Silent Fear

Life goes on. We all know this, but some days it feels as right now could very possibly be the last moments of your life.

Things get unbearable, negative thoughts rule over anything else which would otherwise make you take a few deep breaths and know things will be okay.

It is hard to breathe, it is hard to think straight. It is hard to believe anything people tell you. You find it even harder to explain to others how you are feeling and it is impossible to tell others that you need help. Right. Now.

It seems that everyone else has their shit together. Everyone else has their life in order.
Except you.
No one’s life is more fucked up than yours at this very moment.

Well, that’s what the voices in MY head tell me on an almost daily basis.

I hate it. I wish i could be happy and feel confident.

But it seems something is always holding me back.

The voice is always telling me i am never good enough. Or that i am too fat. Too ugly. Will never have the abilities to do what i dream of doing.

I want to prove those voices wrong.
But the voices are usually too strong and i constantly put myself down.

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DP: Break The Silence

Sometimes you just sit there and bite your lip.
Sometimes you do that because it is what you’ve been raised to do, you’ve been told that’s the correct and polite thing to do.
No matter how right or wrong others may see it… it isn’t right to you.
You want to speak up but you’re unsure as to how do something about it.

There are ways to get what you want out into the open.
If like me, you’re quite shy and unsure about yourself when it comes to speaking up and saying what your heart wants you to, there are other ways around it.

You could say what you are feeling in a blog post (it works for me), you could write a letter to your local/national news paper (and hope they publish it), you could write about it, write an open letter to someone, write a letter to the person who you are aiming your thoughts at, you could turn your thoughts into a story, a poem, even into a work of art.

 

The Daily Prompt tells us that we should write this blog post about “what we should have said”. I initially thought it would be super easy to write, but I seem to be skirting around the topic… unable to get right into it like I imagined I would have been able to.

I guess I just don’t know exactly what to say- or how to say it. Without repeating myself.
Maybe that’s the good thing about this blog of mine.

I have been writing it in such a way that it allows my readers to get to know me, to get to know my secrets, my fears, my deepest inner thoughts that I am too scared to air in my real life for fear that I will be judged on my thoughts.
But you don’t all know me as you don’t know my exact identity. I think being anonymous is a great way to be able to freely express myself. Some people may read these words and be able to relate to them. That’s great, I hope it helps you realise that you’re not in this alone. There are others out there who are fighting a similar battle.

I have had friends tell me I’m a great listener and a great giver of advice. I guess in a way, they’re probably right. I don’t want to go around blowing my own trumpet, but I do try and help others where possible.
My biggest vice would have to be standing up for myself, saying what is on my mind and practicing what I preach.
I seem to be able to help others with no problem at all, but when it comes to helping myself- I find it incredibly hard to do. I KNOW what I need to do, I usually even know HOW I should go about doing it, but I just find it crippling, almost impossible to physically get up and do it.

Why do I find it so hard to help myself? Why do I feel so guilty for speaking up for myself?
Does this go back to my childhood? From the years of bullying I have endured? From the years of having my own Mother often tell me that I was an accident and how I shouldn’t exist?
There were (and still are) people in my life who have done everything in their power to help lift my spirits, to help me realise just what I can achieve and to help me prove to those naysayers that I AM right from time to time.
I want to thank those people (best friends, teachers I admire, role models, those kind strangers who come into my life and disappear just as fast) for believing in me, for helping me be the best person I could be at that moment in my life.
If it wasn’t for some of you wonderful people, I know my life wouldn’t be how it is today.

I hate to think of what may have been if I had’ve gone through with some of thoughts I had during some of the lowest, darkest times in my life.

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/dp_prompt/break-the-silence/