I feel so alone at the moment.
I just want to feel loved.
I just want to feel wanted.
I just want a hug.
I don’t want to feel alone.
I want to be loved.
I want to be wanted.
I want to feel as though i fit in.
One is really such a lonely number. It’s almost like zero.
One has zero friends, has zero family, has zero everything. Has nothing.
One is almost as bad as being a nothing or a nobody… sometimes it feels worse.
and you arrive at today.
It was about a year ago that my Nan was first diagnosed with the breast cancer.
It was about a year ago that my life changed more than i thought it ever would.
I feel so alone, even though i know i have a few friends and family that do care.
Others not so much, but a few do.
I have very strong feelings that the next 3 months are going to be very hard as it was this time of year- last year, that i spent so much time with Nan. Helping her in every way that i could. Even if it was just sitting with her by her hospital bed, or on the lounge next to her when i was looking after her.
I will never forget the little chats we had, the things she told to me that i will take to the grave- just as she took them to hers.
I thought the grief would lessen and life would be easier to live as time went on. But it seems that it isn’t the case.
As i type this, tears are running down my cheeks, i cannot stop them, nor do i think i want to stop them.
They are tears showing how much i miss my Nan, how much i loved her, how much i still love her. How i wish i could have her back with me.
Sometimes life really sucks. I can’t help but wonder what i have done so bad to deserve these obstacles in my life.
I just want to be free.
I just want to feel loved.
I just want to know who i am.
I feel that i have lost all meaning of life.
I am scared.
I hoped and prayed that the vicious nature of her once beautiful soul would taper off and reveal the person she once was.
I hold a glimmer of hope that there is still a flickering light of love somewhere in the depths of her soul.
A glimmer of hope that she will one day realise that her current ways are detrimental to not only her own health and well being but to others too.
It scares me to think what she could possibly do if she was to ever go through with her threats. That is what scares me the most.
My once courageous feelings of knowing that i WAS capable of almost anything have, over the years, tapered right off as her behaviour worsened.
I know parenting is a never-ending series of lessons about life, but this is getting a bit much at times.
I hope that one day, all this negative energy and outrage will taper off so much so that is is a far off memory that we can all put behind us.
It’s been a day i’d rather forget. A day i would rather just wipe out of my life. Just fall asleep and start fresh tomorrow… or relive today in a totally different way.
My eldest child (a moody teen) let all her frustrations out on me today… only verbally, but i think those words she hurled at me caused more pain than if she had’ve done anything else instead.
She got me to the point where i was having suicidal thoughts. The words hurt that bad.
It was like my own teenage years had returned, the days of when i was constantly being bullied, taunted, tormented, teased, put down…..
Except this time, my biggest bully was my own daughter.
My own flesh and blood.
I wish i knew what i had done wrong to cause her to lash out like she did… it’s not the first time though, she often treats me like this. She says i don’t deserve any respect from her. I know i DO deserve respect, but a small part of me believes her as i know i haven’t been the best Mum, especially in the first couple of years of her life. I could have done more back then, but i was young, naive, and still learning how to be a parent myself.
I have spent a lot of the day not really able to complete anything that i wanted to. Nor have i really been able to continue on with the things i wanted to get done. I have simply hidden in the bedroom all day. It’s usually where i feel safe, but not today. Even when my younger three came in to spend time with me, i still didn’t feel safe.
My eldest came to the bedroom a few times (she was cleaning her bedroom today which was a miracle in itself so i didn’t want to say anything bad to her) just to curse at me, just to tell me what a horrid person i was, to tell me how worthless i was.
For someone who has such a low self esteem, it doesn’t take much for me to withdraw and feel so much less wanted than the most worthless thing you could ever imagine.
I have started doing crafts to try and find some enjoyment in life again, i am enjoying it when i put my mind to it and it seems others like what i do too as i have orders to make items for other people and they want to pay me for it. That has to be a HUGE compliment when someone likes what you do enough to want to pay you to make things for them too.
But then, like today, shit hits the fan and it feels like my whole world is collapsing around me, it feels like i am being sucked into a deep dark chasm, unable to get out, unable to breathe, unable to fight back. When life just gets too complicated, too hard.
It would just be easier to simply give up. Let the bullies win. I am sure that would then allow everything to return to some type of normality- if i wasn’t around to cause all this trouble and commotion.
I am incredibly sad… yet i have no tears left to cry. I’m all cried out, but oh so empty within.
I need to find myself. I need to find… to realise that i do still belong. That i belong somewhere. That i do have a place on this earth, that i am still wanted and needed.
I just don’t know how to find that out.
Nobody can hear my cries for help.
cockatooscreeching 