No Control

Shaking.
Uncontrollable urges that don’t allow me to stand still.
I shake when i don’t want to.
Because of people who can’t control their anger.

I cry.
Tears of fear roll down my cheeks.
Those who made me cry show no remorse.
Heartless creatures with no soul whatsoever.

Anxiety grows.
I can’t function as i used to.
I constantly watch over my shoulder.
I fear the animal who has no intention of stopping the torment.

Depression sets in.
The threats, the anger, the heartlessness.
It’s all too much to handle, my body can’t take it.
My mind starts to thin violent thoughts of self-harm.

Death seems safer.
It seems like a better option than living.
It makes me feel like it’s the option to take the pain away.
There seems to be no other way t make things better.

I plead.
I plead for help.
I scream out for help but i have no voice.
No one can see my pain or hear me reaching out for the help i need.

It’s gone full circle.
My body trembles and shakes.
I am back to where i started, I’m shaking.
Those uncontrollable urges are back and i can’t stand still…

Overthinking

I was just briefly chatting to a friend on a social media site and she mentioned how crazy it is that we often bump into each other online at some crazy hour of the night/morning… like now.

I do agree with her. Why do we often find it so hard to relax our minds and bodies of an evening, why is it so hard to get ready for a restful night’s sleep? Why does it seem hard to allow our bodies the time it needs to recharge and get ready for the following day?

I jokingly said to her i believe that i am most creative at this hour, she thought a similar thing adding that we must also stay awake due to the snoring coming from the rest of the household sleeping.

And yes, I am typing this while i sit on the bed, my husband laying down next to me, snoring- quite loudly at times… and also passing wind much louder and more projected than what he seems capable of when he is awake.

That’s not the only reason why i am awake though, i feel the biggest cause of my insomnia is due to so many things going through my mind. Some of the things i can pinpoint but most of them i can’t. I am sure it’s something in my subconscious mind that i must try to block out most of the time, but once i relax enough and start to feel creative… that’s when those locked away thoughts come flooding back to the forefront of my mind and interrupt my train of thought, stall my ability to get tired enough to fall asleep or influence my mind so much that i trigger myself and end up having an anxiety attack.
It really is not a good feeling, not being able to  control my own thoughts. It often makes me feel child-like again, child-like in a bad way. It makes me feel useless and unwanted plus that main thing i have noticed is that these bad thoughts seem to be magnetic- they attract other people to take out their frustrations on me. Other people seem to put me down or blame me for things i have no control over when i am feeling bad about myself.

I need to learn how to live in the moment more. I need to learn to stop over thinking.

But how does one NOT overthink?

What a mess…

This morning i was trying to write a letter but for the life of me, i couldn’t seem to get the words out right. It was almost as if i wasn’t meant to be saying what i wanted to say.

I am going to go over it again sometime and see if i can edit it to make it sound right and come out how i want it to.

All i could manage this morning was getting many different thoughts our of my mind and onto a page as words, individually they made sense, but together it was just a heap of jumbled nonsense.

I hope i can get away from this writers block and get back to having words flow freely so i can express myself how i want without sounding like a complete mess.

Free the love within

Do not hold love within your heart for fear of your heart being broken.

Free the love within.

Do not hold back from telling someone how much they mean to you for fear of the unknown.

Free the love within.

Do not stop loving someone because of ignorance or a lack of understanding.

Free the love within.

Don’t ever stop loving for fear of running out of love as love is never-ending.

Free the love within.

Do reach out to those with a tear running down their cheek, they need love at this moment.

Free the love within.

Do accept love from others with open arms and give love to others just as freely.

Free the love within.

Do be accepting of everyone; we all have pain, joy and sorrow, we all deserve to love and be loved.

Free the love within.

Just as the butterfly flutters away from the sweetly scented flower, you too must learn to…

Free the love within.

DP: Writing Space

In all my years of writing, I would have to say that some of my best writing was done at school. After I had completed my work and had some spare time I would absorb myself in my folder and let all my thoughts spill onto the pages of my notebook. I had a vivid imagination, and along with the bullying I had to endure, I found it very easy to write my poems.

In more recent times, I have done my writing on the laptop. It’s usually done when on the bed propped up against a pile of pillows. I find it easiest to write alone, but am able to write when I have company. When I write I find that I sort of switch off and ignore what is going on around me which is why I write alone as I don’t want to be rude and ignore anyone of they’re talking to me and I’m switched into writing mode.

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/dp_prompt/writing-space/

Writing 101: Day Eleven. Home is where you heart lives for ever…

A family of 4. It sounds quite typical, doesn’t it? Not for this little black duck- my family situation has always been a bit different to that of all my friends.
When I was 12 years old it was me, my Mum and her parents (Nan and Pop to me). Nan and Pop raised me more than what Mum actually did as Mum was only a child herself when she had me. Nan and Pop were parent figures to me, although I always knew that Mum was my Mum. It was just that we never got on as well as what my friends and their Mums did.

When I was 12 years old, we all lived (reasonably happily) in the house Pop had bought the year before he and Nan got Married. It was an old post-war home.
It was originally fibro with a corrugated iron roof, but over the years it had been clad with weatherboards and aluminium tiles.

