existing… not living.

I feel that i am only existing, not living, not enjoying life, not loving being alive.

Knowing that i feel this numb is killing me from the inside, i try to keep a mask so no one can see the pain i hold from within.

I want to enjoy life, i want to enjoy living, i want to enjoy the little things bt i just feel that whenever i even think about enjoying something- it feels wrong. like i shouldn’t be allowed to do so. But i don’t know why.

I allow people into my life who hurt me, i allow people in my life who make me feel worthless.
I push people who make me feel wanted and loved out of my life for fear of hurting them. In doing this, i also deny myself love.

It is a vicious circle that i can’t seem to drag myself away from.

I need to learn how to live again.



Today i saw my psychologist and we had a good chat about my recent health issues, family, friends, life in general, work and a few dark shadows of my past kept rising to the surface during our chat.

We spoke of life, death, caring for loved ones, suicidal thoughts, past interests & hobbies… many were things that i have not openly spoken about in quite a long while.
In a way it felt good to talk about things again… but it was an emotional roller coaster.

I didn’t realise that my teen years still played such a huge part in my life.

She picked up on it long before i did during our chat. I am glad she did. She knows that my mind may put ideas and thoughts into my head but i am smart enough to not let those bad thoughts take over my life and completely rule what i do.
That is something i am very thankful of, as if i played out some of the things that go on in my mind… i would either be in all sorts of trouble….. or dead.

Tonight i am completely and utterly exhausted. More than i have been in a long while.

I’m not sure if the exhaustion is due to old memories that resurfaced today, or if it was because this was the first time i had worked in about 6 weeks, or because i have just been so busy today- i have been on the go for close to 17 hours almost non-stop.

Now, it is time for bed and sleep.

I hope to get a good sleep. I don’t have to worry about an alarm tomorrow as i don’t have to work.

Good night everybody.


What a day!

It’s been a day i’d rather forget. A day i would rather just wipe out of my life. Just fall asleep and start fresh tomorrow… or relive today in a totally different way.

My eldest child (a moody teen) let all her frustrations out on me today… only verbally, but i think those words she hurled at me caused more pain than if she had’ve done anything else instead.

She got me to the point where i was having suicidal thoughts. The words hurt that bad.
It was like my own teenage years had returned, the days of when i was constantly being bullied, taunted, tormented, teased, put down…..
Except this time, my biggest bully was my own daughter.
My own flesh and blood.

I wish i knew what i had done wrong to cause her to lash out like she did… it’s not the first time though, she often treats me like this. She says i don’t deserve any respect from her. I know i DO deserve respect, but a small part of me believes her as i know i haven’t been the best Mum, especially in the first couple of years of her life. I could have done more back then, but i was young, naive, and still learning how to be a parent myself.

I have spent a lot of the day not really able to complete anything that i wanted to. Nor have i really been able to continue on with the things i wanted to get done. I have simply hidden in the bedroom all day. It’s usually where i feel safe, but not today. Even when my younger three came in to spend time with me, i still didn’t feel safe.
My eldest came to the bedroom a few times (she was cleaning her bedroom today which was a miracle in itself so i didn’t want to say anything bad to her) just to curse at me, just to tell me what a horrid person i was, to tell me how worthless i was.

For someone who has such a low self esteem, it doesn’t take much for me to withdraw and feel so much less wanted than the most worthless thing you could ever imagine.

I have started doing crafts to try and find some enjoyment in life again, i am enjoying it when i put my mind to it and it seems others like what i do too as i have orders to make items for other people and they want to pay me for it. That has to be a HUGE compliment when someone likes what you do enough to want to pay you to make things for them too.

But then, like today, shit hits the fan and it feels like my whole world is collapsing around me, it feels like i am being sucked into a deep dark chasm, unable to get out, unable to breathe, unable to fight back. When life just gets too complicated, too hard.

It would just be easier to simply give up. Let the bullies win. I am sure that would then allow everything to return to some type of normality- if i wasn’t around to cause all this trouble and commotion.

I am incredibly sad… yet i have no tears left to cry. I’m all cried out, but oh so empty within.

I need to find myself. I need to find… to realise that i do still belong. That i belong somewhere. That i do have a place on this earth, that i am still wanted and needed.

I just don’t know how to find that out.

Nobody can hear my cries for help.

Daily Prompt: That’s Amore

Today’s Daily Prompt ( http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2014/03/18/daily-prompt-thats-amore/ ) asks us to talk about our longest relationship.
For me, it is the relationship I am currently in- my marriage.

My husband and I first met 13 years ago. I was in a relationship at the time and back then, I didn’t even contemplate a relationship with my now hubby as I thought I was in a happy relationship with my (now ex) boyfriend at the time.
Within 6 months, life took it’s course and my ex and I went our own ways. It was the first “break up” I had gone through and my (now) hubby was there for me. We were only friends at this stage, and now that I was single again, I allowed myself to see him in a way I hadn’t done before.

Seeing that we had been slowly getting to know each other as friends in the 6 months leading up to this point in time, the next few months seem to fly by in a whirl-wind romance. “We” felt right together, and one thing led to another and the next thing I know… I’m expecting our first baby.
I moved in with him and his family a couple of months later.

I gave birth a little over a year after we first started going out and shortly after that I hit the next life-changing point which was when my grandfather passed away. This really hit me hard. I was a new mum and had lost the man who was like a father figure to me within about 3 weeks of each other. I had to rely on my partner and his family to help me as I was so distraught about everything life had just thrown my way.
When my hubby wasn’t working his day job or playing sport for his local club, he was doing everything he could to help me with the baby.

Once I felt well enough to get around again, we started doing something I really enjoyed. We would take the baby for walks in the pram together in the evenings. It was lovely, we were in love, we had our time together with each other and he helped me to try and stay in some sort of shape.

As the years went on, jobs changed for him, we had more children and got engaged and married in that time too.
We still love each other but I feel that what we have today is very different to what we had when we first started going out.

Today we seem to be more distant. Some days, a little spark will come back which is surprisingly nice, but most of the time I feel that we are existing together but living separate lives.

He is still playing his sport for the same club.

He is a stay at home parent now though, he has been for the past 5 years; I’ve stayed at home with the kids fir the past 11+ years.
My depression and back problems have meant that I can’t look after my children how I wish I could so he has had to do a lot for me.
I know he gets frustrated with me and I feel very bad about that.
I wish I wasn’t constantly in pain and feeling down but it’s not something I can “snap out of” nor can I “just get over it”.

I deal with things the best way I can.

Some days are better than others; some days I feel great and get a fair bit of stuff done, other days I just want to curl up and die as I feel like such a waste of space.

I yearn for the early days… for the days when we enjoyed being in each others company, the times when we went out and enjoyed ourselves. They don’t happen as near as often as I’d like them to. I know we don’t have a lot of money these days, but we can still do things either together as a couple or as a family that don’t much at all.

Our 10th Wedding Anniversary is very quickly nearing and I do not know what we will be doing, if anything at all.
We have spoken about having a short trip away, or a day out somewhere but as yet haven’t agreed on anything.

I truly hope that our marriage brings us closer over the next decade as I would hate to think where we will end up if we continue to distance ourselves from each other like it feels we have been doing over the past few years or so…