No Control

Shaking.
Uncontrollable urges that don’t allow me to stand still.
I shake when i don’t want to.
Because of people who can’t control their anger.

I cry.
Tears of fear roll down my cheeks.
Those who made me cry show no remorse.
Heartless creatures with no soul whatsoever.

Anxiety grows.
I can’t function as i used to.
I constantly watch over my shoulder.
I fear the animal who has no intention of stopping the torment.

Depression sets in.
The threats, the anger, the heartlessness.
It’s all too much to handle, my body can’t take it.
My mind starts to thin violent thoughts of self-harm.

Death seems safer.
It seems like a better option than living.
It makes me feel like it’s the option to take the pain away.
There seems to be no other way t make things better.

I plead.
I plead for help.
I scream out for help but i have no voice.
No one can see my pain or hear me reaching out for the help i need.

It’s gone full circle.
My body trembles and shakes.
I am back to where i started, I’m shaking.
Those uncontrollable urges are back and i can’t stand still…

What a day!

It has been one big exhausting day for me today.
It wasn’t a very busy one… just a regular day… but my anxiety peaked more than it has in quite sometime.

Today’s hot weather and humidity didn’t help… neither did me hardly eating anything and not drinking much today but i just felt so bad that i felt i didn’t deserve to eat or drink.

It got so bad this evening that i couldn’t stop my hands from shaking… it wasn’t too noticeable, except when i was holding things… and at the time i was helping my little ones write their lists for who they want to give Christmas cards to… i just had to clench my hands and hope they didn’t notice as they didn’t deserve to be dragged into my problems.

Here i was thinking i was getting my life back together… getting into a bit of a routine again, starting to feel a little bit better about myself… then today it was like i got hit by a truck and now i feel i am ten steps behind where i was a few days ago.

This has not only affected me mentally, but also physically as i have been aching quite a bit lately. It is worst when i am idle… I don’t notice the pain when i am doing things.

I just hope that things ease up a bit over the next few days…
I thought this Christmas would be a hard one for me, but i didn’t expect things to start going wrong just yet…

The clock is ticking…

I heard from someone today that Nan was not in a very good way at all so i rang the hospital to see if they could give me any news.

I spoke to a lovely nurse who had read through the files and notes and knew what i had done and knew the predicament i was currently in.
She informed me that the priest had been called to see Nan and Nan’s condition has worsened quite a bit over the past 24hours.
She has been moved into a single bed room.

Now i just wait.
I wait for “the phone call”.
The call to inform me that my darling Nan has passed n, that she is now free and up there with her husband and our pets and other family members.

Without sounding horrible, i hope she passes soon.
However…
The greedy side of me wants her to stay here on Earth until my Mum can get to see her (hopefully tomorrow) and give her the two letters that Nan’s sister has written to her.
I was speaking to the nurse about the letters, saying if Nan is still with us, how i’d really appreciate it if a nurse/volunteer/social worker could read the two letters out to Nan. I know both Nan and her sister would really appreciate it. She said she would try and make that happen.

Until then…
the clock will continue to tick tock… tick tock… tick tock…

It’s getting close now…

I received two phone calls yesterday.
One from my Nan’s sister saying she had received a phone call saying that my Nan’s health has been deteriorating and that she is now needing strong painkillers at least every 2 hours; the second from another 2 relatives (via a “speaker phone chat”) letting me know that the cancer has now spread throughout Nan’s body, into not only more bones but also soft tissue and other organs. She has started hallucinating again, quite badly this time and is talking a lot of gibberish (possibly due to the pain relief she is on or maybe the hallucinations?).

No one could say how long she is expected to last for now, but i hope for her sake, that it isn’t too much longer as she has been saying she is ready to die for the past 5+ weeks.
I hate knowing that i have been threatened with violence by some family members if they find out i visit Nan. I don’t want them to think they have “won”, as they haven’t, i just don’t know if i want to see Nan now. In a way i do want to as i would love to have some “us time” to let her know how much i love her and just to be there with her for a little while but on the other hand, with what i have been told about her most recent health status and state of mind, i don’t think i do want to have this new memory of her. I think i would just prefer to remember her how i last saw her and moreso, about those weeks we spent together where i was able to be an extension of her and be able to care for her in between her hospital stays.

Although some people have tried to make these past few months hell for me, they have not won, nor will they get on top of me in the future.
I will not allow their childish ways to make me less of a human.
I will not let their immaturity get the better of me.

I know that what i have done for Nan over the past countless number of years (but mostly the past 2-3 years) will always be appreciated by Nan and also other family and friends who realise just how much i have actually done for her.

