A blank canvas

I have not yet been to bed (obviously- I wouldn’t be writing this if I was fast asleep) but later this morning, and for most of today I will have the house to myself.

I really do not know if I should be excited about it or not.

It’s great not having to hear the children arguing or complaining, but it is also a time when thoughts flood into my head more than ever.
Thoughts of “what if” situations, times when I question myself for things that happen that are out of my control, thoughts of me questioning my own questions.

My mind goes into overdrive, it’s something I cannot help. It’s just how I am.

Sometimes I envy people who can just watch TV or play cards all day. I can’t do that.

There are TV shows I enjoy watching, but I also have to be doing something else at the same time. Lately it has been writing letters to my pen pals, doing word or number puzzles or even doing tapestry (a type of needlework).

I sit here now writing this entry in my blog, but I am also checking in to my Facebook account. I would also usually have the TV on, for background noise of nothing else, but tonight it is turned off.
The silence is deafening. Having no white noise/background noise means my tinnitus seems to sounds louder than what it actually is. The high-pitched whistle and ringing is constant, it makes me want to pull my hair out and hit my head repeatedly against a brick wall.

It reminds me of my childhood when I did actually used to hit my head against a wall- thinking about it, I am pretty sure I only did it when I could hear “those noises” (as I used to call the Tinnitus before finding out what it was called) and I am sure my parents thought I was either being crazy or just a typical only child trying to gain someone’s attention- they most likely thought it to be the latter.

I doubt there will be much in the way of captivating shows on TV during the day, but I’m sure i’ll find something to listen to- the news updates, home shopping presentations (I’ve almost convinced myself that I NEED another gadget in the kitchen cupboards, a steam mop, home gym system, some new gold plated jewellery, and a 2 horse powered nutrient extractor!), fishing shows, rural current affair programs, music shows, movies, kids shows- it’s all on tomorrow sometime throughout the day.

I have a vague idea of what I’d LIKE to get done, but I’m not going to plan on doing it all- I might just see how things eventuate. If I get stuff done, then that’s great. If I don’t, I’ll learn not to stress over it and just think of the day as one where I got to chill out and relax.

It can be a day of recovery for both the mind and body.

No schedules, no deadlines, no rules.

Just relaxation.

Does pain really equal gain!?

The saying “No Pain, No Gain” is quite common and where it may ring true for some, it definitely does not ring true for me.

You know how everyone seems to know somebody who’s life is run by Murphy’s Law?
If something can go wrong, it will go wrong (to them).
Well, that person is more often than not me.

All the check outs at the supermarket will be empty, but when I have finished filling up my shopping trolley and head towards the registers… all the check outs have lines of people at them and when my turn does eventually come around, it’s always my items that don’t scan correctly and need someone to get a price check on what feels like every other item I am wanting to buy!

I recently ended up with a pinched nerve and bulged disc in my lower back. This is the 4th time in 3 years I have had it happen. The icing on the cake was when the nerve pinched a second time only 4 days later!
I pinched it a few weeks ago when I was transplanting vegetable seedlings into our raised garden bed. There was no heavy lifting involved, not even twisting my body into a strange position, I was simply hunched over the garden bed when y back went out.
If that wasn’t bad enough, life got even more pathetic when it happened again barely 4 days later. I was in a lot of pain and could barely get around (I was actually using crutches to get from my bed to the bathroom as I couldn’t put much weight on my legs at the time due to the pain) but nature called, so I had to go.
Flushing the toilet was the simple action that made my body spasm and send me to my knees (well, almost- I had my crutches to catch me this time). I couldn’t believe my luck (or lack of it).

This has been a lot of pain… but definitely no gain. If anything, it has put me back a fair bit.

