It has been quite a while since I wrote a blog entry about what is on my mind. I think it’s been 6 weeks or so now.
I just don’t know what to think.
I feel that I have let my husband and children down by not being able to be the person they feel I should be for them.
My anxiety and depression has seemed to take over me.
I decided to make a positive change in my life by focusing on eating healthy, controlling my portion sizes (I’ve been known to indulge on foods I really enjoy a little too much), and trying to better my fitness by exercising at least a few times a week. I have been enjoying going for brisk walks and doing gardening.
I even signed up to participate in a government health initiative to help me keep aiming for my goals of losing weight and getting fitter. I am not following the plans exactly, but I don’t try to dwell on my “stuff ups” too much, I just try to see tomorrow as a fresh start and keep going.
But I feel lost.
I feel as though a part of me is dying. I can’t quite put my finger on it.
I find that I am continuously imagining scenarios of where we are a happy family- where we have no worries in life, where the kids aren’t constantly fighting or in tears. I just want us to all be happy- my hubby, our 4 kids and me.
I believe we deserve to be happy.
Unfortunately though- I can’t help but feel that I am the common denominator as to why everyone is always upset, feeling hurt, frustrated and just becoming angry in general.
I feel I am re-living my childhood again. Not all of it though- just the bad bits. The bits I would rather forget. The bits I never wanted MY children to experience.
It scares me.
I don’t want to fall into a hole so deep that I can’t find a way out. I have been there before, as a teenager, when I was constantly being bullied by my peers at school.
It was at that time in my life that I didn’t want to live any longer- the only thing I felt I had to live for was my grandparents and my pets. If it wasn’t for them, I don’t think I would be here today.
I want to enjoy life again. I want to go on picnics with my family. I want to teach my children lots of things that I learnt as a child.
I just feel that whenever I suggest something, it isn’t taken seriously.
I don’t know what to say anymore without feeling stupid about it.
I want to be taken seriously.
If I am passionate about something, I’ll fight for it. If I truly believe that it is unachievable, I won’t chase it. I’ll just let it go… for now.
Everything happens for a reason- if it isn’t meant to be then it won’t happen… but dreams CAN and DO come true.