My Pop had a beautiful garden in both the front and back yards. I loved to help him keep them looking their best. Weeding the gardens, mowing the lawns, fertilising, watering, dead-heading flowers, planting- I did it all, with Pop’s assistance that is.
Living in an older area (most people were around my grandparents ages), we would often have unofficial “garden competitions”. A lot of the time it was between us and a couple of other neighbours along our street.

Our house was on a 4 lane “main” road. We had a zebra crossing a couple of houses down the street from us and a large block of land across the road which had been the local hospital. The hospital relocated when I was about 7 years old. There were plans to do a lot with the land- an ambulance station, a community health centre, trauma centre, mothercraft society, nursing home… I think when I was 12, there may have been some of these buildings newly built here.

We lived in a Suburb on the cusp of becoming a city due to the number of people living there. It may have just become a city actually, I can’t remember exactly. There were only single storey houses near where I lived. There were only a couple of double storey places- I always looked at those houses like they were big mansions. Heck- I look at “brick houses” as being fancy, as compared to what I was living in… a brick house WAS fancy! (I would later grow up to understand living in a brick house isn’t fancy at all… living in an older house had a lot more character.)
A few blocks behind out house was a housing estate. It was full of Housing Commission houses (places the government rented out to low income/poor families). Unfortunately, around this time- the Estate got a nickname- “The Bronx”. It turned into a slum, there were a minority group of residents where the whole family did not have any respect or care for their home. Some would burn fires in close proximity to the house, there was an increase in violence, theft, burglaries, and hooliganism.
The media thought it would be a good idea to give a lot of attention to all the trouble that was happening and this in turn made things worse. Next thing we knew, there were often police helicopters hovering overhead, spotlights brightly shining down in our backyards looking for criminals.

Thankfully, the trouble was confined to that estate.
As strange as it sounds, it was still safe enough for me to walk my dog through that estate without worrying about being hurt. It was as though we had a mutual respect for each other.
The criminals and drug dealers knew we weren’t going to cause trouble so they left us alone. We left them alone because we had no need to interact with them, other than saying hi as we walked past each other (just to be friendly and community minded of course).

When I was 12, I lived in a little safe haven. A modest 3 bedroom house with 3 people who loved me and a lot of pets to keep me busy and out of trouble. I could walk to school in about ten minutes, had some great friends and didn’t really have anything to worry about.

How great it would be to be 12 years old again…..

Writing 101: Day ten. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

For many of my birthdays during my childhood, I was always given a Birthday Party at a local McDonalds store.

It wasn’t actually the food there that gave me many happy memories. Sure, I was a “big boned” girl, I enjoyed my food… sometimes too much.
I loved getting stuck into a Happy Meal. Was it always a “happy” meal? No, not always, but it did make me think that I was loved enough to be allowed to have this food, to get one of the toys attached with the meal.

One of the things I loved most was it was times like this that we got a lot of the family together and I could have friends over too, all at the same time.

Being an only child meant I never had a lot of company from peers around my own age. I would look at the friends of my Mum and grandparents as my “friends”. My friends at home were my pets. I always had a dog, lots of birds, fish… I even had lambs, ducks and chickens, mice, guinea pigs and occasionally rabbits as pets over the years.

But the plain old boring Happy Meal and the party that went with it always brought family and friends together. It was an occasion I would look forward to for a long time beforehand. Other than having all my friends around on this special day- my favourite bit was the ice-cream cake! Nothing beats an ice cream cake.

In recent years I have requested an ice-cream cake for my birthday, but the recipe must have been changed or something as it has never been exactly as I remembered it during my childhood.
No matter what store we bought it from, or what brand of ice-cream was used… I can’t seem to replicate those childhood memories.

Not to worry though, they were my childhood years. The times when I didn’t have to worry about much. I had family, friends and pets who loved me for who I was.

I can always find a new favourite celebratory food. Lemon cheesecake or Vanilla cheesecake is high on the list but I’m not sure if it is everything I want a celebration to be.
It could be something as simple as cocktail frankfurts and lots of tomato sauce to dip them in that brings back old memories, maybe top it off with some coconut ice… that’s something that brings back good memories too.

Writing 101: Day 8. THE CREEP

The gnarly old shrub started to move. It wasn’t the wind.
Then, I saw an arm reach out. There was a man, he was digging around for something. I knew there was nothing to be found there other than a bit of rubbish that had blown against the fence or the leaves from the deciduous trees growing nearby. Was he looking for treasure? Maybe it was a place he had arranged for someone to hide something for him to collect at a later time? Was he a drug dealer? A user?

I wouldn’t be worried as a general rule, what people do with their lives is their own decision. Everyone has the right to make their own choice- good or bad. They are almost always the ones who have to put up with the consequences.
But this was different. Here was a man dressed up in layers of clothing and wearing a big wide brimmed hat in the grounds of a Public Swimming Pool/Leisure Centre/Gym. He did not fit in one little bit. I very much doubted he worked there as he had no sign of a uniform on, nor was he acting like he belonged there.

