In the blink of an eye

In the blink of an eye things can change.

Well, not actually change, but there may be one moment of your life where you suddenly say “Whoa!” and realise that the life you’re living is not really like the life most of your friends are living.

You never realised it before, but you’re actually a nobody in a world full of somebodies.

Before i met my husband, i was an equal with all the people i knew. I had been raised in a modest home with “Use your common sense” as pretty much the only hard and fast rule set out for my life from those who raised me.
I had lots of pets so was always kept busy (and out of trouble) looking after those animals. I earnt money from buying, breeding and selling pets. I enjoyed it, it was fun, i learnt many lessons doing so.
I had a small group of close friends.

Fast forward to when my husband and I started dating. We often went to music concerts. I assumed it was because he enjoyed music (I have a big love of music too), but more often than not, each concert we’d go to, we’d end up backstage after the show chatting with the artist/band/singer for a while- sometimes a short while, other times for hours. It all depended on the night.
He never made a big deal out of it, so i guess that’s why i guess i just took it in my stride and assumed that was how people usually behaved at concerts (NB: I had never really been to concerts before meeting him.) Occasionally we’d travel hundreds or thousands of Kms around the country following particular bands or singers. They were always glad to see him at their shows.

The more children we had, the less live music we got to see. I was OK with that. We could still listen to our favourite music at home or in the car.

As the children started to grow up a bit more, hubby’s amount of participation in his favourite sport increased too. Not only did he still play for the local Club, he was now also playing in Representative teams and Master’s Competitions as well as receiving calls to play elsewhere in Invitational tournaments. He seemed to be getting quite a reputation for not only all the time and effort he puts into promoting the sport and increasing participation across all programs/age groups, but also for how he himself plays.
He had also been called up on a few occasions to take part in campaigns and promotions, some of which have been used Nationally, on TV and online.

This brings me back to the beginning of this post.
How, in the blink of an eye, your life can change when you realise just how different things are now to what they once were.

Going through the contacts in mine and Hubby’s phone, there are quite a few well known names. People who i never expected to meet face to face in my life, let alone have their personal contact details.
Those of Musicians who i admired growing up and into my adult life, Artists who i have highly respected and admired for as long as i can remember, TV/Social Media Personalities, Elite Sportsmen and women who currently play or did play at State, National and International levels and other well respected people.
I know, at the end of the day, all these people are just like you and I, but some days when I get a chance to just sit down, think and reflect, I can’t quite believe that these people have been willing to want to give us their contact details, let alone want to know as as more than just “that random spectator or audience member”.

It all seems to happen in the blink of an eye.

Backflip

Less than 24 hours ago, i was in a room surrounded by women my age as well as a generation younger.
We were having a discussion which would have us learn about each other, about the other generation as well as learning about ourselves. It was extremely interesting.

If you’ve been following me for a while- you probably would’ve come to know that i have issues believing in myself, my mental health hasn’t been the best most of the time…..

Last night i had a new lease of life. I believed a small part of me could be successful like other women in the group from within my age group, i had a feeling that i WAS capable of almost anything i set my mind to.

This afternoon however, i came crashing back down to Earth. My 15yr old had to get her hair cut. The last time she had it cut would have been almost 3 years ago i guess. She got the grumps at the hairdressers so i told her we could just go home and not worry about getting it cut but she said it had to be cut as we were there anyway.
So, she had the slightest trim off the bottom to just level it off. It was something i could have easily done at home. I wasn’t angry that she made me feel like a worthless piece of shit at the Hair Salon, i was disappointed that she didn’t see anything wrong with putting me down in such a way in public. I shouldn’t have been surprised though as she has done it many times before and i am sure she will probably do it again in the future- it’s just who she is i guess.

When we got home, she started complaining about me making her get her hair cut. I was back at home so just went into the bedroom and started crying. I felt so bad, so worthless. I felt i was such a failure. Hours later, i still feel just as bad about myself. So much so, that i feel i should be punished in some way. I don’t know how but i feel like i should be treated like shit as i am not worthy of anything better.

I hate feeling like this but for so many years it has been my normal. Once in a blue moon (like last night), I am shown a glimmer of hope, a flicker of how my life could be if i wasn’t always so down and miserable.

I wish i could just snap out of it and cheer up. But i can’t.

This is what depression and anxiety looks like.

Life gets trickier as you get older.

The older i get, the less i am enjoying life.

It has even got to the point where some days i really truly wished i didn’t exist.
It is like no matter what i do or say… or DON’T do or say, is never good enough for anybody.

