Silent Fear

Life goes on. We all know this, but some days it feels as right now could very possibly be the last moments of your life.

Things get unbearable, negative thoughts rule over anything else which would otherwise make you take a few deep breaths and know things will be okay.

It is hard to breathe, it is hard to think straight. It is hard to believe anything people tell you. You find it even harder to explain to others how you are feeling and it is impossible to tell others that you need help. Right. Now.

It seems that everyone else has their shit together. Everyone else has their life in order.
Except you.
No one’s life is more fucked up than yours at this very moment.

Well, that’s what the voices in MY head tell me on an almost daily basis.

I hate it. I wish i could be happy and feel confident.

But it seems something is always holding me back.

The voice is always telling me i am never good enough. Or that i am too fat. Too ugly. Will never have the abilities to do what i dream of doing.

I want to prove those voices wrong.
But the voices are usually too strong and i constantly put myself down.

Advertisements

What a day!

It has been one big exhausting day for me today.
It wasn’t a very busy one… just a regular day… but my anxiety peaked more than it has in quite sometime.

Today’s hot weather and humidity didn’t help… neither did me hardly eating anything and not drinking much today but i just felt so bad that i felt i didn’t deserve to eat or drink.

It got so bad this evening that i couldn’t stop my hands from shaking… it wasn’t too noticeable, except when i was holding things… and at the time i was helping my little ones write their lists for who they want to give Christmas cards to… i just had to clench my hands and hope they didn’t notice as they didn’t deserve to be dragged into my problems.

Here i was thinking i was getting my life back together… getting into a bit of a routine again, starting to feel a little bit better about myself… then today it was like i got hit by a truck and now i feel i am ten steps behind where i was a few days ago.

This has not only affected me mentally, but also physically as i have been aching quite a bit lately. It is worst when i am idle… I don’t notice the pain when i am doing things.

I just hope that things ease up a bit over the next few days…
I thought this Christmas would be a hard one for me, but i didn’t expect things to start going wrong just yet…

October 10th- put it in your diaries!

October 10th is World Mental Health Day, a day where we can celebrate our uniqueness, where we can discuss how our condition affects us for the better and/or worse.

We shouldn’t restrict this to one day a year though- we should be able to freely talk about mental health whenever we want. There shouldn’t be a stigma attached but unfortunately it seems to still be the case in today’s society… although we are getting better. There are more people who are willing to listen and try to understand.

I was watching an interesting show tonight called Diaries of a Broken Mind. It followed a handful of people for a while and got their personal stories and saw them when they were going through both highs and lows.

If you get the chance to see this documentary for yourselves, i highly recommend you watch it. It was very interesting.

My thoughts are a bit all over the place at the moment as watching some shows tonight stirred up memories that i must have had buried deep in my memory.

Hopefully my next blog entry will make more sense and flow better…

Late night thoughts and musings.

Random thoughts in a confused mind cannot always be a good thing… or is that a bad thing?

Having flashbacks of bad things really messes with me, not only me but with my relationships with my loved ones and friends and acquaintences.
Triggers happen without warning and the reactions i have to those triggers can leave me having bad anxiety attacks, or i can start crying or sobbing uncontrolably and sometimes it even causes me to just freeze in terror waiting for it to all be over or to stop.

My youngest child is almost too old to still be in a pram, but he has recently started asking me if he can get a new pram so i can take him for speedy walks (I used to take him for long walks in the pram and when feeling energetic enough- i’d go for short jog legs too), so earlier this week i saw a second hand pram that was very affordable plus it was everything we needed so i bought it.
Today we went for a walk. The smile on his face was worth every cent i paid. I haven’t been well lately so couldn’t do too much jogging due to not having as much energy as i usually have but the couple of short jogs i did manage made im laugh and helped me to see something good cme out of the day.
Don’t get me wrong, i didn’t have a bad day at all, i just find it quite hard to show emotions and express myself outside of my mind. It may sound silly but it’s just who i have unfortunately become.

Every day, almost without fail, INSIDE my mind i will laugh, have lots of good thoughts, dance, sing and celebrate, but i also have periods where i am sick and tired of also having negativity in my life and it is during these times that i think it’d make everything better if i wasn’t around at all.
I don’t know if i mean me not existing, or if it just means me being physically far away from everyone, or even disappearing off the face of the earth. I just don’t know.

I do remember that there used to be a big part of my life when i never felt like this… I can’t help but wonder if it is because back then, when i wasn’t depressed and anxious; if it was because my grandfather was alive ( was his shadow as a child) or because i had pets, a social life, hobbies i could throw myself into without the fear of being judged… I just don’t know.