Most of all though, i feel so very lucky that i have spent a great deal of my life with Nan, having her to talk to whenever i wanted to, being able to have her as the first person i go to if i needed someone or if i wanted advice or needed to know how to do something.
Nan taught me so much about life, she taught me how to cook, how to clean, she taught me patience, perseverance, love, courage, she taught me to not judge a book by it’s cover, most importantly though- she taught me how to believe in myself.

 

21st Century Brainwashing.

Unfortunately it does still exist.

The Uncle and Aunt who were treating me like rubbish have been brainwashing my Nan and the rest of my family over the past few weeks.

Out if at least 70 people (50 of them blood related), there is now only one person that i think i can believe and trust (apart from my husband).
All the others have been told not to trust me, they have been told that i am the cause of Nan’s ill health, that i am the reason why all the bad things have been happening to not only her, but to other family too.

Even my own mother no longer trusts me. To the point of where she was agreeable to letting her 2 bossy siblings change the locks so i no longer have access to what personal belongings i have left in my childhood bedroom.
I want to get the rest of my belongings out of the house and back here where i can go through it all and store what has to be stored.

I very much doubt Nan is even aware that her set of house keys no longer fit her door locks.

This is beyond a joke. It is disgusting that people can treat their own family like this.

I am glad that i am not one to listen to lies and take it as gospel. I know what the truth is. The truth will eventually come out and those who started the gossip and rumours will not know what to do or say once the rest of their family wake up to their tactics.

I am now happy that i spoke up for Nan when she needed me most. It has all fallen on deaf ears though as they have also brainwashed Nan. How two people could brainwash their own Mother at the end of her life is beyond comprehension, but it has happened.

I was able to see Nan one last time last week, but only for a few minutes.
The terror and fear in her eyes was heart-breaking. She kept asking “Are they still here?” and constantly repeated “You can only stay 5 minutes, you can’t be here more than 5 minutes. You’re just a grandchild, you can’t stay more than 5 minutes.”

It tore at my heart.
These words were not coming from my Nan. She would never say anything like that to ANY of her Grandkids, let alone me.
Someone has been putting those phrases into her head, someone has been saying something to her where she feels that saying those things will make things better for her.

I just wish i had hard evidence to prove it.

My Aunt and Uncle are now spoon feeding her in hospital. They are not even allowing her the chance to feed herself, they are simply shoveling food into her each meal time and telling her that if she eats up, she’ll get better.

I have been led to understand that the opposite is true. She should now be eating less as she is at the end-of-life stage. It is now time for her to listen to her body, just eat when she feels like it, rest and sleep if she wants to, just let things happen.
This is natural, It’s nothing to be scared of.
Why would the Palliative Care staff tell Nan and I one thing but tell the rest of the family the opposite?

 

A decline in health.

Unfortunately my Nan’s health is worsening.
Last week, i could tell she was getting weaker, but she was still mentally strong.
I think now, she has had enough.

She is exhausted.
Mentally.
Physically.
Emotionally.
Completely and utterly exhausted.

I think her body may be ready to start shutting down. That’s if the process hasn’t already started.
She now finds it extremely tiring to walk more than about 5 metres at a time. Twice that distance has her almost collapsing, buckling at the knees.
She also gets exhausted if she has to concentrate for more than a few minutes at a time. Listening is exhausting for her, so is talking.
Things we take for granted are such a huge effort and exhausting for her now that she is so fragile and ill.

The illness has spread throughout her body.
It is in tissue, glands, organs and bone. It is sucking the life out of her.

Up until the past few days, i have been able to keep the pain away with medication, now that doesn’t seem to be working.
I will have to talk to the medical staff taking care of her and see where we can go from here.
I do not want her to be in pain if i can help it.
It is painful watching her in pain, knowing there is nothing more i can do.
It makes me feel i have failed her. I told her i would take care of her, but now i have to watch her face screw up as the pain takes over. I am helpless, i am unable to do the one thing i told her i would do for her- keep her comfortable.

It’s not fair.
Life isn’t fair at the moment.

She doesn’t deserve this.

Pain

Pain.

It’s different for everyone. What is off the scale for one person, may be nothing for the next.

I’ve been told i have a quite high pain tolerance.

For the past week my pain has steadily been getting worse.
I think my back pain has turned into sciatica, the pain is almost unbearable at times but i know i must go on as i am a carer now and i cannot give up.

It feels like someone is stabbing me and twisting a knife, other times it feels like a burning sensation is shooting down my legs. It is FAR from pleasant. I would not wish this upon anyone.

It messes with my mind. It stops me from being able to concentrate. It takes away any joy i might have left within my soul.

I am in pain when i sit. I am in pain when i stand. I am in pain when i walk. Jogging or running is completely out of the question- i accidentally did that a few days ago to keep up with one of my children and i was on the brink of collapsing and crying from the pain.

I wish there was a quick fix for issues like this.

No one deserves to live like this.

No one.

Waiting for the unknown.

