What a day!

It’s been a day i’d rather forget. A day i would rather just wipe out of my life. Just fall asleep and start fresh tomorrow… or relive today in a totally different way.

My eldest child (a moody teen) let all her frustrations out on me today… only verbally, but i think those words she hurled at me caused more pain than if she had’ve done anything else instead.

She got me to the point where i was having suicidal thoughts. The words hurt that bad.
It was like my own teenage years had returned, the days of when i was constantly being bullied, taunted, tormented, teased, put down…..
Except this time, my biggest bully was my own daughter.
My own flesh and blood.

I wish i knew what i had done wrong to cause her to lash out like she did… it’s not the first time though, she often treats me like this. She says i don’t deserve any respect from her. I know i DO deserve respect, but a small part of me believes her as i know i haven’t been the best Mum, especially in the first couple of years of her life. I could have done more back then, but i was young, naive, and still learning how to be a parent myself.

I have spent a lot of the day not really able to complete anything that i wanted to. Nor have i really been able to continue on with the things i wanted to get done. I have simply hidden in the bedroom all day. It’s usually where i feel safe, but not today. Even when my younger three came in to spend time with me, i still didn’t feel safe.
My eldest came to the bedroom a few times (she was cleaning her bedroom today which was a miracle in itself so i didn’t want to say anything bad to her) just to curse at me, just to tell me what a horrid person i was, to tell me how worthless i was.

For someone who has such a low self esteem, it doesn’t take much for me to withdraw and feel so much less wanted than the most worthless thing you could ever imagine.

I have started doing crafts to try and find some enjoyment in life again, i am enjoying it when i put my mind to it and it seems others like what i do too as i have orders to make items for other people and they want to pay me for it. That has to be a HUGE compliment when someone likes what you do enough to want to pay you to make things for them too.

But then, like today, shit hits the fan and it feels like my whole world is collapsing around me, it feels like i am being sucked into a deep dark chasm, unable to get out, unable to breathe, unable to fight back. When life just gets too complicated, too hard.

It would just be easier to simply give up. Let the bullies win. I am sure that would then allow everything to return to some type of normality- if i wasn’t around to cause all this trouble and commotion.

I am incredibly sad… yet i have no tears left to cry. I’m all cried out, but oh so empty within.

I need to find myself. I need to find… to realise that i do still belong. That i belong somewhere. That i do have a place on this earth, that i am still wanted and needed.

I just don’t know how to find that out.

Nobody can hear my cries for help.

Some days are just like that…

Days when you plan to just chill out and relax but then one thing happens after another and next thing you know it’s late at night and you’re exhausted…

Not sure how long it’ll be before I get a proper “chill out” day…
School Holidays have just started so now I’m busy keeping the kids amused for a fortnight.

I’ve got a few ideas of things to do… not sure what I’ll actually get done though.

My pillow is looking mighty fine right about now…
Time for that appointment with sleep… I have a busy day (well, almost 3 weeks) ahead of me.

Good night.
XO

Don’t you just hate it???

Don’t you just hate it when the rest of the house is asleep but you’re still awake.

I WANT to go to sleep, but my mind is wired.
My mind is completely awake and buzzing but my body is tired and wants to slow down and go to sleep for the night in hope of somehow recharging for tomorrow… well, later on today when I have to get up again.

The cicadas are outside singing their crazy little song… it doesn’t worry me though as I have tinnitus, a buzzing noise in my head that is almost always with me, day in day out… it is always there.
Sometimes it gets so bad that I want to pull my hair out, sometimes it gets so bad that I punch myself in the head- not hard enough to really hurt myself, just enough that it makes me feel as though I have accomplished something.

What that thing is… I don’t know.

I doubt I’ll ever know.

I guess some people would call this insomnia but I don’t as once I can calm my mind enough to get ready for sleep, I can fall asleep pretty¬†fast once my head hits the pillow.
It’s just the part where I try and get ready for sleep that I have trouble with.

I always seem to have something on my mind- no matter how trivial or silly it seems, it is usually the one thing that hinders my ability to be able to get to sleep.
I often think about things that I cannot control.
I know it’s not a healthy thing to do, but I guess I have been doing it for so long that it is a bad habit that I have to work on correcting.

I am constantly making mental notes of things I want to do, things I wish I had the courage to say to people, things I wish I had.
It makes me feel bad as when I think about all the things I desire to do, say or obtain- I can’t help but think I must be a greedy, selfish person¬†who doesn’t deserve anything good in life.

I just hope tomorrow is more productive than what today (yesterday) was.