I know i have been craving having a pet for many years now- over a decade to be precise. I really want to get a shelter dog. I have had pet dogs throughout my childhood, they are so loyal and give endless love, plus they seem to know what you’re feeling and when you need someone by your side. I think i crave the love and loyalty of a pet, deep down i know owning a dog will quite possibly heavily reduce the amount of times i need to visit the Doctors, owning a dog could quite possibly reverse the effects of the bad things that have happened to me in the past, it could help to lessen my anxiety and depression symptoms too. But while i don’t have a pet… i will never know.
One thing i know for sure, is that owing a dog will be a great reason for me to get regular exercise as it will need walking each day which means that i won’t be able to be so anti-social and keep to myself most of the time.

Keeping one’s mind from over-thinking things

I sit here with my 2 youngest children asleep on the bed next to me. It is after 1am.

My husband was going out to dinner with his sports team which i am completely fine with as they’re a great bunch of men and he wouldn’t think of doing anything dangerous or stupid.
BUT, he’s been gone for 6 hours now and i can’t help but begin to wonder if he’s OK. When he goes out like this he’s usually only gone for about 4 hours at the most…
It is raining here at the moment which is making me worried as i’d hate to think that he has been involved in a car accident and i’m none the wiser about it.

I know i shouldn’t worry as he’s a grown adult and should be trusted to make his own decisions.

i just can’t help but wonder if he’s not replying to my texts because his battery went flat or has he got his phone on silent or turned off?
I simply don’t know- this isn’t like him.

I’m even wondering if one of the guys has for some unknown reason spiked one of his drinks? He doesn’t drink alcohol and they all know and respect that too, but what if one of them did that to him after THEY got drunk and he didn’t realise until it was too late?

I just can’t help but over think things and it is all the over thinking that i do that makes my anxiety so much worse…

Uncertainty

Setting out into the dark I watched for a glimpse of life. The flicker of eyes, the warmth of a breath on a cold winter’s night, the sound of a smile…

There was nothing.

Into the darkness was more darkness and unknowing. There was no sign of life, no sign of existence.

Where exactly was I? I was still standing so I knew there was gravity and I must still be on Earth.

The silence was unbearable. Not being able to hear anything at all was deafening. Not being able to see was blinding.

It was all to much for me to comprehend. I didn’t want to go back to where I had been yet I was scared to continue going forward in fear of what may lie ahead of me.

I felt naked. Alone. Scared.

I wanted to reach out yet I felt I was bound tightly and could not move at all.

I could feel myself drowning. Drowning in a pool of nothingness.
Nothing. At. All.

I wanted to scream out for help yet when I opened my mouth, no words came out. I was unable to talk, unable to make any audible noises.

I want to cry yet my body is as arid as the driest of dry deserts- parched and lifeless if viewed from the outside
BUT
If you take a closer look you would realise there is life within.

There are tears trying to come out, screams of pain, of pleading.
I was not drowning, I was safe.

Hands reached out to me, my body draped in soft cloth with loved ones nearby.

Everything was becoming clearer than it had ever been before.
I could hear the wind howling, I could hear all the animals, running water, rustling leaves.

I could see it all.

I was alive.

Damn you Insomnia!

It’s just after 4am and I still can’t get tired enough to fall asleep.

The laughter of Kookaburras can already be heard even though the sun isn’t expected to come up for about another 2 hours yet.

I have the TV on quietly to help buffer the ringing, the shrilling in my ears that is my constant companion- Tinnitus.
When it is at it’s worst, like now- I am almost too scared to think about sleeping. The thought of laying with my head on the pillow worries me. I hate having to listening to deafening silence. Well, there’s not actually any silence at all,  not even when everything in the house has been turned off.. I doubt I will ever be able to turn off the squealing in my ears.

I know I should try get some sleep as I have a family to look after, but I seem to be wired, unable to get to sleep.
I do not know if it is due to the tinnitus or if it is something else.
I have spoken to my GP about being unable to sleep at night, but so far they don’t seem to be concerned.

I just wish I had answers.

Staying up all night makes me feel like not only a bad Mum but also a bad wife.
It is like I am living a separate life to the rest of my family.
That’s NOT what I want.

I just want things to sort themselves out…

Sleep would be nice…

…if I knew how to.

I’ve fallen into the deepest depths.

And just like that- the black dog bites again.

Well, it didn’t bite that suddenly, I’ve felt like crap for quite some time now… I mean I’ve had feelings of worthlessness my whole life and the depression has been with me, I mean REALLY WITH ME for over 11 1/2 years now.
I guess it has just slumped to a new low over the past couple of months- since I got sick with the bad bug going around and then hurting my back twice in 4 days right as I was starting to get better from the initial illness that made me feel horrible.

It’s hard talking about it, especially to people who haven’t experienced it themselves. I am happy to talk about how I feel, but I am usually left made to feel that I am just trying to get attention, made to feel that I’m a spoilt brat who has a hissy fit if I don’t get my way. Others seem to get upset and angry with me when I don’t “just snap out of it”.

I wish I could snap out of it and grow up a bit.
I really do. It would make life so much easier.
You know what?! If I could choose to snap in or out of my depression and anxiety just like that- I’d choose not to be bloody depressed or anything to start with!!!!!

