In the blink of an eye

In the blink of an eye things can change.

Well, not actually change, but there may be one moment of your life where you suddenly say “Whoa!” and realise that the life you’re living is not really like the life most of your friends are living.

You never realised it before, but you’re actually a nobody in a world full of somebodies.

Before i met my husband, i was an equal with all the people i knew. I had been raised in a modest home with “Use your common sense” as pretty much the only hard and fast rule set out for my life from those who raised me.
I had lots of pets so was always kept busy (and out of trouble) looking after those animals. I earnt money from buying, breeding and selling pets. I enjoyed it, it was fun, i learnt many lessons doing so.
I had a small group of close friends.

Fast forward to when my husband and I started dating. We often went to music concerts. I assumed it was because he enjoyed music (I have a big love of music too), but more often than not, each concert we’d go to, we’d end up backstage after the show chatting with the artist/band/singer for a while- sometimes a short while, other times for hours. It all depended on the night.
He never made a big deal out of it, so i guess that’s why i guess i just took it in my stride and assumed that was how people usually behaved at concerts (NB: I had never really been to concerts before meeting him.) Occasionally we’d travel hundreds or thousands of Kms around the country following particular bands or singers. They were always glad to see him at their shows.

The more children we had, the less live music we got to see. I was OK with that. We could still listen to our favourite music at home or in the car.

As the children started to grow up a bit more, hubby’s amount of participation in his favourite sport increased too. Not only did he still play for the local Club, he was now also playing in Representative teams and Master’s Competitions as well as receiving calls to play elsewhere in Invitational tournaments. He seemed to be getting quite a reputation for not only all the time and effort he puts into promoting the sport and increasing participation across all programs/age groups, but also for how he himself plays.
He had also been called up on a few occasions to take part in campaigns and promotions, some of which have been used Nationally, on TV and online.

This brings me back to the beginning of this post.
How, in the blink of an eye, your life can change when you realise just how different things are now to what they once were.

Going through the contacts in mine and Hubby’s phone, there are quite a few well known names. People who i never expected to meet face to face in my life, let alone have their personal contact details.
Those of Musicians who i admired growing up and into my adult life, Artists who i have highly respected and admired for as long as i can remember, TV/Social Media Personalities, Elite Sportsmen and women who currently play or did play at State, National and International levels and other well respected people.
I know, at the end of the day, all these people are just like you and I, but some days when I get a chance to just sit down, think and reflect, I can’t quite believe that these people have been willing to want to give us their contact details, let alone want to know as as more than just “that random spectator or audience member”.

It all seems to happen in the blink of an eye.

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Simple Pleasures

  • A smile from a stranger
  • The sun shining on your back
  • Warm hands on a cold day
  • Patting a baby animal
  • Finding money you forgot you put in a safe place
  • Talking to a close friend
  • Hearing a favourite song on the radio
  • Having a loved one kiss or hug you for no reason
  • Looking through old photos
  • A full tank of fuel
  • Licking cake batter off a spoon
  • Seeing a shooting star
  • Stopping to smell the roses
  • Jumping in puddles

Drowning

A sea of blackness wraps itself around me.
It’s embrace tightens itself like a noose around my neck.
The coldness of an arctic sea runs through me.
I feel colder, much colder, limp and more lifeless than ever before.

I try to call out but there is no noise.
I have no voice, there is no one left to hear my cries for help.
I try to grab something to stop me falling.
To stop me falling to my bitter end, but nothing is within reach.

The stark vastness, the nothingness, the neglected soulless body hangs limply.
As limp as a wet sheet of paper during torrential rain.
I am cold, bitterly cold. Cold water makes my skin burn like it is on fire.
A fire which can’t be put out as it doesn’t exist to start with.

Something starts to open up. There is a flicker of light in what seems to be a tunnel.
Far far away, the more i reach for it, the further away it seems to get.
A sense of confusion followed by disbelief and then panic.
Is this real? What is happening? Who’s there!?

A sense of calm washes over me. It is getting lighter. Much lighter and brighter.
The tightness around my neck vanishes. I am no longer restrained.
I am no longer cold. A sense of warmth pumping through my veins also washes over me.
I open my mouth and hear myself for the first time. I now have a voice.

I am free.

Backflip

Less than 24 hours ago, i was in a room surrounded by women my age as well as a generation younger.
We were having a discussion which would have us learn about each other, about the other generation as well as learning about ourselves. It was extremely interesting.

If you’ve been following me for a while- you probably would’ve come to know that i have issues believing in myself, my mental health hasn’t been the best most of the time…..

Last night i had a new lease of life. I believed a small part of me could be successful like other women in the group from within my age group, i had a feeling that i WAS capable of almost anything i set my mind to.

This afternoon however, i came crashing back down to Earth. My 15yr old had to get her hair cut. The last time she had it cut would have been almost 3 years ago i guess. She got the grumps at the hairdressers so i told her we could just go home and not worry about getting it cut but she said it had to be cut as we were there anyway.
So, she had the slightest trim off the bottom to just level it off. It was something i could have easily done at home. I wasn’t angry that she made me feel like a worthless piece of shit at the Hair Salon, i was disappointed that she didn’t see anything wrong with putting me down in such a way in public. I shouldn’t have been surprised though as she has done it many times before and i am sure she will probably do it again in the future- it’s just who she is i guess.

When we got home, she started complaining about me making her get her hair cut. I was back at home so just went into the bedroom and started crying. I felt so bad, so worthless. I felt i was such a failure. Hours later, i still feel just as bad about myself. So much so, that i feel i should be punished in some way. I don’t know how but i feel like i should be treated like shit as i am not worthy of anything better.

