Last breaths…

A handful of years ago you took your last breaths. They should have been taken weeks earlier but some people were in denial of what the hospital staff honestly told them. They were not ready to accept your terminal diagnosis let alone the fact you only had days left with us. They demanded you be kept alive as long as possible, they tried to change your pain relief medication, they force fed you, telling you to eat up as it would make you stronger, put weight on you and help you get better so you could go home.

But all that had already been done. You’d already spent your final weeks at home, spent time with the ones you loved. You’d done everything you felt you needed to do. Those closest to you gave you their blessings to be free. They understood this was your time. It was time to let you go, to be pain free, to once again be with family and friends you had said Goodbye to. It was your time to be with them once again.

I am sorry you were mistreated for those last weeks after you asked me to get you back to the hospital to die. Mistreated by those you gave life to, mistreated by those you gave everything to. You told me during our late night chats that they weren’t to be trusted. It pained you to admit that, but you knew it was the truth and had to be told. The hospital staff did everything they could to help you, to keep you comfortable. But ultimately it was the acts of those individuals in those last weeks which brought you the most pain and suffering.

I’m sorry I wasn’t able to do more for you in those final weeks but the threats and abuse I was dealing with meant keeping a physical distance was the only way to keep you safe, as well as keeping my family and I safe too.

Light at the end of the tunnel

I see the light at the end of the tunnel, I am hopeful of getting answers to my continuing pain.

Recent blood test results showed some abnormal levels which has my doctor thinking I could possibly have Rheumatoid Arthritis (RA). Today I have to have some scans done so further testing can be done to confirm if I do in fact have RA.

A part of me hopes that I do, I just want answers so I can look into the illness more, do I can research what I can do to help myself. There is also a part of me who wants to find out this is not RA… But then it leaves me where I was. Still in pain with no idea why.

I currently feel scared. The first part is in just over 7 hours time but I can’t sleep. My mind is racing, anxiety is rising, negative thoughts are present and pushing past the few calming slivers of hope that I have left.

I don’t know how long it’ll take to get the results, but I’m hoping not more than a few days.

If this isn’t RA, I want to keep pressing on… I want to get to the bottom of this pain. I want answers. I have put up with the pain for far too long.

Bruises aren’t always visible.

Bruises hurt. People understand they hurt and believe you may be in pain because your pain is visible.

Things like words though, are invisible. Once they’ve been spoken, they can’t be unspoken. These words can hurt as much or even more than a physical injury which is easily seen.

Invisible pain can happen at anytime, and can be dished out by anyone across many forms. It can cause lifelong pain, and soul-destroying scars on your emotional wellbeing.

Words have the ability of doing more harm than what a weapon is capable of.

Unfit for work.

Those three little words can at times make even the strongest person feel worthless.

My lower back and nerve pain has now forced me to take 3 weeks off work.

I am thankful that I can walk around, the pain is still there but its bareable. I still have trouble bathing myself and dressing myself at times so I’m still heavily relying on my husband to help me.

I feel worthless as my brain tells me I have to do everything on my to do list, but my body won’t allow me to do much at all. It is really frustrating as in many people’s opinions : “you don’t look sick.” That has to be one of the most challenging things to hear without letting it get to me. It is hard to ignore.

I feel bad enough as it is, but when that comment is directed at me, I feel so much worse.

My lack of income is hurting me financially too. It sucks.

I hate my kids seeing me like this. I should be a role model for them, I shouldn’t need them to help care for me at their young ages.

Empty and Alone.

I have not felt this empty or alone for a very long time.
My husband has gone away for a week just when i am at a very low point emotionally. He went away just as i really wanted him to be around. I needed him here.

My physical pain is at a high level at the moment, it has been for weeks (well, i have been in constant pain for many years, but it has flared up in recent weeks) but i just never said anything as i didn’t want to worry anyone.
Now i have dug myself into a hole. If i mention my pain now, it’s like i am too weak and unable to care for my children on my own (even though the in-laws are here in the house as well).

I already feel like a failure as i most likely won’t see my two youngest children at all tomorrow. I leave for work before they wake up and i won’t get back until after they should be in bed tomorrow as i have to take my eldest to training. If they do go to bed when they’re told, i won’t actually see them until the following afternoon. 😦 That has literally just hit home.
My hubby has gone away and now i may not see my children for almost 40 hours! I really AM a bad mum.

Now i really do feel alone… more than i did 20 minutes ago when i thought it was bad then.

Maybe i should try and get some sleep… i have been awake for close to 19 hours now. I have to be up in a bit over 6 hours and i haven’t had much sleep the past day or two.

Drowning

A sea of blackness wraps itself around me.
It’s embrace tightens itself like a noose around my neck.
The coldness of an arctic sea runs through me.
I feel colder, much colder, limp and more lifeless than ever before.

I try to call out but there is no noise.
I have no voice, there is no one left to hear my cries for help.
I try to grab something to stop me falling.
To stop me falling to my bitter end, but nothing is within reach.

