Exhausted.

Today i saw my psychologist and we had a good chat about my recent health issues, family, friends, life in general, work and a few dark shadows of my past kept rising to the surface during our chat.

We spoke of life, death, caring for loved ones, suicidal thoughts, past interests & hobbies… many were things that i have not openly spoken about in quite a long while.
In a way it felt good to talk about things again… but it was an emotional roller coaster.

I didn’t realise that my teen years still played such a huge part in my life.

She picked up on it long before i did during our chat. I am glad she did. She knows that my mind may put ideas and thoughts into my head but i am smart enough to not let those bad thoughts take over my life and completely rule what i do.
That is something i am very thankful of, as if i played out some of the things that go on in my mind… i would either be in all sorts of trouble….. or dead.

Tonight i am completely and utterly exhausted. More than i have been in a long while.

I’m not sure if the exhaustion is due to old memories that resurfaced today, or if it was because this was the first time i had worked in about 6 weeks, or because i have just been so busy today- i have been on the go for close to 17 hours almost non-stop.

Now, it is time for bed and sleep.

I hope to get a good sleep. I don’t have to worry about an alarm tomorrow as i don’t have to work.

Good night everybody.

 

Low, lower, lowest

That’s pretty much how my self esteem has gone today.

I feel like no matter what or how much i do or don’t do, it will never be good enough for those around me.

There is always at least one person who has something negative to say, and usually one or two more to confirm their negativity, making the comment maker feel good about being rude towards others.

It really gets to me. It takes me back to the many years of bullying i had to put up with throughout my childhood, teens and into my early adult years.
Those words never leave you, and each time you hear them again- they usually end up with the victim having flashbacks of their troubled past.

I just wish it would stop.

If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.

Fluid Rocks

It sounds like it can’t be true, but that is how i would explain how i am feeling at the moment.

I feel like a rock as i have to be strong at the moment, i am trying my hardest to stay strong and not fall apart while constantly pulling myself together so i don’t fall apart in front of my children…
YET…
Fluid as i feel like i am falling apart, like i can’t contain myself. Like i can’t keep myself in one piece.
Like water in a broken glass, you can fill it up, but it will leak, water will spill out uncontrolled. I can’t seem to keep my feelings to myself. I know it is good to express oneself, but when all i can think of at the moment is negative emotions and feelings, i feel it is is a bad thing.

I have made contact with my psychologist again, for the first time this year and it was good to be able to talk freely without any judgement.
We have agreed to meet on a regular basis now with me being able to have impromptu sessions between our scheduled sessions if i feel i need them.

I scare myself knowing that i still have so much hatred within me. I am having flashbacks of moments in time from my childhood. Moments that i must have blocked out of my memory… until now.
Now they are coming back to haunt me. Coming back to taunt me and make me constantly question myself and everything i do.

I have allowed myself to empathise with those who have hurt me in recent weeks. I can understand why they are acting how they are. They are scared, they are hurting, unable to express how they are feeling for fear of not being taken seriously bu those who look up to them. I am sure that is why they are gossiping and spreading rumours about me and my family. Why they have turned my whole family against me. Every. Blood. Relative.

I have come to terms with my Nan being at the end of her life. I find it comforting knowing that she was able to see everyone she wanted to see and that she was able to do everything that she wanted to get done. Well, that’s what she told me, anyway.
I feel so very lucky to have been able to step into the role as her carer. I was an extension of her body. Doing things for her that she wasn’t able to do for herself.

I just want to feel at peace with myself but i don’t know where to start. I don’t know where to turn.

Daily Prompt: I believe…

Today’s Daily Prompt ( http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2014/03/16/daily-prompt-i-believe/ ) has me thinking hard as to what I want to type.

As someone who has to live with anxiety & depression in a place where I feel I don’t belong… my thoughts on this prompt will most likely be wildly different to what someone else who knows me may think I should be writing.

 

Anyway, seeing as though this is MY blog… here are MY thoughts.

 

3 things I believe in my heart to be TRUE:

• If I was allowed to have a pet dog, I believe my anxiety and depressive behaviours, feelings and moods would all but completely disappear making me a much nicer person to be around.
• I believe that my hubby and I CAN afford the property I have fallen in love with, I believe that we can make ends meet and that we will start up a successful business and will be accepted into the community. Things may be a little tight from time to time, but we CAN do it.
• I believe that I have been put on this Earth for a reason. I have been put here to teach others, learn from others, to give to others and to do the best I can.