I hate feeling like this but for so many years it has been my normal. Once in a blue moon (like last night), I am shown a glimmer of hope, a flicker of how my life could be if i wasn’t always so down and miserable.

I wish i could just snap out of it and cheer up. But i can’t.

This is what depression and anxiety looks like.

Time and Tide

Time flies so fast
The tide washes away what i live for
Tuesday quickly turns into Thursday
Tundra landscapes disappear for another winter

Under the cover of darkness i cry
Ugly memories surface at the most inappropriate times
Uttering under my breath, i try and make it all stop
Useless is how i feel most days of the week

Silence is something i never experience anymore
Sometimes i just wish i was dead
Studying others faces is something i do way too much
Sunny blue skies no longer make me as happy as they used to do

 

The invisible noose

For days, weeks and months
The noose has been getting tighter.
Tighter and tighter around my throat
Space to breathe or swallow feels almost non-existent.

Eating causes much discomfort
Food is like a coarse file,
Grating away the at insides of my throat
Food sticks in my throat like a hook in a fish’s mouth.

I’m not trying to be difficult
I just can’t find food that doesn’t hurt.
I am not being a snob to your cooking
I am sometimes scared to eat because of the swallowing.

I am scared as i don’t know what’s happening
An invisible noose tightens around my throat.
No amount of begging or praying loosens it
I have no control, none whatsoever.

 

Such a Hindrance

I have felt like such a hindrance for quite some time now.

I have surgery tomorrow, but can’t help but feel i am such a huge hindrance to society. I will be getting an ovarian cyst removed which should be straight-forward surgery but i can’t help but think that internally, the surgeons will find something worse. Cancer? I don’t know.
But i have this gut feeling that all the pain i have been in for the past several months isn’t a good sign. I think it’s more than just the “simple cyst”.

I mean, i have been in pain for years and years… decades even. The locations of the pain vary from day to day, week to week. To me it is “normal”. I do not know life without pain. I do not know what true silence is; i have Tinnitus so late at night is when the sounds within my head are at their loudest. To me, trying to get to sleep when all is “quiet”, to me is actually deafening and next to impossible at times. I am kept awake for hours after everyone is already fast asleep due to the noises within.

My hearing is worsening too which is scaring me. There has been a gradual worsening of my hearing impairment over the past 5 years, but it seems to have got a lot worse over the past few months. It almost happened suddenly. I now have to lip read a lot or get people to speak up so i can hear them.

Surely the world would be better off without me? I mean, i can’t hear people talking as well as the majority of the population, i am constantly in pain, my health isn’t the best.
If i was an animal, a human in charge of me would be legally allowed to have me euthanized but because i am a human, it is illegal to do just that.

I just want to have a meaning, i want to mean something to people- especially those who supposedly love me.
I want to feel needed by someone…

I want to feel loved…

I don’t want to be a hindrance anymore.

Life gets trickier as you get older.

The older i get, the less i am enjoying life.

It has even got to the point where some days i really truly wished i didn’t exist.
It is like no matter what i do or say… or DON’T do or say, is never good enough for anybody.

I have a low enough self esteem as it is and am trying to deal with everything else going on in my life- most of which i don’t really understand to start with.
Having to feel unwanted and such an inconvenience to the world almost every day is really upsetting, but i hate showing that i am upset so i try to mask it which can be overwhelmingly exhausting at times.

Why can’t people just respect others and realise that we are all unique, we are all different, we all have own struggles and daily battles. What one person finds easy and no trouble- may be next to impossible for someone else and cause them so much stress and anxiety that they may just take their own life because of how it makes them feel?

Before you say or do something… just think for a second and ask yourself if it will have a negative impact on someone around you.

Don’t be the reason someone takes their life today.

Exhausted.

Today i saw my psychologist and we had a good chat about my recent health issues, family, friends, life in general, work and a few dark shadows of my past kept rising to the surface during our chat.

We spoke of life, death, caring for loved ones, suicidal thoughts, past interests & hobbies… many were things that i have not openly spoken about in quite a long while.
In a way it felt good to talk about things again… but it was an emotional roller coaster.

I didn’t realise that my teen years still played such a huge part in my life.

She picked up on it long before i did during our chat. I am glad she did. She knows that my mind may put ideas and thoughts into my head but i am smart enough to not let those bad thoughts take over my life and completely rule what i do.
That is something i am very thankful of, as if i played out some of the things that go on in my mind… i would either be in all sorts of trouble….. or dead.

Tonight i am completely and utterly exhausted. More than i have been in a long while.

I’m not sure if the exhaustion is due to old memories that resurfaced today, or if it was because this was the first time i had worked in about 6 weeks, or because i have just been so busy today- i have been on the go for close to 17 hours almost non-stop.

Now, it is time for bed and sleep.

I hope to get a good sleep. I don’t have to worry about an alarm tomorrow as i don’t have to work.

Good night everybody.

 

Low, lower, lowest

That’s pretty much how my self esteem has gone today.

I feel like no matter what or how much i do or don’t do, it will never be good enough for those around me.

There is always at least one person who has something negative to say, and usually one or two more to confirm their negativity, making the comment maker feel good about being rude towards others.

It really gets to me. It takes me back to the many years of bullying i had to put up with throughout my childhood, teens and into my early adult years.
Those words never leave you, and each time you hear them again- they usually end up with the victim having flashbacks of their troubled past.

I just wish it would stop.

If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.