The Waiting Game.

It may only be a couple of days since i last had a check up, but my next appointment isn’t for another 6 weeks.
I should be happy that they have not needed me to come back ASAP as that would most likely mean something was REALLY wrong. I should be thankful that my issue isn’t that urgent BUT i am so scared.
Over the past week, i have felt like my health has deteriorated fast. Walking to the little one’s school was never too bad, i’d occasionally get a bit out of breath but nothing that i couldn’t recover from in a minute or so. Today i did the same walk and was so out of breath, light headed and felt somewhat shaky at times. I never get THAT out of breath.

Feeling like i did today has made me a bit more worried about the extent of my health at the moment. I have this gut feeling that although i am trying to go into this thinking it could possibly be a “worst case scenario” but will most likely be an “easy fix”; it may in fact be something more serious. I seem to be getting new sore spots around my body that just don’t make sense. They feel like i’ve walked into the corner of a table of something, but i know i have not done any such thing.

I just hope what i am feeling is nothing sinister.

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When psychological becomes physical.

For years now, i have almost constantly had issues with my emotional and psychological health… at times i would end up with physical pains and illnesses too, but i didn’t always allow myself to believe that the two can be one and the same, that my mental health can affect my physical health.

Over the past year or so i have tried to educate myself, tried to make myself realise that when i am mentally stressed or ill, that some of my physical ailments may be directly connected too.

Last night though- a pain in my right side/groin reminded me of that.
This morning i woke up and it was worse than last night. I know that it is NOT my appendix as i had that removed 10 years ago.

I am hoping it is nothing bad… just a side effect of being stressed more than usual lately.

Fast forward 12 months…

and you arrive at today.

It was about a year ago that my Nan was first diagnosed with the breast cancer.

It was about a year ago that my life changed more than i thought it ever would.

I feel so alone, even though i know i have a few friends and family that do care.

Others not so much, but a few do.

I have very strong feelings that the next 3 months are going to be very hard as it was this time of year- last year, that i spent so much time with Nan. Helping her in every way that i could. Even if it was just sitting with her by her hospital bed, or on the lounge next to her when i was looking after her.

I will never forget the little chats we had, the things she told to me that i will take to the grave- just as she took them to hers.

I thought the grief would lessen and life would be easier to live as time went on. But it seems that it isn’t the case.

As i type this, tears are running down my cheeks, i cannot stop them, nor do i think i want to stop them.
They are tears showing how much i miss my Nan, how much i loved her, how much i still love her. How i wish i could have her back with me.

Sometimes life really sucks. I can’t help but wonder what i have done so bad to deserve these obstacles in my life.

I just want to be free.
I just want to feel loved.
I just want to know who i am.

I feel that i have lost all meaning of life.

I am scared.

What a day!

It’s been a day i’d rather forget. A day i would rather just wipe out of my life. Just fall asleep and start fresh tomorrow… or relive today in a totally different way.

My eldest child (a moody teen) let all her frustrations out on me today… only verbally, but i think those words she hurled at me caused more pain than if she had’ve done anything else instead.

She got me to the point where i was having suicidal thoughts. The words hurt that bad.
It was like my own teenage years had returned, the days of when i was constantly being bullied, taunted, tormented, teased, put down…..
Except this time, my biggest bully was my own daughter.
My own flesh and blood.

I wish i knew what i had done wrong to cause her to lash out like she did… it’s not the first time though, she often treats me like this. She says i don’t deserve any respect from her. I know i DO deserve respect, but a small part of me believes her as i know i haven’t been the best Mum, especially in the first couple of years of her life. I could have done more back then, but i was young, naive, and still learning how to be a parent myself.

I have spent a lot of the day not really able to complete anything that i wanted to. Nor have i really been able to continue on with the things i wanted to get done. I have simply hidden in the bedroom all day. It’s usually where i feel safe, but not today. Even when my younger three came in to spend time with me, i still didn’t feel safe.
My eldest came to the bedroom a few times (she was cleaning her bedroom today which was a miracle in itself so i didn’t want to say anything bad to her) just to curse at me, just to tell me what a horrid person i was, to tell me how worthless i was.