He crawled out from under the shrub and started to wander around. He stopped, crouched down and picked something up. He walked over to a concrete water recycling tank and hurled the object at it. It smashed into a million pieces. He had picked up a glass bottle, now it was shattered. Pieces of glass littered the ground where Boot Camp was held on an almost daily basis.
Had he done this on purpose to injure someone? Someone he knew or an innocent stranger? He looked over at me. He was far enough away that I couldn’t make out his face, yet I knew by his body language that he was looking over towards me in what I felt was a threatening way.

He continued to walk around with a large stick in his hand, scratching at the ground, scratching through the leaf litter, flicking it around as though he knew there was something of value hidden there.
Once again he stopped dead still. Looking down at something for a short while, he contemplated his next move. He reached down and this time, picked up a stick. He then proceeded to walk towards the fence and without any warning, he hurled the stick over the fence, missing a car by only a few inches, the stick bounced across to the other side of the road. He walked back to where he had picked the stick up from and picked up another of a similar size. Once again, he walked over near the fence and lobbed it high into the air. This time it only just missed a car that was driving past.
He looked over in my direction, as if to say “Next time it’ll be coming your way”, then turned and walked off.

This left me feeling quite puzzled as to why he was scratching around there and even more puzzled as to why he was there in the first place.
I have seen carloads of youths loitering around the car park at all hours of the night, long after the pool and gym had closed. Was he looking for something they had left behind?

Soon after, the chemical truck arrived to deliver a load of Chlorine.
As soon as the truck arrived, the man hurried off, briskly walking down towards the pool area. Was he known to the driver of the truck?

I did not know if I should have gone over to the pool and reported what I saw or just not said anything? If I did report it, would what I tell them be taken as a fact or just something in my imagination?
If I did say something and he was found and dealt with, would he then come after me? I hope I don’t see him ever again, but I can’t be sure that will be the case.

The way he behaved, the things he did, the body language… it all screamed CREEP!

Doing things the “old school” way.

Being stuck at an airport terminal (or anywhere really) for 6+ hours with no electrical devices wouldn’t worry me in the least.

Depending on how prepared I was, I’d have a note book and pen with me, possibly even a couple of different colours which would allow me to doodle or write.
I currently have pen pals, so if I have letters waiting to be replied to, I could write to my pen pals. Otherwise I may decide to write a random story based loosely around passengers who walk past me, I might even pen a poem.
If my children were with me I would most likely play I-spy with them, maybe some games of noughts and crosses and hangman to pass the time for a while.

There are lots of things that can be done to pass the time without having to rely on technology.

People watching & “commentary games” can be fun.
If there are people in another room, you could start a game where you and a friend each choose a person/character and do the speaking/commentary, reacting to how their body language is.

It can be a lot of fun to get away from technology and electronics for a while…

You should try it sometime…
(But nor before you finish reading my blog.) 😛

 

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/dp_prompt/terminal-time/

A list of completely random sentences.

Reading this week’s Weekly Writing Challenge (http://dailypost.wordpress.com/dp_writing_challenge/list-lesson/) made me want to write a list of completely random sentences. I thought it might be a bit of fun and hope you enjoy reading it.

1. The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog.

2. My Mum tries to be cool by saying that she likes all the same things that I do.

3. If the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy had babies would they take your teeth and leave chocolate for you?

4. A purple pig and a green donkey flew a kite in the middle of the night and ended up sunburnt.

5. What was the person thinking when they discovered cow’s milk was fine for human consumption… and why did they do it in the first place!?

6. Last Friday in three week’s time I saw a spotted striped blue worm shake hands with a legless lizard.

7. Wednesday is hump day, but has anyone asked the camel if he’s happy about it?

8. If Purple People Eaters are real… where do they find purple people to eat?

9. A song can make or ruin a person’s day if they let it get to them.

10. Sometimes it is better to just walk away from things and go back to them later when you’re in a better frame of mind.

11. Writing a list of random sentences is harder than I initially thought it would be.

12. Where do random thoughts come from?

13. Lets all be unique together until we realise we are all the same.

14. I will never be this young again. Ever. Oh damn… I just got older.

15. If I don’t like something, I’ll stay away from it.

16. I love eating toasted cheese and tuna sandwiches.

17. If you like tuna and tomato sauce- try combining the two. It’s really not as bad as it sounds.

18. Someone I know recently combined Maple Syrup & buttered Popcorn thinking it would taste like caramel popcorn. It didn’t and they don’t recommend anyone else do it either.

19. Sometimes, all you need to do is completely make an ass of yourself and laugh it off to realise that life isn’t so bad after all.

20. When I was little I had a car door slammed shut on my hand. I still remember it quite vividly.

21. The clock within this blog and the clock on my laptop are 1 hour different from each other.

22. I want to buy a onesie… but know it won’t suit me.

23. I was very proud of my nickname throughout high school but today- I couldn’t be any different to what my nickname was.

24. I currently have 4 windows open up… and I don’t know why.

25. I often see the time 11:11 or 12:34 on clocks.

26. This is the last random sentence I will be writing and I am going to stop mid-sent