The stark vastness, the nothingness, the neglected soulless body hangs limply.
As limp as a wet sheet of paper during torrential rain.
I am cold, bitterly cold. Cold water makes my skin burn like it is on fire.
A fire which can’t be put out as it doesn’t exist to start with.

Something starts to open up. There is a flicker of light in what seems to be a tunnel.
Far far away, the more i reach for it, the further away it seems to get.
A sense of confusion followed by disbelief and then panic.
Is this real? What is happening? Who’s there!?

A sense of calm washes over me. It is getting lighter. Much lighter and brighter.
The tightness around my neck vanishes. I am no longer restrained.
I am no longer cold. A sense of warmth pumping through my veins also washes over me.
I open my mouth and hear myself for the first time. I now have a voice.

I am free.

Life as an Icicle

Sometime life feels like you are a icicle.
So solid and sturdy yet so fragile and breakable.

One minute you feel like you can see what is in front of you for quite a long time… the next second- you’re broken and plummeting in a downward spiral not knowing what is going to happen next.

Will you land in soft snow and transform into something new, or will you hurtle to the ground, shattering into millions of tiny pieces?

Are those of us with broken minds simply icicles hanging on for dear life… hanging on for dear life, hoping we can stay strong enough to let go when we are ready and have a soft, safe landing into the unknown?

Time and Tide

Time flies so fast
The tide washes away what i live for
Tuesday quickly turns into Thursday
Tundra landscapes disappear for another winter

Under the cover of darkness i cry
Ugly memories surface at the most inappropriate times
Uttering under my breath, i try and make it all stop
Useless is how i feel most days of the week

Silence is something i never experience anymore
Sometimes i just wish i was dead
Studying others faces is something i do way too much
Sunny blue skies no longer make me as happy as they used to do

 

Forgetfulness can be lifesaving

Sometimes i hate myself for how forgetful i can be. I will walk into another room or drive to the shops only to wonder why i am there and what i was supposed to be doing or getting.

This week, i had my surgery and i think being forgetful has actually saved my life.
In the lead up to my surgery i was very down and depressed and feeling that the world would be so much better off without me. I had it in my mind that i would tell the hospital staff that i wished to be a “DO NOT RESUSCITATE” (DNR) patient. If my time was meant to be up, that’d be it. I thought that was what would have been best for me.

Thankfully i forgot about the DNR, i forgot to speak to the staff about it and they never mentioned it to me.

Apparently i stopped breathing while i was in the Recovery Room after my operation. I am not sure how long I’d stopped breathing (I’m yet to get the results of the operation, etc), but the nurse looking after me said i had given her a scare. That has never happened to me with any other operation i have had. I don’t know why i stopped breathing but i am thankful they helped me start breathing again.

Today, a few days after the operation, my emotions are all over the place. One minute i am glad to be here, the next i feel like such a huge hindrance as i feel i should be up and doing stuff but i am physically unable to do everything i want to do due to needing to heal from the operation first.

I am an a mix of Panadol and Endone for the pain. I want to stop the Endone as soon as possible as i don’t like the side effects… the Panadol doesn’t really help me either so i may just stop taking that too.

I am hoping to be more mobile as the days go on.

I get the results of the operation and find out if the cyst i had removed was in fact cancerous. Depending on those results, I’ll know what i have to do in the future.

Whatever happens, i am sure it has happened to me because i am strong or capable enough to handle the situation…

Such a Hindrance

I have felt like such a hindrance for quite some time now.

I have surgery tomorrow, but can’t help but feel i am such a huge hindrance to society. I will be getting an ovarian cyst removed which should be straight-forward surgery but i can’t help but think that internally, the surgeons will find something worse. Cancer? I don’t know.
But i have this gut feeling that all the pain i have been in for the past several months isn’t a good sign. I think it’s more than just the “simple cyst”.

I mean, i have been in pain for years and years… decades even. The locations of the pain vary from day to day, week to week. To me it is “normal”. I do not know life without pain. I do not know what true silence is; i have Tinnitus so late at night is when the sounds within my head are at their loudest. To me, trying to get to sleep when all is “quiet”, to me is actually deafening and next to impossible at times. I am kept awake for hours after everyone is already fast asleep due to the noises within.

My hearing is worsening too which is scaring me. There has been a gradual worsening of my hearing impairment over the past 5 years, but it seems to have got a lot worse over the past few months. It almost happened suddenly. I now have to lip read a lot or get people to speak up so i can hear them.

Surely the world would be better off without me? I mean, i can’t hear people talking as well as the majority of the population, i am constantly in pain, my health isn’t the best.
If i was an animal, a human in charge of me would be legally allowed to have me euthanized but because i am a human, it is illegal to do just that.

I just want to have a meaning, i want to mean something to people- especially those who supposedly love me.
I want to feel needed by someone…

I want to feel loved…

I don’t want to be a hindrance anymore.