The days seem to drag on so slowly yet the days are flying by so very fast.
The past few weeks have gone by in no time at all.

So much yet so little has happened.

I am still running on autopilot, yet i am falling apart.
I stay strong for most of the day, yet at night i almost always fall to pieces and tears flow freely.

With everything that has been happening, and with how i was hoping to not have to visit a doctor for a long time, i bit the bullet and made an appointment with my Family Doctor.
I told her what’s been happening and she has kick started the process of keeping my health in check.

Then and there, she gave me a breast examination. Thankfully i am fine. For now.
I have to have check ups every two years, or sooner if i feel or notice a change.
I feel guilty though- knowing my breasts are healthy. Knowing my Nan is, and possibly my Mum could be, living day by day not knowing when there time is up.

My Mum has no clue how sick her mother is, she is in denial. Even with her own health. I spoke to her yesterday, telling her she should go and have a chat with her doctor and get checked out. Her response was “I’m not worried, it’ll go away soon and i’ll be back to normal.” She is also convinced that Nan is going to get better.
I can’t bring myself to tell her otherwise as i know she won’t be able to cope knowing the truth.

I am doing everything i can to look after my Nan as her health gets worse.
I try to help Mum, but it’s like talking to a brick wall. Nothing is going to happen.

I have to try to look after myself too but some days i just don’t feel like eating. Some days i can’t get to sleep at night as my mind is in overdrive thinking about every possible thing there is for me to think about.
Some days i wonder why i care so much. Why i care so much that i hope and pray that my loved ones can be healthy and it was me that was at the end of my life. I wish i could switch bodies, to be able to take their pain and worries away.

On top of all this, my back pain has come back with a vengeance. I don’t know if it is due to the stress of the past few weeks, if it is simply due to bad posture or something entirely different. I have even wondered if i have something more sinister going on within my body- within my bones and muscles?
I know reading up about cancer can have one wondering if their own aches and pains could be a cancer, but knowing that cancer has affected so many of my family members, i can’t help but wonder if it is eating me up too?
Is this why i have had back pains for so long? Could it be a cancer that the doctors have not considered?

I just don’t know what to think anymore.

I just wish i was capable of doing more than i currently do.

Digging for information and Dr Google…

OK, So last week my Grandma had the biopsies done. She was supposed to get the results yesterday but nothing much was mentioned at the Dr’s clinic. Only that there was something and it had spread to the lymph nodes and she had to see a specialist at a local hospital who will go through everything in detail with her.

Today when i was at her house, she asked me to check some paperwork and forms- which i did, for her.
It was the results and paperwork for the specialist that she has to see.
There were so many “big words” among the results. But it does indeed look like it is advanced breast cancer and cancer in the lymph nodes.
I’m not sure if it has spread further, but now knowing what i do, it would not surprise me if it has spread to the lungs as well, as she is finding it very hard to breathe and to walk more than about 10 metres at a time.

I am trying so very hard to stay strong.
I was doing well (I thought), until i did a Google search of the cancer and looked up the life expectancy of someone with it. Depending on the severity of the cancer and it’s stage, there is a life expectancy of approximately one month to about 2 years if the patient goes through radiation or chemotherapy. My Grandma has said numerous times now that if it is bad, she does not want to have any treatment or operations, she just wants to be kept as pain free as possible and allowed to die with dignity.

I can’t begin to imagine what life is going to be like without her…
I can’t imagine Christmas without her…

I know it’s greedy for me to want to keep her here on Earth, to keep her alive, but if the pain gets worse than what it already is, she doesn’t deserve to suffer anymore.

I guess it is times like this that the euthanasia debate comes into play again.
I don’t believe my Grandma would willingly want to end her life just yet, but if the pain becomes unbearable, i do believe that she should have the choice and be able to make it herself, rather than have her body shut down on her and possibly have her suffer more than she has to.

I knew that my Grandma getting sick would happen… but this is tearing me apart internally. I am doing my best to hold myself together, especially when i am with her, but when i am alone………..

…………………………that’s when it hurts me the most.

Down down down

Christmas hasn’t always felt like this, but since my grandfather passed away, I have never really enjoyed Christmas much at all- even with a family of my own I find it hard to enjoy.

For some reason I have fallen into a downward spiral in recent times. I do not know what triggered it, but I feel I am picking up speed and finding it hard, very hard, to get out of.

I feel my marriage and my role as a mum is taking a turn for the worse. It scares me.
I don’t want to lose my hubby or my kids… but in saying that I have recently often been feeling that I’d be better off dead… well, maybe not dead as such, but just not to exist anymore…

I don’t want to be a burden on anyone anymore. No one deserves to be dragged down into my hole of self pity and shittiness.
Whenever I try to call out for help, I feel that I am pretty much told to just put my big girl pants on and grow up and start behaving like a responsible, mature adult.