My mind races at a million miles an hour.
So many thoughts race through my mind, so many negative thoughts and ideas. It haunts me to think that deep inside myself, i am so cold, so negative, such a horrid person.
I don’t want to believe that i am pure evil, i don’t want to think that it is who i am.
Everyone has bad thoughts from time to time, but surely it doesn’t make them a black souled individual for eternity?
Does it?
That feeling when you’re on the phone to a friend and they ask how you are and you reply with “Doing as well as i can i guess” when you really just want to say:
“I feel like absolute shit. I feel like the world would be so much better off without me. No matter what i do, it’s never good enough. Regardless of if i do nothing or a lot, it’ll still never be good enough. I feel like i am an enormous burden on everybody. I just wish i knew what the fuck was wrong with me. Like, i sort of have a clue, but it doesn’t answer ALL my questions. I just want to feel healthy, to feel well and not be in pain and to not feel so drained and lacking energy every day. My kids rarely listen to me or do as i ask them to, other people seem to enjoy telling the kids to do the opposite to what i ask of them. It is just so mentally and physically draining. I just want to run away from life for a while. I have lost who i am. I don’t know who i am anymore.
I often wish i didn’t exist. It would make things so much easier for not only me, but everybody else in my life as they could get on with their shit without me holding them back.”
Sometimes we need a mirror to really see what we have transformed into, to see how far we have come over a matter of days, weeks, months or even years.
Yesterday a cashier i often see complimented me on how much weight i have lost and how well she feels i am doing on my weight loss journey.
The truth is though that as much as i have been thinking about trying to lose weight, i haven’t actually been actively trying lately. I have noticed that my belt is now easily doing up one hole smaller than usual so i guess that’s a good sign to show my body is changing shape, but the scales can’t be trusted as i have actually put on a bit of weight since i last weighed myself.
The jeans i am wearing today used to be a snug fit, they are now slightly baggy. Some of my tops are now looser than they used to be too.
Until yesterday though i hadn’t noticed anything myself. I hadn’t noticed the size of my waist shrinking, or how my jeans seemed to be getting looser.
It took someone else to point it out to me and i had to trust that they were telling the truth. I thought about what they had said for quite a while and realised that yes, they were correct- i must be losing some weight or something as my clothes are not fitting differently.
It is easy to constantly look at yourself in a way that would have you keep thinking bad thoughts about yourself. It is easy to believe that you are still very much overweight and are hopeless and unable to do many of the things that you wish you could. It is so easy to do as it is probably something you’ve been telling yourself- or worse still, what others have been telling you up until now.
There comes a time in everyone’s life when you have to shed those bad thoughts and step into a mindset of only absorbing goodness, of only taking in positive thoughts, positive words and positive people into your life.
The sooner you get rid of all things toxic from your life, the sooner you will give yourself the chance to change for the better.
Imagine you are looking into a mirror and seeing the true you, the new, healthier you. It can happen, it’s not just a fairy tale.
You just have to believe in yourself and those you have your best interests at heart.
I am sure just about everyone has heard of the term “Bucket List”- that list you write sometime in your life that you hope to tick all the items off before you die…
Over the years and during various stages of my life, i have half-heartedly written bucket lists. Most of the things i have written have been far fetched or beyond my wildest dreams.
Over the past few days though i have been seriously thinking about what i want to do before i die.
I don’t know if these cysts are cancerous or not.
Either way though- i think it is time i should make some type of realistic list of things i want to do… alone… with my friends… my children… my husband… my family.
I was talking to my hubby today about what i might include in the list. Some things will be easy to get done, other things however will need more time and money to help them become a reality; a few things i’m not sure are even possible- they seem too far fetched.
I just don’t want my life to end not having lived it as fully as i hoped it could have turned out.
It may only be a couple of days since i last had a check up, but my next appointment isn’t for another 6 weeks.
I should be happy that they have not needed me to come back ASAP as that would most likely mean something was REALLY wrong. I should be thankful that my issue isn’t that urgent BUT i am so scared.
Over the past week, i have felt like my health has deteriorated fast. Walking to the little one’s school was never too bad, i’d occasionally get a bit out of breath but nothing that i couldn’t recover from in a minute or so. Today i did the same walk and was so out of breath, light headed and felt somewhat shaky at times. I never get THAT out of breath.
Feeling like i did today has made me a bit more worried about the extent of my health at the moment. I have this gut feeling that although i am trying to go into this thinking it could possibly be a “worst case scenario” but will most likely be an “easy fix”; it may in fact be something more serious. I seem to be getting new sore spots around my body that just don’t make sense. They feel like i’ve walked into the corner of a table of something, but i know i have not done any such thing.
I just hope what i am feeling is nothing sinister.
Last week i ended up in the emergency department of the local hospital with severe pain, it turns out that i have 2 large cysts on an ovary, the smaller one had haemorrhage. I was given pain relief and antibiotics and sent home with check up to follow.
Today i went back for the check up after not being able to stop thinking about all the “what if’s”. I came to the conclusion that if there was something wrong, i would rather have the cysts and the affected ovary removed if it was safe to do so.
I have a history of “women’s cancers” in my family so i don’t want to risk being another statistic.Also, I won’t be having any more children.
The head Dr had heard about my case and had been looking into it. By what i was told, i am led to believe that the cysts may have a chance of becoming cancer.
This news in itself did not concern me as i believe the hospital will do the best they can do to keep me well.
What it does do however is slightly scare me. Not knowing at this moment exactly what is happening with my body, not knowing if this issue is easily enough treatable or if it will shorten my life, and by how much.
The not knowing is scarier than what i do know.
I want to go into battle with my shoulders back, head held high, ready to face whatever comes my way.
It’s just that at this very moment…..
I am scared.
Pain isn’t always a cut or a break,
Sometimes an overly hard squeeze
Is all it will take.
Tightness in the chest
Numbness or the inability to warm up
Listen to your body… rest.
A loved one just passed
A lover’s betrayal
It happens so fast.
We are stronger than pain
We can overcome anything
In the sunshine or the rain.
Pain.
For years now, i have almost constantly had issues with my emotional and psychological health… at times i would end up with physical pains and illnesses too, but i didn’t always allow myself to believe that the two can be one and the same, that my mental health can affect my physical health.
Over the past year or so i have tried to educate myself, tried to make myself realise that when i am mentally stressed or ill, that some of my physical ailments may be directly connected too.
Last night though- a pain in my right side/groin reminded me of that.
This morning i woke up and it was worse than last night. I know that it is NOT my appendix as i had that removed 10 years ago.
I am hoping it is nothing bad… just a side effect of being stressed more than usual lately.
cockatooscreeching 