 

3 things that I believe in my heart to be FALSE:

• I don’t believe in bullying of ANY kind. I have had to endure enough of it throughout my childhood, teenage years and into adulthood. It is not something that ANYONE should have to put up with.
•  I don’t believe that one person’s thoughts, ideas or suggestions should be dismissed without first talking about it, weighing up the pro’s and con’s and then agreeing on something that will work for everyone.
• I don’t believe that a town, state, nation or world should be run by one single person. We are all unique and we all have great ideas that could possibly change the world in one way or another. If the Human Race was open to listening to others, we may not have the problems that we have today. We may in fact be living in harmony rather than being at war with our families, friends, foes…

 

I guess I sort of cheated here as I realise I have combined some of my thoughts into one point rather than keep them separate, but I believe that is ok as I feel everything I have written needed to be put out there.

DAILY PROMPT: Accidental listening

Being an only child, I have always been a good listener. Sometimes too good a listener.

My whole life has been spent mostly around adults, a lot of that time I was supposed to be off playing or doing my own thing while the adults chatted amongst themselves.
As I grew older and became an adult myself, my love for listening and learning did not subside.

But it was different now. Now I was old enough to understand what was being said, to understand the backstabbing, the gossip and everything else that goes on.

Over the years I have heard quite a few things that I knew I shouldn’t have, I’ve heard some things I wished I hadn’t have.

Thankfully some of the things I have heard over the years have been erased from my mind, well, I guess they’re still there and I just need the right (or wrong) trigger to bring it all back again, but I’m quite happy to continue forgetting some of the things I have heard.

Some of the most hurtful things have been the workplace gossip that went around after a former workmate and friend took advantage of me. We worked in a small family business (neither of us were related to the owners of the business), he seemed like a lovely guy, very quiet and softly spoken but when he got me on my own- he didn’t seem to understand that No means No. I was young and naïve at the time so was ashamed at what I had let happen to me so I tried to keep it all a secret. I felt it must have been my fault. Soon after, the gossip started. It went around like wildfire crossed with Chinese whispers. Things were blown out of proportion, imagination went wild to make it sound better for him (I guess)… I had to end up leaving that workplace.

Other more recent things I have accidentally over heard include extended family gossiping and bitching about each other and then when they are in each others company, they act all sweet towards each other as though they’re the best thing on Earth.
I don’t like this at all and find it hard to trust these people. I mean, if they are talking like that about other members of the family, what are they saying about me!? How can I trust a two-faced person? I honestly don’t think I can. I tried to gently hint that people may not be as sweet as they seemed but anything I said was brushed aside, or I’d be told I was just being silly, or that I was jealous because I didn’t have the same relationship with the other person as what they had.

Another thing I “heard” was actually on social media.
I had an acquaintance who was spreading rumours about me and I just happened to stumble over some of the posts she was writing about me and plastering around a major social media site. Apparently she had been warning everyone about me, saying they should stay clear of me as I was a mentally retarded person who could not be trusted and how I had so many problems, etc.
My true friends have stuck by me as they realised what was being said about me was all lies. Those who took her side and believed everything she typed were soon unfriended and blocked.

I have been fortunate enough to accidentally hear some good things being said about me. It feels exceptionally great when you realise people do actually realise what you do, or when people do take an interest in something you do and tell others about how great it is.
For someone with a very low self esteem, they couldn’t overhear anything better. The only thing that would be better than overhearing someone talk nicely about you is for someone to tell you how much they enjoy what you do, how much they appreciate what you do.
It’s all well and good to ASSUME that they know they’re doing a good job, but if they’re never told they are… how do they know they are?

From my experiences- both positive and negative, I have learnt that honesty is the best policy.
It’s best to approach a person and have a quiet word with them about any problems or issues that may arise.
Get the information straight from the horses mouth.
If you accidentally hear something you know you shouldn’t have it can be hard to look the person in question in the face again without having strong feelings towards them. The feelings could be mixed or straight out love or hatred for example- it all depends on who said what.
If you feel good about what someone says or something they do, or if you think they do something really well- please, please TELL THEM! It might very well be the only positive thing they hear that day, that week, that month or even that year.