Unfortunately I am not as optimistic as most of the people I know, but if I was to try and find some gain out of all my pain, I guess I could come to the conclusion that being in all this pain has caused me to completely lose my appetite and therefore as a result, over the past 3 weeks I have managed to lose over 6kgs.
This has been a great step for my weight loss journey, even though it wasn’t the best way to get things back on track, and I am hoping that now that my appetite is starting to come back I will be able to start enjoying healthy foods and keeping my portion sizes smaller than what they used to be.

To add to my pain, I can also safely say that my garden has gained-
a lot of weeds. Not to mention that almost every plant is needing it’s spent flowers to be removed (to promote more flowers), there are a few areas that need to be re-mulched as well.

Maybe tomorrow I will force myself to get out in the garden, even if it’s only for five or ten minutes at a time.

As they say… No pain, No gain.


Thinking Out Loud

Wondering what is in store for me
Tomorrow never arrives yet it is always today.
Yesterday is now just a memory,
A day I can recreate but not relive.

Moments in my life gone forever.
Not because I wished to forget but because I am unable to remember.
Special moments gone forever
The inability to recall such things is shattering.

Hopes for the future are my current dreams
Silently praying that things will change sooner rather than later.
Wanting a future for my family,
Wanting a better life for them to offer them more possibilities.

Yearning for good health
I am dreading the rest of my life if it continues like this.
Hoping my troubles are not genetic.
Wanting to sing, dance and play like a child once again.


It is 3:40am as I type this.
I am unable to sleep.

I am blaming the painkillers I am currently on for a back injury for my insomnia.

Last night I didn’t get to bed until 5am, just as the sun was starting to think about inching closer to the horizon before showing itself.

I hate being in pain. The drugs take the edge off it, but don’t make me better.

I am afraid I will end up addicted to my painkillers. I shouldn’t though as I am only on a low dose and only take them once or twice a day (I can take them 4 times a day if needed). I want to try and wean myself off them as I hate taking any type of medication.

My back has been troubling me for most of my adult life, but this latest injury happened about 2 weeks ago.
It isn’t much really- there are many people out there who are much worse off than what I am.

I simply have bulged discs and pinched nerves. I have other health issues that most likely do not help but it is something I have learnt to live with over the years.

Before I hurt my back I had a horrid flu/virus that had been doing the rounds of my community, my suburb, my city…

For the past month I guess, I haven’t eaten much compared to what I used to. Some days I might have 2 small meals, some days 1 meal, some days I may just graze on a few pieces of fruit over the course of a day.
In a way, I am happy as I am losing weight. I think I have lost well over 5kgs so far. I have been trying to lose weight and get fitter and healthier this year so in a way I guess this is a blessing in disguise, but I was wanting to do it in a healthy way. To reach my “ideal weight”, I still have to lose another 10-15kgs.

For the past fortnight I have pretty much been bedridden. I know being mobile is the best way to recover, but it just hurts so much if I have to stand or walk for more than half an hour, sometimes I can barely get around for a few minutes before I feel my spine compressing again and pinching back down on the nerves.
Sitting or laying in bed seems to give me the most relief, but even when I do that, I can get numbness, pain, tingling, pins and needles down my legs- usually my left leg. I truly hope o am not causing myself nerve damage, I don’t want to permanently damage my body more than what  has been done.

I’m not sure what can be done with me.
I have had the same back issue happen three years running now. It is seriously beyond a joke. I do not want to go through it again.
Last year it was so bad I ended up in hospital.
Earlier this year I felt my back getting a bit niggly so I had some sessions with a physiotherapist to nip it in the bud before it caused me trouble. I thought I’d got out of it but then it hit me and has had me on the sidelines for the past 2 weeks.

It is so frustrating.

Some days, laying in bed alone- with only the TV for company, my mind wanders off…
It would be so much easier for my family and friends if I wasn’t here. I feel like such a burden on everyone, needing my husband to help look after me like I am one of the children.
It really doesn’t make me feel very worthwhile.

I just want my body to be able to move and function normally.

It’s not funny anymore.

Over the majority of my life I have been in some sort of pain.