I have a low enough self esteem as it is and am trying to deal with everything else going on in my life- most of which i don’t really understand to start with.
Having to feel unwanted and such an inconvenience to the world almost every day is really upsetting, but i hate showing that i am upset so i try to mask it which can be overwhelmingly exhausting at times.

Why can’t people just respect others and realise that we are all unique, we are all different, we all have own struggles and daily battles. What one person finds easy and no trouble- may be next to impossible for someone else and cause them so much stress and anxiety that they may just take their own life because of how it makes them feel?

Before you say or do something… just think for a second and ask yourself if it will have a negative impact on someone around you.

Don’t be the reason someone takes their life today.

River stones

Smooth and rounded, most things just slide by. Nothing really sticks around. Nothing physical anyway.

I am among many others all like me, some bigger or smaller, but we’re all ultimately the same. So many around me yet i am so alone.

Yet i am the one who feels what others don’t.
I am the one who feels the pain, who feels the iciness of life washing over everything on a daily basis. It is incredibly painful yet it is invisible so those who i want to understand, can’t.. or won’t.

It makes me want to wish this was the end. That the current would just pick me up like a piece of driftwood and carry me over the edge, into the turbulent waters below.
Surely it can’t be any worse than what i am currently having constantly wash over me.

DAILY PROMPT: I didn’t get fleas.

In response to today’s Daily Prompt ( http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2014/02/18/daily-prompt-west-end-girls/ ) I thought I would write about my childhood.

My Mum had me quite young and she was still living at home when she had me so I was lucky enough to have my Nan and Pop help raise me too. Well, I think they actually did more for me than what my Mum did but that’s a completely different kettle of fish.

I grew up in a not-so-great suburb where crime and drugs was a problem.
It wasn’t always like that.
My Pop bought the house in the 1940’s when the road out the front was still dirt and sheep and cattle would be moved along it. Everyone knew everyone and it was very safe but as the years went on, the area attracted a different “crowd”.
Housing commission houses/units were built (high density style) and most of the families that moved into the area were poor, they came from families who survived on welfare payments, those kids who’s parents worked usually worked hard labouring jobs and didn’t earn a great deal of money. Some friends Mum’s had to turn their garages into “mini sweat shops” where they would sew most hours of the day to meet their quotas sewing clothes for big brands and international companies for a small wage.
Many kids were “latch-key kids” from a young age, some as young as about 5years old. They would be expected to get themselves ready for school and come home to an empty house at the end of the school day while their parents worked.

I was one of the lucky ones. My family had a house to call our own that was paid off, I had 3 adults to be there for me whenever I needed them. Some of my friends would come over and play at our place, they’d often end up staying for a meal, occasionally we’d have sleep overs.

As I got older, my grandparents continued to instil their wisdom and their own upbringing on me. I learnt not to waste anything, I learnt to reuse and repurpose whatever I could and to recycle or compost what was left over. Almost nothing was rubbish as such.
One thing I will never forget is my Pop telling me “If you lie down with dogs, you’ll most likely get fleas”. Or in other words, if you mix with good, law-abiding people you’ll turn out good, but if you mix with people who continuously wanted to cause trouble, commit crimes and use drugs then you’d most likely end up following that path too.

Some of my friends came from honest families, other friends not so much.
From a young age I had been taught right from wrong and new what I should and shouldn’t be doing. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t a saint, but I knew not to do things that would get me on the wrong side of the law.

When I was a teenager, the housing estate where most of my friends lived turned into a very scary place. Unfortunately the problems got worse as the media kept doing stories on how bad the area was becoming. The problem families (yes- the parents were causing as much trouble as the kids) would lap up all the (bad) attention they were getting and play up for the cameras even more.
Thankfully all the locals knew each other; not necessarily by name, but we recognised each others faces. When things were at their worst, I still felt relatively safe walking my little dog around the area. I could walk past gangs and nothing would be said. I think it must have been like a mutual respect type of thing. They knew I wouldn’t cause any hassles and I knew they wouldn’t hassle me if I didn’t give them a reason to.

As the years went on and I got older, I found more of my friends getting into trouble. I tried to help them how I could but I was not going to be led down the same path that they were going.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that even if you mix with people who do seem nice enough at the start but end up on the wrong side of the tracks, it doesn’t mean you have to end up like them.
I may have lied down with dogs at one point in my life, but I didn’t end up with fleas.

My Mum and Nan still live in the area but about a decade or so ago, the housing estate was demolished, replanned and reconfigured and rebuilt. Some of the old families got to move back in and a lot of new people moved in to the area.
Much of the crime has gone, but it’ll never be what it used to be.

Nothing ever is.