- A smile from a stranger
- The sun shining on your back
- Warm hands on a cold day
- Patting a baby animal
- Finding money you forgot you put in a safe place
- Talking to a close friend
- Hearing a favourite song on the radio
- Having a loved one kiss or hug you for no reason
- Looking through old photos
- A full tank of fuel
- Licking cake batter off a spoon
- Seeing a shooting star
- Stopping to smell the roses
- Jumping in puddles
I have not felt this empty or alone for a very long time.
My husband has gone away for a week just when i am at a very low point emotionally. He went away just as i really wanted him to be around. I needed him here.
My physical pain is at a high level at the moment, it has been for weeks (well, i have been in constant pain for many years, but it has flared up in recent weeks) but i just never said anything as i didn’t want to worry anyone.
Now i have dug myself into a hole. If i mention my pain now, it’s like i am too weak and unable to care for my children on my own (even though the in-laws are here in the house as well).
I already feel like a failure as i most likely won’t see my two youngest children at all tomorrow. I leave for work before they wake up and i won’t get back until after they should be in bed tomorrow as i have to take my eldest to training. If they do go to bed when they’re told, i won’t actually see them until the following afternoon. 😦 That has literally just hit home.
My hubby has gone away and now i may not see my children for almost 40 hours! I really AM a bad mum.
Now i really do feel alone… more than i did 20 minutes ago when i thought it was bad then.
Maybe i should try and get some sleep… i have been awake for close to 19 hours now. I have to be up in a bit over 6 hours and i haven’t had much sleep the past day or two.
I didn’t realise it has been a month since i last wrote anything.
I was sure it was only last week.
I haven’t been feeling the best overall.
Some days are much better than others, but many of those days i have felt numb, anxious, sad, alone, disrespected… and at times scared. All for no apparent reason other than it’s just how my body/mind felt.
The days i have felt like shit, they were the ones which seemed to drag on and on… yet flew by so very fast. Hence why it is now about a month since i last wrote anything.
I have been turning to soft drink, lollies, chips and other junk foods for comfort. I know it is the wrong thing to do, but it seems to be the easiest.
The satisfaction is there… for a small moment, then i just feel guilt.
The guilt of putting crap foods into my body.
It isn’t nourishing. It isn’t doing my body any good doing so yet i continue to do it. Almost. Every. Single. Day.
Less than 24 hours ago, i was in a room surrounded by women my age as well as a generation younger.
We were having a discussion which would have us learn about each other, about the other generation as well as learning about ourselves. It was extremely interesting.
If you’ve been following me for a while- you probably would’ve come to know that i have issues believing in myself, my mental health hasn’t been the best most of the time…..
Last night i had a new lease of life. I believed a small part of me could be successful like other women in the group from within my age group, i had a feeling that i WAS capable of almost anything i set my mind to.
This afternoon however, i came crashing back down to Earth. My 15yr old had to get her hair cut. The last time she had it cut would have been almost 3 years ago i guess. She got the grumps at the hairdressers so i told her we could just go home and not worry about getting it cut but she said it had to be cut as we were there anyway.
So, she had the slightest trim off the bottom to just level it off. It was something i could have easily done at home. I wasn’t angry that she made me feel like a worthless piece of shit at the Hair Salon, i was disappointed that she didn’t see anything wrong with putting me down in such a way in public. I shouldn’t have been surprised though as she has done it many times before and i am sure she will probably do it again in the future- it’s just who she is i guess.
When we got home, she started complaining about me making her get her hair cut. I was back at home so just went into the bedroom and started crying. I felt so bad, so worthless. I felt i was such a failure. Hours later, i still feel just as bad about myself. So much so, that i feel i should be punished in some way. I don’t know how but i feel like i should be treated like shit as i am not worthy of anything better.
I hate feeling like this but for so many years it has been my normal. Once in a blue moon (like last night), I am shown a glimmer of hope, a flicker of how my life could be if i wasn’t always so down and miserable.
I wish i could just snap out of it and cheer up. But i can’t.
This is what depression and anxiety looks like.
I feel that i am only existing, not living, not enjoying life, not loving being alive.
Knowing that i feel this numb is killing me from the inside, i try to keep a mask so no one can see the pain i hold from within.
I want to enjoy life, i want to enjoy living, i want to enjoy the little things bt i just feel that whenever i even think about enjoying something- it feels wrong. like i shouldn’t be allowed to do so. But i don’t know why.
I allow people into my life who hurt me, i allow people in my life who make me feel worthless.
I push people who make me feel wanted and loved out of my life for fear of hurting them. In doing this, i also deny myself love.
It is a vicious circle that i can’t seem to drag myself away from.
I need to learn how to live again.
I have been meaning to write something for quite some time. I have “written” entire blog posts in my head, thought about every little detail that I wanted to say. But them i have a little voice in my head tell me not to be stupid- no one would want to read what i feel like saying. No one wants to know my thoughts or feelings…
Anyway, rather that turn this into one long post about a bit of everything… i might put up some new writings over the next few days.
