Waiting for the unknown.

The days seem to drag on so slowly yet the days are flying by so very fast.
The past few weeks have gone by in no time at all.

So much yet so little has happened.

I am still running on autopilot, yet i am falling apart.
I stay strong for most of the day, yet at night i almost always fall to pieces and tears flow freely.

With everything that has been happening, and with how i was hoping to not have to visit a doctor for a long time, i bit the bullet and made an appointment with my Family Doctor.
I told her what’s been happening and she has kick started the process of keeping my health in check.

Then and there, she gave me a breast examination. Thankfully i am fine. For now.
I have to have check ups every two years, or sooner if i feel or notice a change.
I feel guilty though- knowing my breasts are healthy. Knowing my Nan is, and possibly my Mum could be, living day by day not knowing when there time is up.

My Mum has no clue how sick her mother is, she is in denial. Even with her own health. I spoke to her yesterday, telling her she should go and have a chat with her doctor and get checked out. Her response was “I’m not worried, it’ll go away soon and i’ll be back to normal.” She is also convinced that Nan is going to get better.
I can’t bring myself to tell her otherwise as i know she won’t be able to cope knowing the truth.

I am doing everything i can to look after my Nan as her health gets worse.
I try to help Mum, but it’s like talking to a brick wall. Nothing is going to happen.

I have to try to look after myself too but some days i just don’t feel like eating. Some days i can’t get to sleep at night as my mind is in overdrive thinking about every possible thing there is for me to think about.
Some days i wonder why i care so much. Why i care so much that i hope and pray that my loved ones can be healthy and it was me that was at the end of my life. I wish i could switch bodies, to be able to take their pain and worries away.

On top of all this, my back pain has come back with a vengeance. I don’t know if it is due to the stress of the past few weeks, if it is simply due to bad posture or something entirely different. I have even wondered if i have something more sinister going on within my body- within my bones and muscles?
I know reading up about cancer can have one wondering if their own aches and pains could be a cancer, but knowing that cancer has affected so many of my family members, i can’t help but wonder if it is eating me up too?
Is this why i have had back pains for so long? Could it be a cancer that the doctors have not considered?

I just don’t know what to think anymore.

I just wish i was capable of doing more than i currently do.

Digging for information and Dr Google…

OK, So last week my Grandma had the biopsies done. She was supposed to get the results yesterday but nothing much was mentioned at the Dr’s clinic. Only that there was something and it had spread to the lymph nodes and she had to see a specialist at a local hospital who will go through everything in detail with her.

Today when i was at her house, she asked me to check some paperwork and forms- which i did, for her.
It was the results and paperwork for the specialist that she has to see.
There were so many “big words” among the results. But it does indeed look like it is advanced breast cancer and cancer in the lymph nodes.
I’m not sure if it has spread further, but now knowing what i do, it would not surprise me if it has spread to the lungs as well, as she is finding it very hard to breathe and to walk more than about 10 metres at a time.

I am trying so very hard to stay strong.
I was doing well (I thought), until i did a Google search of the cancer and looked up the life expectancy of someone with it. Depending on the severity of the cancer and it’s stage, there is a life expectancy of approximately one month to about 2 years if the patient goes through radiation or chemotherapy. My Grandma has said numerous times now that if it is bad, she does not want to have any treatment or operations, she just wants to be kept as pain free as possible and allowed to die with dignity.

I can’t begin to imagine what life is going to be like without her…
I can’t imagine Christmas without her…

I know it’s greedy for me to want to keep her here on Earth, to keep her alive, but if the pain gets worse than what it already is, she doesn’t deserve to suffer anymore.

I guess it is times like this that the euthanasia debate comes into play again.
I don’t believe my Grandma would willingly want to end her life just yet, but if the pain becomes unbearable, i do believe that she should have the choice and be able to make it herself, rather than have her body shut down on her and possibly have her suffer more than she has to.

I knew that my Grandma getting sick would happen… but this is tearing me apart internally. I am doing my best to hold myself together, especially when i am with her, but when i am alone………..

…………………………that’s when it hurts me the most.

Time to vent…

As this is my “safe space” to express my feelings and thoughts, here i am saying that life is not fucking fair at times.

For the past week my life has been crazy. I found out my grandma (who raised me) has been keeping health issues to herself for a number of months.
It looks like she may have breast cancer, the same cancer that took her own Mum’s life. It is scary as i can’t help but wonder if this is genetic.

On top of my Grandma’s troubles, my Mum also dropped a bombshell on us saying she has also been experiencing some symptoms of Breast Cancer. My Mum, however, is stubborn. She will not get checked out. No matter what i say, or any of the family, she knows best and is completely against going to talk to her GP about these issues she is now facing.

I want to drag her to the doctor and tell them what she has told us and get them to do tests and what not, but i know that’s NOT how the system works. As stubborn as my Mum may be, she still has basic human rights, she has the right to not get any help if that is her choice.

I have spent quite a bit of the past week with my Grandma, helping her, giving her the painkillers prescribed to her as needed, making sure she is eating- even if it is only a few spoonfuls at a time, doing housework, gardening and whatever else i can do to help her.
But doing all this also makes me feel guilty as i feel i am ignoring my own family. I DO care about them, but i feel a need to put my Grandma as my #1 priority at the moment. I don’t know how much longer i will have her around for… it could be a matter of days, weeks or months… or she may still be here in another 10 or 15 years time. Who knows.

She had biopsies done the other day and she gets the results of those next week. She is assuming it will be breast cancer (at least), but we don’t know for sure.

I’m just all over the place at the moment.

A part of me just wants to pack a bag of clothes and go for a road trip with no itinerary… just with good music turned up loud and the highway in front of me… driving to nowhere in particular.  But i know that doing that isn’t going to help my family nor myself. It might be good for me to do that eventually, but now is not the time as my Grandma needs me right now (as well as the rest of my family). Running away isn’t going to make things better for anyone.

I have to be strong when i’m around others. I cry a lot when i am alone. I guess it is how i cope. It may not be the best coping method, but it’s what i do. It’s definitely cheaper than shopping… i don’t know why i spend money when i am upset but i do. Spending does not make me happy, if anything it makes me feel bad as i am trying hard to save money at the moment to put towards a few things i am saving up for.
I guess i also try to cope with all this by making jokes. If you can’t laugh at something that is hurting you, then it will eat you up. That’s not something that i want to happen.

When life throws you in the gutter, you’ve either got to get comfortable down there or get up and brush yourself off and try to continue on from where you left off.

Tomorrow i will spend another day with my Grandma.
And i will do some baking. Maybe it will entice her to eat something?