Anxiety and sadness makes hours blur into weeks.

I didn’t realise it has been a month since i last wrote anything.

I was sure it was only last week.
I haven’t been feeling the best overall.
Some days are much better than others, but many of those days i have felt numb, anxious, sad, alone, disrespected… and at times scared. All for no apparent reason other than it’s just how my body/mind felt.

The days i have felt like shit, they were the ones which seemed to drag on and on… yet flew by so very fast. Hence why it is now about a month since i last wrote anything.

I have been turning to soft drink, lollies, chips and other junk foods for comfort. I know it is the wrong thing to do, but it seems to be the easiest.
The satisfaction is there… for a small moment, then i just feel guilt.
The guilt of putting crap foods into my body.
Why?
It isn’t nourishing. It isn’t doing my body any good doing so yet i continue to do it.  Almost. Every. Single. Day.

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Life as an Icicle

Sometime life feels like you are a icicle.
So solid and sturdy yet so fragile and breakable.

One minute you feel like you can see what is in front of you for quite a long time… the next second- you’re broken and plummeting in a downward spiral not knowing what is going to happen next.

Will you land in soft snow and transform into something new, or will you hurtle to the ground, shattering into millions of tiny pieces?

Are those of us with broken minds simply icicles hanging on for dear life… hanging on for dear life, hoping we can stay strong enough to let go when we are ready and have a soft, safe landing into the unknown?

Backflip

Less than 24 hours ago, i was in a room surrounded by women my age as well as a generation younger.
We were having a discussion which would have us learn about each other, about the other generation as well as learning about ourselves. It was extremely interesting.

If you’ve been following me for a while- you probably would’ve come to know that i have issues believing in myself, my mental health hasn’t been the best most of the time…..

Last night i had a new lease of life. I believed a small part of me could be successful like other women in the group from within my age group, i had a feeling that i WAS capable of almost anything i set my mind to.

This afternoon however, i came crashing back down to Earth. My 15yr old had to get her hair cut. The last time she had it cut would have been almost 3 years ago i guess. She got the grumps at the hairdressers so i told her we could just go home and not worry about getting it cut but she said it had to be cut as we were there anyway.
So, she had the slightest trim off the bottom to just level it off. It was something i could have easily done at home. I wasn’t angry that she made me feel like a worthless piece of shit at the Hair Salon, i was disappointed that she didn’t see anything wrong with putting me down in such a way in public. I shouldn’t have been surprised though as she has done it many times before and i am sure she will probably do it again in the future- it’s just who she is i guess.

When we got home, she started complaining about me making her get her hair cut. I was back at home so just went into the bedroom and started crying. I felt so bad, so worthless. I felt i was such a failure. Hours later, i still feel just as bad about myself. So much so, that i feel i should be punished in some way. I don’t know how but i feel like i should be treated like shit as i am not worthy of anything better.

I hate feeling like this but for so many years it has been my normal. Once in a blue moon (like last night), I am shown a glimmer of hope, a flicker of how my life could be if i wasn’t always so down and miserable.

I wish i could just snap out of it and cheer up. But i can’t.

This is what depression and anxiety looks like.

Such a Hindrance

I have felt like such a hindrance for quite some time now.

I have surgery tomorrow, but can’t help but feel i am such a huge hindrance to society. I will be getting an ovarian cyst removed which should be straight-forward surgery but i can’t help but think that internally, the surgeons will find something worse. Cancer? I don’t know.
But i have this gut feeling that all the pain i have been in for the past several months isn’t a good sign. I think it’s more than just the “simple cyst”.

I mean, i have been in pain for years and years… decades even. The locations of the pain vary from day to day, week to week. To me it is “normal”. I do not know life without pain. I do not know what true silence is; i have Tinnitus so late at night is when the sounds within my head are at their loudest. To me, trying to get to sleep when all is “quiet”, to me is actually deafening and next to impossible at times. I am kept awake for hours after everyone is already fast asleep due to the noises within.

My hearing is worsening too which is scaring me. There has been a gradual worsening of my hearing impairment over the past 5 years, but it seems to have got a lot worse over the past few months. It almost happened suddenly. I now have to lip read a lot or get people to speak up so i can hear them.

Surely the world would be better off without me? I mean, i can’t hear people talking as well as the majority of the population, i am constantly in pain, my health isn’t the best.
If i was an animal, a human in charge of me would be legally allowed to have me euthanized but because i am a human, it is illegal to do just that.

I just want to have a meaning, i want to mean something to people- especially those who supposedly love me.
I want to feel needed by someone…

I want to feel loved…

I don’t want to be a hindrance anymore.

