Nothingness is deafening

So… I have been very quiet this year.

I think I speak for many when I say 2020 sure found out a way to fuck with everyone’s mind, body and soul.

Here I was thinking a global pandemic may have been a way to stay at home, spend time with my immediate family, catch up with my emails, other computer based tasks, start a little online business, keep in touch with friends, relax, truly find myself once and for all… Nup. That’d be easy. That’d make sense. That’d make me feel and look like I was in control of my life.

The reality of 2020 was that tracky dacks, lounge wear, all day PJs and activewear became the new covid uniform of many; myself included.

Some people got to work from home. Others were considered essential workers and had their hours and workload increase on them in the blink of an eye. Some people continued to go to work as normal. Then there were those with every intention to get back into the workforce not able to do so… All because of the pandemic.

Things got worse, the first wave had peaked… Movement restrictions kicked in, toilet paper, hand sanitiser and disinfectant was highly sought, and fought, over. Schools closed their doors, teaching now occurred online from kitchens, loungerooms, bedrooms… Where ever. Thank fuck for technology and our wonderful teachers who had to completely change their teaching style and adapt to what was being thrown at us.

Things started to look brighter. Or so we thought. Then the second wave hit. Here we go again. 🙄 Some places have been in strict lock down, others have pretty much been running business as usual, doing what they can to stay on top of new cases while keeping businesses open and life running as normal as possible.

It felt like we’d been keeping the virus at bay… But now we have yet another outbreak of positive cases. Thankfully the government is doing it’s best to nip it in the bud before things go bad fast.

I guess 2020 still has 2 weeks left to fuck with us… Who knows what these last weeks have in store for us?

Fingers crossed that 2021 will be nicer to us. But who knows what next year will bring. I certainly don’t want to guess.

Time and Tide

Time flies so fast
The tide washes away what i live for
Tuesday quickly turns into Thursday
Tundra landscapes disappear for another winter

Under the cover of darkness i cry
Ugly memories surface at the most inappropriate times
Uttering under my breath, i try and make it all stop
Useless is how i feel most days of the week

Silence is something i never experience anymore
Sometimes i just wish i was dead
Studying others faces is something i do way too much
Sunny blue skies no longer make me as happy as they used to do

 

Life gets trickier as you get older.

The older i get, the less i am enjoying life.

It has even got to the point where some days i really truly wished i didn’t exist.
It is like no matter what i do or say… or DON’T do or say, is never good enough for anybody.

I have a low enough self esteem as it is and am trying to deal with everything else going on in my life- most of which i don’t really understand to start with.
Having to feel unwanted and such an inconvenience to the world almost every day is really upsetting, but i hate showing that i am upset so i try to mask it which can be overwhelmingly exhausting at times.

Why can’t people just respect others and realise that we are all unique, we are all different, we all have own struggles and daily battles. What one person finds easy and no trouble- may be next to impossible for someone else and cause them so much stress and anxiety that they may just take their own life because of how it makes them feel?

Before you say or do something… just think for a second and ask yourself if it will have a negative impact on someone around you.

Don’t be the reason someone takes their life today.

River stones

Smooth and rounded, most things just slide by. Nothing really sticks around. Nothing physical anyway.

I am among many others all like me, some bigger or smaller, but we’re all ultimately the same. So many around me yet i am so alone.

Yet i am the one who feels what others don’t.
I am the one who feels the pain, who feels the iciness of life washing over everything on a daily basis. It is incredibly painful yet it is invisible so those who i want to understand, can’t.. or won’t.

It makes me want to wish this was the end. That the current would just pick me up like a piece of driftwood and carry me over the edge, into the turbulent waters below.
Surely it can’t be any worse than what i am currently having constantly wash over me.

What a day!

It has been one big exhausting day for me today.
It wasn’t a very busy one… just a regular day… but my anxiety peaked more than it has in quite sometime.

Today’s hot weather and humidity didn’t help… neither did me hardly eating anything and not drinking much today but i just felt so bad that i felt i didn’t deserve to eat or drink.

It got so bad this evening that i couldn’t stop my hands from shaking… it wasn’t too noticeable, except when i was holding things… and at the time i was helping my little ones write their lists for who they want to give Christmas cards to… i just had to clench my hands and hope they didn’t notice as they didn’t deserve to be dragged into my problems.

Here i was thinking i was getting my life back together… getting into a bit of a routine again, starting to feel a little bit better about myself… then today it was like i got hit by a truck and now i feel i am ten steps behind where i was a few days ago.

This has not only affected me mentally, but also physically as i have been aching quite a bit lately. It is worst when i am idle… I don’t notice the pain when i am doing things.

I just hope that things ease up a bit over the next few days…
I thought this Christmas would be a hard one for me, but i didn’t expect things to start going wrong just yet…

Now let’s open a can of worms…

I’m currently watching WWE Afterburn on TV, not because i want to, but because i’m simply too lazy to change the channel… I am busy on the computer anyway so it’s really just background noise at the moment.

I have never really understood wrestling. The way i see it, it’s just a form of choreographed dance/drama/hands-on physical performance. I see it as one big show which they put on for the viewers.

It’s not boxing, not by a long shot- to me, boxing seems like a blood thirsty sport (another can of worms right here but i won’t talk about this right now), wrestling on the other hand is far less dangerous and bloody. I have very rarely seen blood spilt during a wrestling TV show.

Are any of my followers fans of wrestling?
What are your views on this sport? Is it even called a sport? I honestly do not know.

I would be interested in hearing what you think of wrestling.
I am assuming most people have heard of and are aware of what wrestling is.