It has almost always been back or neck/shoulder pain.

This is the third year in a row that I have ended up with bulged discs in my back, pinched nerves and other pain.
Over the past week I have put my back out twice. The silliest thing is HOW I did it.
The first time was due to me being stooped/hunched over transplanting seedlings into a raised garden bed, then the second time I re-pinched the nerve when I flushed the toilet. I did it flushing the toilet!!! How idiotic does that sound!?

I would have much preferred to say I had done it lifting heavy items but that’s not the case.
Last year I ended up in hospital with very similar problems and it was all due to me shifting my weight from one butt cheek to the other.
Stupid little things like that, it’s unbelievable!

The worst thing is that it takes weeks, sometimes months to recover and get back to some type of “normal”. Although these days I don’t know what normal is.
To me, normal is having an almost constant pain/ache, but not enough to warrant taking pain killers as I have grown accustomed to the feeling. I wish this was NOT my “normal”, but I don’t know if anything can be done.

Last year the word “surgery” was spoken a couple of times but they also said the risks outweighed the positives and it would be best to just “take things easy”.
Easy to say when you’ve got a family. Easy to say to someone who has young children that want to be picked up and hugged and played with.

I’m now on hydromorphone and have the option to take paracetamol as well if the pain is bad enough. I don’t want to rely on pain killers, I hate taking medicines and rarely do take them unless I feel there is no other answer.
At the moment though, I feel it is the only way I can be out of pain, or at least have the edge taken off the pain. Once the medicine kicks in, it doesn’t actually take the pain away completely. I can still feel the pressure and discomfort.
I guess the comfort is in knowing that for a few hours (if I’m lucky) I won’t be able to experience the full impact of the pain until the medicine starts to wear off.

I have been through physiotherapy following each episode over the past 3 years (I even had some physiotherapy earlier this year when I felt my back was getting niggly. I wanted to nip it in the bud before things got worse.) but once the worst of this current episode is over, I don’t know what to do. I do plan on going to my doctor for a chat and seeing what they recommend. I don’t want to continue having this back trouble each year for the rest of my life.

I have enough other stuff to deal with without having to worry about a dodgy back. 😦

All I know is that this is something I wouldn’t wish upon anyone… not even my worst enemy.

What if someone had have reached out when someone else was in need?

The news of Robin Williams’ passing is still a shock to me.

I never knew him personally, but it still doesn’t stop me from getting upset when I see news coverage of him on TV.

It makes me wonder how much of what the media is saying is actually 100% true.

What was going through his mind in the days, hours, minutes leading up to when he passed away?
If someone had’ve simply asked “How are you feeling today?” would he still be here today?

Watching the news stories and past interviews he had done on TV, I can see the sadness in his eyes. Yes, he was a funny man. Yes, he brought a lot of joy and laughter to millions of people, but that didn’t necessarily mean he was happy within himself.

I just wish I knew answers. I am sure a lot of people wish they knew why.

Depression can be very crippling and it can drain a person of their livelihood, it can make them think things that they wouldn’t usually want to think about.
I know. I have been there. I am still there… or is that still here?
I have had the Black Dog with me for over 11 years now, but unofficially I think it could be a lot longer- possibly close to 20 years.
That’s a large portion of my life which, looking back on it, is very upsetting.

It never hurts to ask someone how they’re feeling.
It could even save their life.

It tastes bitter to me.

I have a lot of friends and family who rave over the majority of reality TV shows whereas I quite honestly, do not enjoy them at all.
I can sit through “The Voice: Blind Auditions”, but after that- it gets a bit beyond a joke.
I used to enjoy watching “Survivor”, but when they start dishing out season after season after season it starts to get quite boring… fast.
Give me a documentary any day. 🙂

I guess another thing that most people I know love but I don’t enjoy at all would be Chocolate Cake. Yes, I’m one of those “weirdos” who do not like Chocolate Cake. I never have liked it, I haven’t liked many cakes actually. Give me a plain cream & jam filled sponge and I’m a happy camper, but give me something fancier and I won’t eat it. I guess it’s just what I’ve grown used to with my life experiences.