Life gets trickier as you get older.

The older i get, the less i am enjoying life.

It has even got to the point where some days i really truly wished i didn’t exist.
It is like no matter what i do or say… or DON’T do or say, is never good enough for anybody.

I have a low enough self esteem as it is and am trying to deal with everything else going on in my life- most of which i don’t really understand to start with.
Having to feel unwanted and such an inconvenience to the world almost every day is really upsetting, but i hate showing that i am upset so i try to mask it which can be overwhelmingly exhausting at times.

Why can’t people just respect others and realise that we are all unique, we are all different, we all have own struggles and daily battles. What one person finds easy and no trouble- may be next to impossible for someone else and cause them so much stress and anxiety that they may just take their own life because of how it makes them feel?

Before you say or do something… just think for a second and ask yourself if it will have a negative impact on someone around you.

Don’t be the reason someone takes their life today.

Exhausted.

Today i saw my psychologist and we had a good chat about my recent health issues, family, friends, life in general, work and a few dark shadows of my past kept rising to the surface during our chat.

We spoke of life, death, caring for loved ones, suicidal thoughts, past interests & hobbies… many were things that i have not openly spoken about in quite a long while.
In a way it felt good to talk about things again… but it was an emotional roller coaster.

I didn’t realise that my teen years still played such a huge part in my life.

She picked up on it long before i did during our chat. I am glad she did. She knows that my mind may put ideas and thoughts into my head but i am smart enough to not let those bad thoughts take over my life and completely rule what i do.
That is something i am very thankful of, as if i played out some of the things that go on in my mind… i would either be in all sorts of trouble….. or dead.

Tonight i am completely and utterly exhausted. More than i have been in a long while.

I’m not sure if the exhaustion is due to old memories that resurfaced today, or if it was because this was the first time i had worked in about 6 weeks, or because i have just been so busy today- i have been on the go for close to 17 hours almost non-stop.

Now, it is time for bed and sleep.

I hope to get a good sleep. I don’t have to worry about an alarm tomorrow as i don’t have to work.

Good night everybody.

 

Low, lower, lowest

That’s pretty much how my self esteem has gone today.

I feel like no matter what or how much i do or don’t do, it will never be good enough for those around me.

There is always at least one person who has something negative to say, and usually one or two more to confirm their negativity, making the comment maker feel good about being rude towards others.

It really gets to me. It takes me back to the many years of bullying i had to put up with throughout my childhood, teens and into my early adult years.
Those words never leave you, and each time you hear them again- they usually end up with the victim having flashbacks of their troubled past.

I just wish it would stop.

If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.

River stones

Smooth and rounded, most things just slide by. Nothing really sticks around. Nothing physical anyway.

I am among many others all like me, some bigger or smaller, but we’re all ultimately the same. So many around me yet i am so alone.

Yet i am the one who feels what others don’t.
I am the one who feels the pain, who feels the iciness of life washing over everything on a daily basis. It is incredibly painful yet it is invisible so those who i want to understand, can’t.. or won’t.

It makes me want to wish this was the end. That the current would just pick me up like a piece of driftwood and carry me over the edge, into the turbulent waters below.
Surely it can’t be any worse than what i am currently having constantly wash over me.

Dark thoughts

My mind races at a million miles an hour.

So many thoughts race through my mind, so many negative thoughts and ideas. It haunts me to think that deep inside myself, i am so cold, so negative, such a horrid person.

I don’t want to believe that i am pure evil, i don’t want to think that it is who i am.

Everyone has bad thoughts from time to time, but surely it doesn’t make them a black souled individual for eternity?

Does it?

The true meaning of “I’m good, and you?”

That feeling when you’re on the phone to a friend and they ask how you are and you reply with “Doing as well as i can i guess” when you really just want to say:
“I feel like absolute shit. I feel like the world would be so much better off without me. No matter what i do, it’s never good enough. Regardless of if i do nothing or a lot, it’ll still never be good enough. I feel like i am an enormous burden on everybody. I just wish i knew what the fuck was wrong with me. Like, i sort of have a clue, but it doesn’t answer ALL my questions. I just want to feel healthy, to feel well and not be in pain and to not feel so drained and lacking energy every day. My kids rarely listen to me or do as i ask them to, other people seem to enjoy telling the kids to do the opposite to what i ask of them. It is just so mentally and physically draining. I just want to run away from life for a while. I have lost who i am. I don’t know who i am anymore.
I often wish i didn’t exist. It would make things so much easier for not only me, but everybody else in my life as they could get on with their shit without me holding them back.”