Solo. Alone. One. Singular.

I feel so alone at the moment.

I just want to feel loved.

I just want to feel wanted.

I just want a hug.

 

I don’t want to feel alone.
I want to be loved.
I want to be wanted.
I want to feel as though i fit in.

One is really such a lonely number. It’s almost like zero.
One has zero friends, has zero family, has zero everything. Has nothing.
One is almost as bad as being a nothing or a nobody… sometimes it feels worse.

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Back home.

I have spent most of today at home visiting my Nan.
I don’t come here to visit Mum as she dishes out negativity like it’s going out of fashion.
The fact that she is almost always here (she still lives here) is something that I can’t change.

I just wish that I could spend a nice relaxing day here with Nan and my kids.

Nan is one of the coolest Nan’s around.

I’m not just saying that either- a lot of my friends tell me what a great Nan I have, how she’s a character, loves to joke around and how she’s so full of energy. Her positive energy rubs off on everyone… well, most people.

It unfortunately hasn’t rubbed off on Mum.

Mum came home from the shops this morning and the first thing she said to me was “Oh, you shouldn’t be coming here until at least lunchtime.”
No “hello”, no, “oh- you’re visiting early today”; just straight into the negativity and putting me down in front of the kids.

I hate it how mum is always like that.

From when I was little, she would always remind me of how I was an “Accident”, how she didn’t want me.
She will never speak of my Dad, she hates it when I ask questions about him.
As I grew up, I learnt to ask my Nan and Pop about my Dad and they were cool with it, they told me what they knew, it wasn’t much, but it was a start. It helped me to learn a little bit more about myself because at the end of the day I AM half my Mum and half my Dad.

I should not be blamed for my existence, I had nothing to do with it.

I did not ask to be conceived, nor did I choose to be born.
It happened because my Mum and Dad had some type of connection at one times in their lives that they went on to create me- accident or planned… it happened, I’m here and that’s all there is to it.

I think being told I was unwanted throughout all my childhood has really hurt me. I may not show it, but inside I am broken… worse then broken- completely shattered.

Growing up, I had few friends, but those I had I was quite close to. Watching their close bond with their Mums was hard for me. I treated some of my friends Mum’s as my own Mum at times, knowing my “adopted Mum” would care for me, show me love and be proud of my achievements.

I am sure my Mum does care for me in her own strange sort of way as I have been told of how she often boasts about her daughter, especially when I did well at school or had a child, etc. I just wish Mum wasn’t so cold towards me. It is hard to love someone who doesn’t show love for me.

I would give anything to get along with my Mum, to be able to go on a holiday with her and not argue or anything. Even to go out for a day of shopping with her- but even when I take her to the train station or something, she always does something that ends up with us disagreeing, not always arguing, but often with me dropping her off at her destination and me regretting I ever helped her.

Is it wrong of me to be craving love from my Mum who only seems to care about herself??

Greed… or is it?

I often have moments… or days if I am to be completely honest, where I just want to get away from everything and everyone.
Times I just want to hop in the car and drive.
Drive somewhere- I don’t know where, but away from the hustle bustle of the city, away from the concrete and bright lights and somewhere open, green, airy, natural… somewhere beautiful.
At times I feel I need to get away from myself to just try and set myself straight again, to get a level head and de-stress, to be at one with nature and ground myself again.

I am no good to anybody- especially my husband or children if I am in physical pain, stressed, anxious or depressed.
I am usually one or two of these things at any one time.
I guess I have tried to learn to live like this but I hate it, I really do.

I want to be “normal”, not living in pain, not worrying about if something wrong or bad is going to happen, not constantly feeling I have to apologise for something bad that has happened (when a lot of the time it is something I don’t even have any control over).

It frustrates me that for some reason I have grown up believing I am the cause of everyone’s problems, deep down I know I am not always to blame, but by the time I open my mouth to say something, all I can manage is “I’m Sorry”.
I just can’t help it.

I hate being so negative, I feel it is bad for my kids too.
I want them to grow up being strong, proud individuals, not scared of doing anything in case they’ll get in trouble or because someone isn’t open enough to their opinions or views.

Having a quick think about my life… I guess it comes down to me being an “Accident” and having my Mum remind me of this throughout my childhood and even now as an adult and a parent myself.
That however is another story.