Facing the unknown.

Last week i ended up in the emergency department of the local hospital with severe pain, it turns out that i have 2 large cysts on an ovary, the smaller one had haemorrhage. I was given pain relief and antibiotics and sent home with  check up to follow.

Today i went back for the check up after not being able to stop thinking about all the “what if’s”. I came to the conclusion that if there was something wrong, i would rather have the cysts and the affected ovary removed if it was safe to do so.
I have a history of “women’s cancers” in my family so i don’t want to risk being another statistic.Also, I won’t be having any more children.

The head Dr had heard about my case and had been looking into it. By what i was told, i am led to believe that the cysts may have a chance of becoming cancer.
This news in itself did not concern me as i believe the hospital will do the best they can do to keep me well.
What it does do however is slightly scare me. Not knowing at this moment exactly what is happening with my body, not knowing if this issue is easily enough treatable or if it will shorten my life, and by how much.

The not knowing is scarier than what i do know.

I want to go into battle with my shoulders back, head held high, ready to face whatever comes my way.

It’s just that at this very moment…..

I am scared.

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Anticipation can be scary.

Anticipation can be scary, especially when you don’t know what you are waiting for, how big it will be, what form it will appear in.

Not knowing what you should be looking out for can be very worrying indeed as how do you know if it passes by you one day and you never knew that was it? What if it is then gone forever?

Yet, if you grab out at anything and everything that goes past… it could be all for no reason.

How do you know when something is for you to take hold of?
How do you know if something is meant for you?
How do you know what the future holds?

Uncertainty

Setting out into the dark I watched for a glimpse of life. The flicker of eyes, the warmth of a breath on a cold winter’s night, the sound of a smile…

There was nothing.

Into the darkness was more darkness and unknowing. There was no sign of life, no sign of existence.

Where exactly was I? I was still standing so I knew there was gravity and I must still be on Earth.

The silence was unbearable. Not being able to hear anything at all was deafening. Not being able to see was blinding.

It was all to much for me to comprehend. I didn’t want to go back to where I had been yet I was scared to continue going forward in fear of what may lie ahead of me.

I felt naked. Alone. Scared.

I wanted to reach out yet I felt I was bound tightly and could not move at all.

I could feel myself drowning. Drowning in a pool of nothingness.
Nothing. At. All.

I wanted to scream out for help yet when I opened my mouth, no words came out. I was unable to talk, unable to make any audible noises.

I want to cry yet my body is as arid as the driest of dry deserts- parched and lifeless if viewed from the outside
BUT
If you take a closer look you would realise there is life within.

There are tears trying to come out, screams of pain, of pleading.
I was not drowning, I was safe.

Hands reached out to me, my body draped in soft cloth with loved ones nearby.

Everything was becoming clearer than it had ever been before.
I could hear the wind howling, I could hear all the animals, running water, rustling leaves.

I could see it all.

I was alive.