fast asleep due to the noises within.

My hearing is worsening too which is scaring me. There has been a gradual worsening of my hearing impairment over the past 5 years, but it seems to have got a lot worse over the past few months. It almost happened suddenly. I now have to lip read a lot or get people to speak up so i can hear them.

Surely the world would be better off without me? I mean, i can’t hear people talking as well as the majority of the population, i am constantly in pain, my health isn’t the best.
If i was an animal, a human in charge of me would be legally allowed to have me euthanized but because i am a human, it is illegal to do just that.

I just want to have a meaning, i want to mean something to people- especially those who supposedly love me.
I want to feel needed by someone…

I want to feel loved…

I don’t want to be a hindrance anymore.

Merry WHAT!?

This time of year is supposed to bring out the best in all of us. It is supposed to be a time of parties, celebrations, gift giving, charity, caring and to many people- Jesus and/or Santa.

To me however, this time of year is one that i dread. It is a time of year that reminds me of those who i have lost, it is a time of year which reminds me of the family members who have upset not only me, but others at gatherings among family and friends. It is a time of year that makes me feel threatened, scared, wary, a time of year that leaves me doubting myself, a time that makes me question my own worth as not only a friend, but also as a mother, a wife and often has me questioning my own existence.

I may not be homeless or going hungry from being unable to buy food to eat- but i do feel alone.
It is almost like the more people i have around… the more lonely i feel.

In an ideal world, i would love to celebrate this time of year with my family, but i want to do it within my means and i would love to start a new family tradition… not follow on with the traditions of other family members.
Something simple like a picnic at a beach or park, or even go camping for a few days if the weather is nice enough. It doesn’t have to cost a lot of money… i would ideally just like to spend some time with my hubby and our children.

Just our little family.

Surely that is not too much of an ask? Is it?

Life gets trickier as you get older.

The older i get, the less i am enjoying life.

It has even got to the point where some days i really truly wished i didn’t exist.
It is like no matter what i do or say… or DON’T do or say, is never good enough for anybody.

I have a low enough self esteem as it is and am trying to deal with everything else going on in my life- most of which i don’t really understand to start with.
Having to feel unwanted and such an inconvenience to the world almost every day is really upsetting, but i hate showing that i am upset so i try to mask it which can be overwhelmingly exhausting at times.

Why can’t people just respect others and realise that we are all unique, we are all different, we all have own struggles and daily battles. What one person finds easy and no trouble- may be next to impossible for someone else and cause them so much stress and anxiety that they may just take their own life because of how it makes them feel?

Before you say or do something… just think for a second and ask yourself if it will have a negative impact on someone around you.

Don’t be the reason someone takes their life today.

Exhausted.

Today i saw my psychologist and we had a good chat about my recent health issues, family, friends, life in general, work and a few dark shadows of my past kept rising to the surface during our chat.

We spoke of life, death, caring for loved ones, suicidal thoughts, past interests & hobbies… many were things that i have not openly spoken about in quite a long while.
In a way it felt good to talk about things again… but it was an emotional roller coaster.

I didn’t realise that my teen years still played such a huge part in my life.

She picked up on it long before i did during our chat. I am glad she did. She knows that my mind may put ideas and thoughts into my head but i am smart enough to not let those bad thoughts take over my life and completely rule what i do.
That is something i am very thankful of, as if i played out some of the things that go on in my mind… i would either be in all sorts of trouble….. or dead.

Tonight i am completely and utterly exhausted. More than i have been in a long while.

I’m not sure if the exhaustion is due to old memories that resurfaced today, or if it was because this was the first time i had worked in about 6 weeks, or because i have just been so busy today- i have been on the go for close to 17 hours almost non-stop.

Now, it is time for bed and sleep.

I hope to get a good sleep. I don’t have to worry about an alarm tomorrow as i don’t have to work.

Good night everybody.

 

Dark thoughts

My mind races at a million miles an hour.

So many thoughts race through my mind, so many negative thoughts and ideas. It haunts me to think that deep inside myself, i am so cold, so negative, such a horrid person.

I don’t want to believe that i am pure evil, i don’t want to think that it is who i am.

Everyone has bad thoughts from time to time, but surely it doesn’t make them a black souled individual for eternity?

Does it?

The true meaning of “I’m good, and you?”

That feeling when you’re on the phone to a friend and they ask how you are and you reply with “Doing as well as i can i guess” when you really just want to say:
“I feel like absolute shit. I feel like the world would be so much better off without me. No matter what i do, it’s never good enough. Regardless of if i do nothing or a lot, it’ll still never be good enough. I feel like i am an enormous burden on everybody. I just wish i knew what the fuck was wrong with me. Like, i sort of have a clue, but it doesn’t answer ALL my questions. I just want to feel healthy, to feel well and not be in pain and to not feel so drained and lacking energy every day. My kids rarely listen to me or do as i ask them to, other people seem to enjoy telling the kids to do the opposite to what i ask of them. It is just so mentally and physically draining. I just want to run away from life for a while. I have lost who i am. I don’t know who i am anymore.
I often wish i didn’t exist. It would make things so much easier for not only me, but everybody else in my life as they could get on with their shit without me holding them back.”