The unwanted one.

For most of my life i have felt like i have been unwanted.

My Mum would constantly remind me that i was not wanted, that i was a mistake and should have never happened.
Throughout my childhood i was often bullied for who i was and i was shunted around many “groups of friends” at school.
I often ended up sitting in corridors alone during recess and lunch or spending all my time in the school library. I felt safer on my own than i did around so called friends.
(Sometimes i still feel that is the case now.)

Yesterday i spoke to my Mum on the phone and she was telling me how she is having to rely on her siblings or nephews to help her do a few things around the house.
I reminded her that she DOES have a Daughter, Son-in-law and grandchildren who can help her.
Her response? “I know but…”
Three little words. They don’t really mean much as those 3 little individual words, but when said how she did, it was very degrading. Like she is still pushing me out of her life. I told her that if she doesn’t want to see us or if she doesn’t want anymore contact, to just say so. The rest of the family have kicked me out of their lives but at least i know where i stand with them. It is sad that they believes lies that were spread about me, but everyone has a right to have their own opinions and believe whatever they wish.
I just want to know where i stand with my Mum.

Last night my husband went to bed upset with me.
He noticed that my ex-boyfriend who also happens to be a family friend had sent me an email (simply asking how i had been coping since my Nan passed away) and he wasn’t happy about that.
Maybe i am completely stupid, naive, call it what you will, but if my hubby wanted to occasionally talk to one of his exes, i wouldn’t have a problem with it. I trust that at the end of the day, it is ME that he wants to spend his life with and be with. I don’t have feelings for anyone other than my husband. He is the only person i can ever imagine being intimate with now.
I don’t see any problem with having friends of any orientation or gender- they are simply people who i get along with.
Friends are just that. Friends. People who you have a common interest with. People who you can comfortable talk to and mingle with.

I just hate feeling unwanted all the time.

I want to feel wanted.

I don’t want the worst of my childhood continuing to haunt me throughout my adult life.
I try my hardest to move forwards and find positive things… but it seems that once the positive things start to happen, then something horrible happens again and i am back to square one. Often i am back feeling lower and worse than i did the previous time i felt like absolute shit.

I just want all this negativity to end. Well, the worst of it anyway. I know you can’t have good without bad, but surely the bad parts don’t have to be so much stronger and affect me so much more than what any positive moments do.

It is like i am taking 3 steps forward but 7 steps back…

I was just about on top of my depression and anxiety, now it is like it is no longer creeping back, but about to completely ambush me all at once. But i just don’t know when it will happen.

That is what makes me scared… not knowing when it is going to hit.

Advertisements

Always in the wrong place.

I’m almost hanging off the side of the bed.

I’m almost tempted to just get out of bed and do something… go for a walk, pace back and forth in the entrance to the house, look out the window to try and find something happening…

I feel like such a hindrance. No matter where I am, I feel I am in the wrong place.
No matter what I do, it feels as though I have done the wrong thing.

I just want to feel like I am an important part of something. An important part of someone’s life.

I just don’t feel like that anymore. I feel like I’m an object.
An object for sexual favours, an object that will change plans for others at the drop of a hat, an object that is expected to do things for others and feel no negativity towards anything- even if it means missing out on doing things that I truly looked forward to.

I just wish I could disappear.

Grow wings and fly off into the distance, letting the wind carry me far far away.

Far away to a place where there is room for me to be me.
And people will be accepting of that.

Emptiness

I hate feeling like this. It really kicked in late last night.

I’d taken my children out for the day. Although I didn’t get to do exactly what I’d planned to do when we left in the morning, we still got to see a lot of things and the kids got home exhausted and they even thanked me a number of times for a great day out. I knew I must have done something right, as they rarely thank me without being prompted to do so.

But then the guilt hit and I have felt horrible since.

I don’t want to be the “goodie” who goes against the other parent, I want to be a good wife, a good mum, a good influence and someone that is to be respected.
However I do want to show the kids how I used to have fun as a child, I want them to see that they don’t need all the latest technological devices to enjoy life and have things to talk about amongst their friends.
I may have a number of health issues that stop me from doing everything I want to do a lot of the time, but when I feel ok, I want the kids to realise that I can get out there and have as much fun as they do.

I guess when I came home last night I was on a high from the day’s outings. I’d driven over 300kms and we’d stopped at 4 places throughout the day to sight-see, play, eat, experience and love.

It’s like I should feel disgusted with myself as today I hoped to have a family day out but feared it would turn into the opposite, a day stuck at home where the kids quarrel and argue, tears flow, people get hurts, voices are raised and quite simply, the day turns to shit.

Today was almost one of those days- I guess the best bit about it was that some of the chores got done. The lawns got mowed, some gardening got done, the laundry was washed and dried.

I should be happy, but what upsets me is that the kids fought over silly little things, or they did thoughtless things which hurt their siblings.
I guess I felt that if I had’ve had them out somewhere, then maybe, the hurt would not have happened.
I hate seeing my kids hurt and upset. I don’t want them turning into little brats who get their own way all the time, but I don’t feel there’s a need for children to be upset each day.