**This was written in response to today’s Daily Prompt: http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2014/03/05/prompt-sleep/ **

Trust the process…

My mind is constantly thinking.

I can’t stop thinking. I think about anything and everything.
About what the kids are doing, about what my husband really thinks, about “What if?” moments.

I can’t relax completely as I always seem to have something on my mind.

My hubby and I had a great talk the other day. A talk where we actually spoke the truth, told each other our fears, our desires. Our needs and wants.
I felt I’d made progress, I’d felt I had finally got the courage to speak up and say everything that was on my mind.

The best part was that he seemed to understand what I was trying to say, even if he didn’t understand everything that has happened in my past, it felt as though he cared, felt as though he showed a true interest in me and what I was saying.

Well, I thought that was the case.

Don’t get me wrong, I do truly love him. He does whatever he can to help me get through my darkest days. He helps look after the kids, he does much of the work around the house and I am very very thankful of all that he does, I really am.

I just can’t seem to shake the feeling that I have when I am here.
Here in this house, the house that HE was raised in, that HE still lives in.

I guess I feel like some sort of imposter. Like a parasite that has wandered in and won’t leave.
Like the stray, flea-bitten dog that everyone feels sorry for. They want to kick it out on the street but feel sorry for it so continue to let it stay with them, eating heir food, using their things.

I think this is the main reason as to why I am so passionate about getting into our OWN house. I don’t care how it looks, as long as it gives our family a roof over our heads, keeps us dry and warm through the winter months, gives the kids the freedom to hang pictures on their walls, to dig and play in the backyard, to have pets, explore, discover.
To know what it is like to really live.

Just like a lot of things in life, the saying “don’t judge a book by it’s cover” certainly rings true.
Many people wear a mask to disguise the true hurt they are feeling, to disguise the loneliness and emptiness in their heart. They tell others that they’re fine, just to be polite but inside they are screaming out for someone to read their eyes, the windows to their soul, to see the hurt and pain, to see how much they are actually crying out for a bit of attention, for someone to shower them with love, for someone to say it is OK, that they don’t have to constantly wear a mask day in and day out.
That it is OK to have hopes and dreams that seem selfish, that seem to be far beyond anything they could ever imagine happening to them.

My psychologist often tells me to “Trust the process”.
She tells me that things will fall into place and that I have to try and help myself kick-start things so that first ball can start rolling and then hopefully everything else will just fall into place around it.

I want to believe her, I really do.
Some days I do believe things are looking my way, I feel great, good things happen to me, I feel I have reasons to smile, to laugh, to enjoy life.

But then I seem to hit a brick wall at full speed.
It is like someone, something realises I am starting to enjoy myself and they must make it stop, like it is a sin, like it is something I should not feel and therefore feel bad about.

This has happened to me today.

Since my hubby and I had our chat, I was feeling quite good about myself compared to what I usually do. I even started looking at various real estate sites to see what housing options could possibly be within our small budget.
There were actually places available, some were much nicer that I thought they would be too which was a pleasant surprise.
I even shared some property links with my hubby, showed him what I had found, showed him that there were cheaper properties that actually offered more than we thought they would.

Earlier this afternoon though, the guilt crept back. I started having the guilty thoughts again. It was wrong of me to be looking for homes for my family. I felt I was supposed to be really happy being here where I am, that I would be looked at as greedy, as selfish and ungrateful for looking for a different place to raise our family. A different house in a different town.
I felt it was wrong to say that there are in fact places we could possibly afford to buy, places that we could live happily in. Sure they’re not the same as here, nothing ever will be the same as here but for some reason I had a glimmer of hope that maybe… just maybe we might be able to seriously look for a home to raise our little family before our kids have all grown up and moved out on their own.

I think my problem is that I am too scared to trust the process.
I am too scared of losing those who I love the most. I think the problem is that I feel that if I try to chase after my life-long goals, I will somehow lose those I love along the way. It’s not something I want to do. I fear going after my hopes, my dreams and desires will push those I love away. A part of me says that I need to ignore all my urges, I should put everybody else before myself, I should keep everyone else happy first and then after everyone else has been pleased, if I have any strength left, only then should I consider possibly thinking about doing something for me.
I fear the process, I fear history repeating itself, I fear life itself at times.

