Employed at last

3 weeks ago i started the first paid job i have had since 2002. I have done volunteer work during the past 15 years, but i am now employed again.

I thought it would be a huge boost to my self esteem. I thought it would make me happy.
But it hasn’t. Some days i enjoy it, other days i can’t help but think about when i can go home.

I enjoyed doing the work as a volunteer, but now that i am doing a very similar job as a paid employee, it just feels different. It’s almost like i am not good enough at times, like i’m not fast enough at my job.

The money is OK. It’s helpful. I want to save up but at the moment most of my money has to go towards bills. I know that’s how the working life is… you go to work, earn money, pay bills. REPEAT.
If you’re very fortunate you might have a bit left over to go out for a day trip, go to the movies, go out for a meal, etc…

I just wish i knew why i was no longer enjoying the job i have enjoyed doing (as a volunteer) for the past 2 years. My work load hasn’t changed much at all, but i feel i am now not appreciated quite as much by all the staff.

It’s most likely just me thinking crazy thoughts, but it feels so real to me at the moment.

I just don’t know who i can talk to about it as i don’t feel i have any friends in the same position as me, so they can’t quite understand exactly how i am feeling… or they can’t help me learn or work out why i am feeling like this.

Maybe i need to find myself…

Change can be scary

The past couple of weeks have been crazy and somewhat scary.

Things haven’t changed too much in what i have been used to doing, but the reasons i am doing what i am have changed.

2 weeks ago i began a paid Casual job. This is the first paid job i have had since 2002.
It isn’t too different to what i have been doing as a volunteer for the past two years, there are a few extra tasks involved, but nothing too scary.
Now i get to handle money more, take EFTPOS payments, be more involved in allergy alert and Gluten Free food orders.

I guess the scary thing is more those tasks which have to be learnt and remembered and then be able to be done automatically without much thought going into them. Things such as delivering staff lunches to the correct staff rooms.
There are close to 10 staff rooms and knowing which lunches have to be delivered to each room is daunting to someone who isn’t aware of the workplace layout/staffroom locations. It got so bad today when i was asked to deliver the lunches on my own that i actually had an anxiety attack. I felt so ashamed. I felt inadequate. I wished the world would just open up and make me disappear. But it didn’t. What did happen? I let it get to me and let it upset me. I tried not to, but i cried. I couldn’t keep the tears away. This made me feel even worse.
Thankfully my boss is understanding and pulled me aside for a quiet chat. I told her of my worries and she said i should not have been told to take the lunches on my own this early in, how i should have had at least a week or two experience, shadowing another staff member and getting used to what i should deliver and where.

On top of that, it didn’t help that i had so much more going on in my mind.
Stress, money issues, random negative thoughts… It all snowballed and made things seem so much worse than what they were.

I have also been sick for the past month or so. It turns out i have tonsillitis. Thankfully i was recently able to see my regular doctor who gave me stronger medicine and did some tests which i am hoping will let us know what exactly is wrong with me and if it is something bad, or if my body is just run down and weak at the moment and not able to fight off simple viruses and infections.

I just feel like going for a day trip… getting back to nature. My body and soul is craving that. Going somewhere to just watch the water, watch the wind blow the leaves about in a forest, to water water ripple and ants marching in a line.
I just need time to recharge again.

I feel that my batteries are depleted. They are completely flat and no matter what i do, it just isn’t enough to give it my all each day. I am not running at the best of my ability. I am struggling.

There you go, i said it. I’m struggling. I am finding it hard to cope. Hard to cope with work. Hard to cope with life. Hard to cope with the thoughts racing through my mind- most of those thoughts which are by no means helpful to me or those who i influence.

If you are reading this and realise you or someone you know is in a similar position. Please, please stop and take some time for yourself. Take time to regenerate your soul. If you are unable to to work to the best of your ability, to be the best you know you can be, it WILL come through in your work, in your art, it will show through in your actions, your words and those who know you, will wonder what is wrong.
Do not be too proud to admit you need time out, to admit you need time to recharge.

You are worth it.

DAILY PROMPT: But… IS it a job?

I’m a stay at home Mum. I don’t have a 9-5 job like a lot of people, I don’t go out in the mornings and come home in the evenings.

My job is supposedly getting up in the mornings, getting breakfasts for the kids, getting their bags packed and the older kids off to school then keeping the little ones amused all day until the older ones come home. Then it’s getting tea organised, bathing kids and settling them in for the night.
Add a lot of games, laughter, smiles, book reading, messy play, cooking, etc…
That’s not how I work though.

If that’s what a Mum does, I’m an absolute failure, an utter disgrace to the human race.

I find it easy to wake up in the mornings, but it’s getting out of bed that I find hard. Some mornings, I am actually scared of getting out of bed.
Scared of what my children have to accuse me of, scared of stepping on someone’s toes from making the wrong lunches, using the wrong bread, putting the wrong pieces of fruit into the lunch boxes, scared about getting all the breakfasts ready and then having people complain it wasn’t what they wanted or were promised from someone else the night before.
Because of all that morning crap, I feel it is easier if I don’t exist in the mornings until the kids have gone to school.

In an ideal world I would be respected, loved, appreciated.
People would realise that I put time and love into what I do, no matter how big or small it is.
I would be able to have fun with my kids without worrying about what others think of me.
I would be able to finger paint, play with play-dough, make mud pies and splash in muddy puddles with the kids.
In an ideal world the kids would enjoy being around me, they would enjoy doing things with me.
In an ideal world, I wouldn’t have to worry about what my kids are saying to extended family about me.

Sometimes I think it would be easier to cease existing. To disappear into thin air. Let my hubby and his family raise our children without me as I believe they (the kids & in-laws) think I am not worthy of being their mum, of sharing the same surname that they have.

This may not be what is actually the case, but it is what the voice in my head tells me every second of every minute of every hour of every day, week, month and year…

It cuts deep inside and my self esteem continues to plummet into depths I didn’t know were imaginable. Deeper than I have ever experienced before.

I shouldn’t be like this. I am a MUM, I should be the Matriarch of my little family, working side by side with my hubby, raising our kids the best way we know how.
We will never be “perfect”- I don’t believe anyone ever is perfect, but I do know that we are all capable of doing our best.

Unfortunately for me,  these days doing my best is actually getting out of bed, giving the little ones a hug sometime throughout the day, watching some TV with them and attempting to help my eldest children with their homework until they decide to tell me off for not giving them the answers to the questions asked in their homework books. (I’m one of those “bad” Mums who rewords the questions in a way which will make my kids think differently about the question, approach it in a different way and hopefully work out the answer for themselves rather than just saying “here- this is the answer…”)



My dream job would be to run my own small business.

I have it all thought out in my head and hope to one day, possibly have this dream come true.
I know it will be a lot of hard work, long hours and a lot of love, sweat and tears.

I will have a little shop/museum/café in a country town. In it there will be a variety of collectables and antiques from my (and my hubby’s) personal collections as well as similar items for sale.
There will also be a little café selling home-style biscuits, cakes, slices, scones and other light meals. Beverages will include tea, coffee, milkshakes, smoothies and juices as well as pre-packaged drinks (soft drinks, etc).

I would go one step further by also offering for sale craft items and jams, chutneys and other tasty products made by people living in the district with a % of the profits going back to the community.