Just because I had a fair bit of sadness in my life as a child, it doesn’t mean my own children need to experience it too.

Today I felt empty.
Empty because I feel I don’t make my husband happy anymore.
Empty because I feel my children only acknowledge me and respect me if I’m the only adult around them at the time.
Empty because I think I have lost all my self esteem, all my self worth.

During the recent times when I was pretty much housebound due to my back, I slipped back into having suicidal thoughts again. I haven’t been that way for about 18 years or so. It scared me, it honestly did.
I think it may have even been a reason why it took me so long to start driving again.
Yes, I was worried about if I would have 100% control of the car, but I think it was also because I couldn’t completely trust myself. What if I had’ve driven over the speed limit and then not been careful as I came to a dangerous section of road?
I would not have wanted to put anyone else’s lives at risk, but I didn’t care for myself either.

The thing that stopped me was fear. Fear of not succeeding.

If I had’ve hurt myself and lived to tell the tale, how would I explain myself?
I would have been to scared to admit anything to my husband or other close family and friends. I would have been ashamed.

If I had’ve succeeded, then I would have left those I love the most behind. They would most likely be forever trying to work out why.

I guess I have felt empty because I don’t know how or what to feel.

It truly tears me apart inside but I try to not show it.
I try to be strong and act as though everything is fine.

It’s too hard to explain…..

Back home.

I have spent most of today at home visiting my Nan.
I don’t come here to visit Mum as she dishes out negativity like it’s going out of fashion.
The fact that she is almost always here (she still lives here) is something that I can’t change.

I just wish that I could spend a nice relaxing day here with Nan and my kids.

Nan is one of the coolest Nan’s around.

I’m not just saying that either- a lot of my friends tell me what a great Nan I have, how she’s a character, loves to joke around and how she’s so full of energy. Her positive energy rubs off on everyone… well, most people.

It unfortunately hasn’t rubbed off on Mum.

Mum came home from the shops this morning and the first thing she said to me was “Oh, you shouldn’t be coming here until at least lunchtime.”
No “hello”, no, “oh- you’re visiting early today”; just straight into the negativity and putting me down in front of the kids.

I hate it how mum is always like that.

From when I was little, she would always remind me of how I was an “Accident”, how she didn’t want me.
She will never speak of my Dad, she hates it when I ask questions about him.
As I grew up, I learnt to ask my Nan and Pop about my Dad and they were cool with it, they told me what they knew, it wasn’t much, but it was a start. It helped me to learn a little bit more about myself because at the end of the day I AM half my Mum and half my Dad.

I should not be blamed for my existence, I had nothing to do with it.

I did not ask to be conceived, nor did I choose to be born.
It happened because my Mum and Dad had some type of connection at one times in their lives that they went on to create me- accident or planned… it happened, I’m here and that’s all there is to it.

I think being told I was unwanted throughout all my childhood has really hurt me. I may not show it, but inside I am broken… worse then broken- completely shattered.

Growing up, I had few friends, but those I had I was quite close to. Watching their close bond with their Mums was hard for me. I treated some of my friends Mum’s as my own Mum at times, knowing my “adopted Mum” would care for me, show me love and be proud of my achievements.

I am sure my Mum does care for me in her own strange sort of way as I have been told of how she often boasts about her daughter, especially when I did well at school or had a child, etc. I just wish Mum wasn’t so cold towards me. It is hard to love someone who doesn’t show love for me.

I would give anything to get along with my Mum, to be able to go on a holiday with her and not argue or anything. Even to go out for a day of shopping with her- but even when I take her to the train station or something, she always does something that ends up with us disagreeing, not always arguing, but often with me dropping her off at her destination and me regretting I ever helped her.

Is it wrong of me to be craving love from my Mum who only seems to care about herself??

What If?

Road to Nowhere

What if I could just go… leave everything behind and start off fresh?
It’s not something I want to do but I can’t help but think the world would be better off without me.
Can’t help but think everyone would be better off if I wasn’t around to be such a burden on their lives.

What if the only thing left of me were my shadows and foot prints.

Would anyone miss me?

Would anyone realise that my soul was long gone?

I’ve done it again.

Once again, it is already tomorrow.

I am still awake and it is almost 1am.
Every day I tell myself that I will go to bed at a respectable hour (say by about 11pm), that I will eat better foods and not eat junk food before going to bed.
Almost every day I lie to myself.
I don’t know why I do it, I should be stronger as it is only myself that I’m fighting. If I can’t win an argument against myself, what hope do I have?

Unless you have ever walked a day in my shoes I guess it could be hard to understand why I continue to treat myself this way.

Why I seem to be forever putting myself down.

Some days I think I know what I’m doing, other days I feel that I’m just standing in the crowd watching everything happen before my eyes and that I have no say in what happens to me.