For days, weeks and months
The noose has been getting tighter.
Tighter and tighter around my throat
Space to breathe or swallow feels almost non-existent.
Eating causes much discomfort
Food is like a coarse file,
Grating away the at insides of my throat
Food sticks in my throat like a hook in a fish’s mouth.
I’m not trying to be difficult
I just can’t find food that doesn’t hurt.
I am not being a snob to your cooking
I am sometimes scared to eat because of the swallowing.
I am scared as i don’t know what’s happening
An invisible noose tightens around my throat.
No amount of begging or praying loosens it
I have no control, none whatsoever.
Sometimes i hate myself for how forgetful i can be. I will walk into another room or drive to the shops only to wonder why i am there and what i was supposed to be doing or getting.
This week, i had my surgery and i think being forgetful has actually saved my life.
In the lead up to my surgery i was very down and depressed and feeling that the world would be so much better off without me. I had it in my mind that i would tell the hospital staff that i wished to be a “DO NOT RESUSCITATE” (DNR) patient. If my time was meant to be up, that’d be it. I thought that was what would have been best for me.
Thankfully i forgot about the DNR, i forgot to speak to the staff about it and they never mentioned it to me.
Apparently i stopped breathing while i was in the Recovery Room after my operation. I am not sure how long I’d stopped breathing (I’m yet to get the results of the operation, etc), but the nurse looking after me said i had given her a scare. That has never happened to me with any other operation i have had. I don’t know why i stopped breathing but i am thankful they helped me start breathing again.
Today, a few days after the operation, my emotions are all over the place. One minute i am glad to be here, the next i feel like such a huge hindrance as i feel i should be up and doing stuff but i am physically unable to do everything i want to do due to needing to heal from the operation first.
I am an a mix of Panadol and Endone for the pain. I want to stop the Endone as soon as possible as i don’t like the side effects… the Panadol doesn’t really help me either so i may just stop taking that too.
I am hoping to be more mobile as the days go on.
I get the results of the operation and find out if the cyst i had removed was in fact cancerous. Depending on those results, I’ll know what i have to do in the future.
Whatever happens, i am sure it has happened to me because i am strong or capable enough to handle the situation…
I have felt like such a hindrance for quite some time now.
I have surgery tomorrow, but can’t help but feel i am such a huge hindrance to society. I will be getting an ovarian cyst removed which should be straight-forward surgery but i can’t help but think that internally, the surgeons will find something worse. Cancer? I don’t know.
But i have this gut feeling that all the pain i have been in for the past several months isn’t a good sign. I think it’s more than just the “simple cyst”.
I mean, i have been in pain for years and years… decades even. The locations of the pain vary from day to day, week to week. To me it is “normal”. I do not know life without pain. I do not know what true silence is; i have Tinnitus so late at night is when the sounds within my head are at their loudest. To me, trying to get to sleep when all is “quiet”, to me is actually deafening and next to impossible at times. I am kept awake for hours after everyone is already fast asleep due to the noises within.
My hearing is worsening too which is scaring me. There has been a gradual worsening of my hearing impairment over the past 5 years, but it seems to have got a lot worse over the past few months. It almost happened suddenly. I now have to lip read a lot or get people to speak up so i can hear them.
Surely the world would be better off without me? I mean, i can’t hear people talking as well as the majority of the population, i am constantly in pain, my health isn’t the best.
If i was an animal, a human in charge of me would be legally allowed to have me euthanized but because i am a human, it is illegal to do just that.
I just want to have a meaning, i want to mean something to people- especially those who supposedly love me.
I want to feel needed by someone…
I want to feel loved…
I don’t want to be a hindrance anymore.
This time of year is supposed to bring out the best in all of us. It is supposed to be a time of parties, celebrations, gift giving, charity, caring and to many people- Jesus and/or Santa.
To me however, this time of year is one that i dread. It is a time of year that reminds me of those who i have lost, it is a time of year which reminds me of the family members who have upset not only me, but others at gatherings among family and friends. It is a time of year that makes me feel threatened, scared, wary, a time of year that leaves me doubting myself, a time that makes me question my own worth as not only a friend, but also as a mother, a wife and often has me questioning my own existence.
I may not be homeless or going hungry from being unable to buy food to eat- but i do feel alone.
It is almost like the more people i have around… the more lonely i feel.
In an ideal world, i would love to celebrate this time of year with my family, but i want to do it within my means and i would love to start a new family tradition… not follow on with the traditions of other family members.
Something simple like a picnic at a beach or park, or even go camping for a few days if the weather is nice enough. It doesn’t have to cost a lot of money… i would ideally just like to spend some time with my hubby and our children.
Just our little family.
Surely that is not too much of an ask? Is it?