For someone who has such a low self esteem, it doesn’t take much for me to withdraw and feel so much less wanted than the most worthless thing you could ever imagine.

I have started doing crafts to try and find some enjoyment in life again, i am enjoying it when i put my mind to it and it seems others like what i do too as i have orders to make items for other people and they want to pay me for it. That has to be a HUGE compliment when someone likes what you do enough to want to pay you to make things for them too.

But then, like today, shit hits the fan and it feels like my whole world is collapsing around me, it feels like i am being sucked into a deep dark chasm, unable to get out, unable to breathe, unable to fight back. When life just gets too complicated, too hard.

It would just be easier to simply give up. Let the bullies win. I am sure that would then allow everything to return to some type of normality- if i wasn’t around to cause all this trouble and commotion.

I am incredibly sad… yet i have no tears left to cry. I’m all cried out, but oh so empty within.

I need to find myself. I need to find… to realise that i do still belong. That i belong somewhere. That i do have a place on this earth, that i am still wanted and needed.

I just don’t know how to find that out.

Nobody can hear my cries for help.

No Control

Shaking.
Uncontrollable urges that don’t allow me to stand still.
I shake when i don’t want to.
Because of people who can’t control their anger.

I cry.
Tears of fear roll down my cheeks.
Those who made me cry show no remorse.
Heartless creatures with no soul whatsoever.

Anxiety grows.
I can’t function as i used to.
I constantly watch over my shoulder.
I fear the animal who has no intention of stopping the torment.

Depression sets in.
The threats, the anger, the heartlessness.
It’s all too much to handle, my body can’t take it.
My mind starts to thin violent thoughts of self-harm.

Death seems safer.
It seems like a better option than living.
It makes me feel like it’s the option to take the pain away.
There seems to be no other way t make things better.

I plead.
I plead for help.
I scream out for help but i have no voice.
No one can see my pain or hear me reaching out for the help i need.

It’s gone full circle.
My body trembles and shakes.
I am back to where i started, I’m shaking.
Those uncontrollable urges are back and i can’t stand still…

What a day!

It has been one big exhausting day for me today.
It wasn’t a very busy one… just a regular day… but my anxiety peaked more than it has in quite sometime.

Today’s hot weather and humidity didn’t help… neither did me hardly eating anything and not drinking much today but i just felt so bad that i felt i didn’t deserve to eat or drink.

It got so bad this evening that i couldn’t stop my hands from shaking… it wasn’t too noticeable, except when i was holding things… and at the time i was helping my little ones write their lists for who they want to give Christmas cards to… i just had to clench my hands and hope they didn’t notice as they didn’t deserve to be dragged into my problems.

Here i was thinking i was getting my life back together… getting into a bit of a routine again, starting to feel a little bit better about myself… then today it was like i got hit by a truck and now i feel i am ten steps behind where i was a few days ago.

This has not only affected me mentally, but also physically as i have been aching quite a bit lately. It is worst when i am idle… I don’t notice the pain when i am doing things.

I just hope that things ease up a bit over the next few days…
I thought this Christmas would be a hard one for me, but i didn’t expect things to start going wrong just yet…

The clock is ticking…

I heard from someone today that Nan was not in a very good way at all so i rang the hospital to see if they could give me any news.

I spoke to a lovely nurse who had read through the files and notes and knew what i had done and knew the predicament i was currently in.
She informed me that the priest had been called to see Nan and Nan’s condition has worsened quite a bit over the past 24hours.
She has been moved into a single bed room.

Now i just wait.
I wait for “the phone call”.
The call to inform me that my darling Nan has passed n, that she is now free and up there with her husband and our pets and other family members.

Without sounding horrible, i hope she passes soon.
However…
The greedy side of me wants her to stay here on Earth until my Mum can get to see her (hopefully tomorrow) and give her the two letters that Nan’s sister has written to her.
I was speaking to the nurse about the letters, saying if Nan is still with us, how i’d really appreciate it if a nurse/volunteer/social worker could read the two letters out to Nan. I know both Nan and her sister would really appreciate it. She said she would try and make that happen.

