Unfit for work.

Those three little words can at times make even the strongest person feel worthless.

My lower back and nerve pain has now forced me to take 3 weeks off work.

I am thankful that I can walk around, the pain is still there but its bareable. I still have trouble bathing myself and dressing myself at times so I’m still heavily relying on my husband to help me.

I feel worthless as my brain tells me I have to do everything on my to do list, but my body won’t allow me to do much at all. It is really frustrating as in many people’s opinions : “you don’t look sick.” That has to be one of the most challenging things to hear without letting it get to me. It is hard to ignore.

I feel bad enough as it is, but when that comment is directed at me, I feel so much worse.

My lack of income is hurting me financially too. It sucks.

I hate my kids seeing me like this. I should be a role model for them, I shouldn’t need them to help care for me at their young ages.

Pain

Pain.

It’s different for everyone. What is off the scale for one person, may be nothing for the next.

I’ve been told i have a quite high pain tolerance.

For the past week my pain has steadily been getting worse.
I think my back pain has turned into sciatica, the pain is almost unbearable at times but i know i must go on as i am a carer now and i cannot give up.

It feels like someone is stabbing me and twisting a knife, other times it feels like a burning sensation is shooting down my legs. It is FAR from pleasant. I would not wish this upon anyone.

It messes with my mind. It stops me from being able to concentrate. It takes away any joy i might have left within my soul.

I am in pain when i sit. I am in pain when i stand. I am in pain when i walk. Jogging or running is completely out of the question- i accidentally did that a few days ago to keep up with one of my children and i was on the brink of collapsing and crying from the pain.

I wish there was a quick fix for issues like this.

No one deserves to live like this.

No one.

Thoughtless Thinking.

I often find myself thinking.
Thinking about nothing in particular.

Actually- half the time I don’t even remember what I was thinking of thinking about. I just don’t know.

Maybe it’s a female thing? It is known that women try to multi-task as much as possible. Maybe my brain is just working overtime and for some reason I’m not allowing my thoughts to sink in and be remembered.

I guess constantly thinking unimportant things helps keep my mind busy and helps me to stop focusing on the areas of my body that are aching.
To take my mind off the sciatica, off the bulged discs, to take my mind off it all.
My back is constantly aching, it’s a dull ache; but I think in a way, a dull ache is worse than when I completely put my back out and was in agony. I knew the extreme pain would ease with time. This dull ache doesn’t. It is always there.

ALWAYS.

It makes me feel like a little old lady who can barely get around at times. But I know that’s a fallacy as I know many “elderly” people in their 70’s and 80’s who are still very energetic and capable for their age. Some much more energetic than people half or even a quarter of their age!

I want to be able to run around with my kids. Carry them around on my shoulders like many other parents do but I can’t due to the constant pain and the fear that I could really hurt my back at any time for no real reason.