When real life gets in the way of virtual life.

Isn’t it funny;
If we didn’t have internet connection, I wouldn’t be writing this blog, nor would you be reading it.

We seem to have come to rely on being connected to the virtual world almost 24/7 these days.
We seem to get upset, frustrated, worried and concerned if we don’t know what is happening online.

Our virtual lives may be better than the lives we live in real life, or they may be worse… they may even work hand in hand with each other.
I suppose it differs with each person.

A little while ago my virtual world was much more interesting and more attractive than what my real life has been,
but for the past week, it’s been the other way around.
I have been kept quite busy.
Some days it was doing things for other people… actually, most days it was doing things for others.
Sometimes I felt I was doing a good job, other times I felt I was being nothing but a burden to everyone whether I knew them or not.
On those bad days I felt like going into hibernation- hiding from the world until things got better again.
Those days were really bad for me as I would let everything get to me which has resulted in me getting next to nothing done.

It also stopped me contacting those who I feel close to (outside the house). I feel I have let my friends down as I haven’t been a very good friend lately, especially during my low days.

I wish I could just be happy like other people. I try to put a happy mask on and act as though nothing’s wrong, but lately it’s been hard for me to wear the mask.

My true feelings have been showing through too much.

The worst part is that when people ask how I am, all I seem to be able to manage is a shrug of my shoulders or saying “Same as always” or something to that effect.
I feel it is almost impossible for me to say exactly what I want to, to say exactly how I am feeling in fear that people will label me as being childish or trying to be an attention seeker.
The fact is that I am not trying to do either, I just feel like crap and can’t really explain why.

Some days I wish I could just drive somewhere nice, maybe a lovely shady park near a lake or creek or river, maybe in a little section of bush or a forest that is near by just so I can be at one with nature and try and reconnect with myself and nature in general.

I think the problem is a lot of the time I forget WHO I am.

I am always trying to please others and do what they need me to do for them. Much of the time what I do doesn’t seem to be enough, but the fact that I tried my hardest never seems to be good enough for them.

It’s quite soul-destroying really.
It is a vicious circle I’ve been stuck in for many years now.
As a child I tried my best and depending on who I was with, I was either a great little helper or nothing but trouble and a big hindrance. Sometimes behaving the same way would get mixed results- it just depended on who I was with at the time.

As a teen and young adult, I tried to please everyone I liked.
This often got me in trouble and as a result I was bullied. A. LOT.

During my school years, I tried to keep my bullies happy by buying them things so they wouldn’t hurt or tease me. Thankfully I received an allowance so I was able to bribe my bullies with lollies and such.
After I’d finished school and entered the workforce, I’d hoped that would have been the end of the bullying- after all, this was the “grown up, adult, working world” now.
How silly I was.

At first things were great. Everyone was friendly to the new girl. I tried to get to know all my workmates and then chose to be closer friends with a select few who I believed were really trust worthy.
Maybe I was just naïve, maybe I was too young and green to understand what others were capable of, how not everyone I would meet would be people I could trust.

I had, on a few different occasions, my so called friends take advantage of me.
I’d grown up a tom boy and had many true male friends growing up so felt more comfortable around guys than I did around other girls but that’s what got me in trouble. I was too trustworthy.

I kept it a secret for over a decade. I was too scared to tell anyone what they had done to me as I felt that it was my fault. I’d been told it was my fault as I told my boyfriend at the time what had happened and he didn’t seem to have any sympathy for me, nor did he offer to help me. He simply told me that I must have led them on and it was all my fault.

I have found it very hard to completely recover from.
I still get flash backs which affects my relationship with my husband (who I didn’t even know at the times I was abused).
For some strange reason, it feels wrong writing that I was abused. I guess I have always felt that it was my fault so I shouldn’t be making myself a victim now, even though I was a victim at the time.

I get angry at myself for letting it happen.
I get annoyed that the flashbacks still seem to rule my life at times, usually at the most inconvenient times.

It’s feelings like that that stop me from doing things I enjoy.
Even stop me from doing completely unrelated things such as going online and such. It just seems to get too much to handle and I feel that I can’t concentrate enough to get anything done.

I just wish there was an easy cure………