Until then…
the clock will continue to tick tock… tick tock… tick tock…

It’s getting close now…

I received two phone calls yesterday.
One from my Nan’s sister saying she had received a phone call saying that my Nan’s health has been deteriorating and that she is now needing strong painkillers at least every 2 hours; the second from another 2 relatives (via a “speaker phone chat”) letting me know that the cancer has now spread throughout Nan’s body, into not only more bones but also soft tissue and other organs. She has started hallucinating again, quite badly this time and is talking a lot of gibberish (possibly due to the pain relief she is on or maybe the hallucinations?).

No one could say how long she is expected to last for now, but i hope for her sake, that it isn’t too much longer as she has been saying she is ready to die for the past 5+ weeks.
I hate knowing that i have been threatened with violence by some family members if they find out i visit Nan. I don’t want them to think they have “won”, as they haven’t, i just don’t know if i want to see Nan now. In a way i do want to as i would love to have some “us time” to let her know how much i love her and just to be there with her for a little while but on the other hand, with what i have been told about her most recent health status and state of mind, i don’t think i do want to have this new memory of her. I think i would just prefer to remember her how i last saw her and moreso, about those weeks we spent together where i was able to be an extension of her and be able to care for her in between her hospital stays.

Although some people have tried to make these past few months hell for me, they have not won, nor will they get on top of me in the future.
I will not allow their childish ways to make me less of a human.
I will not let their immaturity get the better of me.

I know that what i have done for Nan over the past countless number of years (but mostly the past 2-3 years) will always be appreciated by Nan and also other family and friends who realise just how much i have actually done for her.

Most of all though, i feel so very lucky that i have spent a great deal of my life with Nan, having her to talk to whenever i wanted to, being able to have her as the first person i go to if i needed someone or if i wanted advice or needed to know how to do something.
Nan taught me so much about life, she taught me how to cook, how to clean, she taught me patience, perseverance, love, courage, she taught me to not judge a book by it’s cover, most importantly though- she taught me how to believe in myself.

 

21st Century Brainwashing.

Unfortunately it does still exist.

The Uncle and Aunt who were treating me like rubbish have been brainwashing my Nan and the rest of my family over the past few weeks.

Out if at least 70 people (50 of them blood related), there is now only one person that i think i can believe and trust (apart from my husband).
All the others have been told not to trust me, they have been told that i am the cause of Nan’s ill health, that i am the reason why all the bad things have been happening to not only her, but to other family too.

Even my own mother no longer trusts me. To the point of where she was agreeable to letting her 2 bossy siblings change the locks so i no longer have access to what personal belongings i have left in my childhood bedroom.
I want to get the rest of my belongings out of the house and back here where i can go through it all and store what has to be stored.

I very much doubt Nan is even aware that her set of house keys no longer fit her door locks.

This is beyond a joke. It is disgusting that people can treat their own family like this.

I am glad that i am not one to listen to lies and take it as gospel. I know what the truth is. The truth will eventually come out and those who started the gossip and rumours will not know what to do or say once the rest of their family wake up to their tactics.

I am now happy that i spoke up for Nan when she needed me most. It has all fallen on deaf ears though as they have also brainwashed Nan. How two people could brainwash their own Mother at the end of her life is beyond comprehension, but it has happened.

I was able to see Nan one last time last week, but only for a few minutes.
The terror and fear in her eyes was heart-breaking. She kept asking “Are they still here?” and constantly repeated “You can only stay 5 minutes, you can’t be here more than 5 minutes. You’re just a grandchild, you can’t stay more than 5 minutes.”

It tore at my heart.
These words were not coming from my Nan. She would never say anything like that to ANY of her Grandkids, let alone me.
Someone has been putting those phrases into her head, someone has been saying something to her where she feels that saying those things will make things better for her.

I just wish i had hard evidence to prove it.

My Aunt and Uncle are now spoon feeding her in hospital. They are not even allowing her the chance to feed herself, they are simply shoveling food into her each meal time and telling her that if she eats up, she’ll get better.

I have been led to understand that the opposite is true. She should now be eating less as she is at the end-of-life stage. It is now time for her to listen to her body, just eat when she feels like it, rest and sleep if she wants to, just let things happen.
This is natural, It’s nothing to be scared of.
Why would the Palliative Care staff tell Nan and I one thing but tell the rest of the family the opposite?