What have i done to deserve this?

For the past 3 years I have hurt my back and it has put my life on hold until I was able to heal enough to get on with my life.

The first time it came as a surprise, the second time, it happened almost exactly a year later.
This year around the same time my back felt a bit niggly so I got some physiotherapy as a preventative measure and I thought everything was fine but late last week I hurt my back once again and have pretty much been bed ridden since.

I believe in Karma, getting back what you give out, but it makes me wonder what bad things I have done in my life to deserve to be hurt like this 3 years in a row.

It just doesn’t seem fair on me, my immediate family or my extended family (of whom I often help with their day to day chores and errands).
It isn’t fair on my husband needing to look after me like I am a child- I cannot even bathe myself without needing his assistance.

I went to my local medical centre and the doctor who saw me didn’t lay a hand on me, she simply stated that she wouldn’t give me strong pain killers as they can be addictive and to continue taking paracetamol (which doesn’t do much at all for the pain) and if I was still in pain next week, to return to the medical centre or go to a hospital if it gets worse.

Well, today it did get worse, but not quite as bad as what it was last year so I am uncertain as to if I should go to the hospital as I am sure there are many people who need the hospitals services more than I do. The pain is constant but I am trying to “just ignore it” and hoping that regular doses of panadol and sleep will help make it all better.

I just wish the pain would either go away (preferably) or get bad enough that I feel it warrants a visit to my local hospital’s Emergency Department.

Nothing beats handmade… especially by grandma!

My Nan’s cooking has always been something I enjoy. It was never fancy, but it was always tasty and filling. She used to make fantastic curried mince and rice. Looking back now, I realise it wasn’t up to most people’s standards (gluggy rice anyone?) but to me as a child it was absolutely delicious. We’d put big spoonful’s of margarine into the rice to make it extra yummy.

Nan’s scrambled eggs was another thing I enjoyed. Well, Nan made them to my Pop’s specifications. Pop liked his “crispy” and I have followed in his footsteps. Most people would call it burnt, but the darkened crispy bits just add to the flavour. add a good shaking or two of salt and a couple of pieces of heavily buttered toast and you’ve got a great meal.

My Nan used to make wonderful scones too. There were a number of different types she’d make.
I still can’t eat “shop bought” scones- they just aren’t the same.

Nan has been a great teacher over the years and has passed her skills on to me.
I am now starting to excel her with some of the dishes she was known for. I can only give my Nan the credit as it was her that taught me everything I know.


There are also other things that are better handmade- knitted jumpers always feel better when made by someone as you know a lot of time and love has gone into it.
I have a cotton jumper that my nan hand knitted for me over 15 years ago. It has not gone out of shape, stretched or shrunk. It is a beautiful jumper and is as good as the day I was given it. I am hoping to eventually pass it on to my daughter in the years to come.

I have a small cardigan that a family friend made for me when I was a toddler. She has now passed away, but I wore the cardigan until it no longer fit anymore, it was then put away. When I had my first daughter I was able to dress her in it and now my youngest daughter wears it (although she has just about grown out of it now). When it no longer fits my kids, I’ll be packing it away until I get a grand daughter- then maybe the jumper will be able to be used for 3 generations.

I also think any mending that is done by hand is better than when it is “machine done”. For the past 7 years I have been mending my children’s school uniforms when they come undone at the seams. After I have finished hand-mending them, they never come apart again in that place.
I also have learnt the skill of darning socks, but that is something I don’t do often as socks don’t seem to be made to last anymore. If I darn a sock, a new hole appears in another place soon after. It just doesn’t seem to be worth the hassle anymore.


This post was written from the Daily Prompt: http://dailypost.wordpress.com/dp_prompt/handmade-tales/