Happiness surrounds my life. I’m constantly seeing strangers, friends and family members enjoying themselves. I mean really enjoying themselves. They look so full of life and so happy.

I want to be happy. There are things in life that I used to thoroughly enjoy, I still enjoy doing them, but I just can’t seem to be happy or show how glad I am anymore.

It makes me feel like a heartless bitch. I hate that word, I really do. But it’s how I feel about myself.

Since I hurt my back and it resulted in me being “stuck” in bed for a length of time I have been able to complete a number of needlework tapestries.
I guess when I do tapestry, it’s a form of meditation for me. It could be the repetition of feeding the needle and thread up and down through the holes in the canvas that I find relaxing. It’s almost hypnotic I guess. I wouldn’t say I go into a trance when stitching, but I do find it helpful a lot of the time. It allows me to forget about my troubles and pain to an extent, it keeps my mind busy as I think about where the needle will next go.
The worst thing though, is that I feel hopeless to an extent, it is as though I am being excessively selfish, greedy and thoughtless towards my husband and children and the extended family.

I grew up with my Mum doing a lot of crafts… I guess she spent much of her time doing craft and buying me supplies to do various crafts too that I just assumed it was a normal part of everyday life. That is one thing I do give my Mum credit for. Not stopping me from doing creative things.
She may not have had the best mothering skills, but she did buy me a lot of things, she kept me clothed in clothes I was happy to wear, she was always buying me craft supplies for the new craft ideas and plans I had and she’d keep me well supplied with junk food… Looking back on it now, I wish she had’ve been a bit stricter there, but she ate a lot of rubbish herself so I guess it was just a case of monkey see monkey do.
By what I can remember, Mum used to buy me all those things because she’d say she really did love me and would prove it that way- by buying me materialistic things to make up for all the times she’d yell at me saying that I should never had been born, how I was an accident, how she wished I never existed, saying that my father was scum (I’ve never met him and nothing was really said about him so how was I to know if he was a good or bad man?), the gifts also made up for all the other hurtful things I had to listen to, for the times she smacked me for doing something she didn’t think was right, for the times she ignored me in front of her other friends because I had the hide to speak up and tell her not to drink or smoke (She was never a drinker or smoker, but her “friends” pretty much made her drink and smoke when she was around them), for the times she raised a hand at me, threatened me…
I think the reason why I didn’t really say anything was because I was an only child and knew it was my fault… well, I assumed it was my fault as I had no one else around me who could have caused all that. My Nan and Pop had taught me good manners, I knew not to talk back to my elders (well, except for those times Mum made me snap when she was doing what I thought was wrong things), surely Mum wouldn’t have said all those nasty things if they were lies…

Maybe that’s why my anxiety is now at an all time high when I go to visit Nan and Mum. Mum still snaps, but these days I am a grown adult with my own children and I feel that I have to stand up for my kids and not let them be treated the same way that Mum behaved around me. Mum still yells at us, she greets us at the door with an “Oh, It’s you- you won’t be here long will you?”, she tells my kids to “Go play on the freeway” or if she’s having a bad day, any of us will be told to simply “Fuck Off!” although that is usually muttered under her breath but loud enough for us all to hear it.
I do try to visit Nan when Mum’s gone out, but it doesn’t always work out that way.

I’m sure Mum needs help, I’m sure she has some Mental Health issues going on too- I’m sure she’s undiagnosed but unfortunately it’s a very taboo topic at Nan’s house. If anything is even subtly mentioned about Mum going to see a decent doctor, Nan says “You know your Mum gets a bit nervy and such, you’ve just got to give her room, give her space and ignore her until she’s come to her senses again”.

As easy as it would be to turn my back on her, she’s still my Mum.
Some days I do think it would be easier if she wasn’t around but she’s my Mum and I guess I just have to make do with who she is and hope I don’t see her too much on her bad days.

I want to be the best Mum I can possibly be for my kids (and the best wife I can be for my hubby) but with the flashbacks I almost constantly have from my childhood, I am often left doubting myself, scared I am turning into my own mother- the person who I was often scared of back then, and even now- I don’t like being around her too much for fear of being put down or having her say bad things about me to my kids.

I know I need more help myself, but I just don’t know how much more I can take. I have a number of “Invisible illnesses/issues” that affect me quite a bit on a daily level, but because no one else can see them, I am made to feel that I am faking it.

That is what hurts the most- to think that those who I love, think I am faking my problems.

When explaining why I am afraid to do certain things is due to flashbacks makes me feel like I am worthless and selfish- that’s what hurts and cuts deep. It is worse than rubbing salt into a wound.

Some days I wonder if everyone would be better off without me around. I could easily disappear and I am sure no one would miss me.
The only thing stopping me doing that though is me. I am too scared of the consequences. What would happen to those I leave behind?

The Unsafe Containment of Anxiousness

I find it hardest to contain my anxiousness, especially in situations that I have minimal control over.
If I am having a bad day to start with, it doesn’t take much to push me to my limits. It is then I get very fidgety, I’m almost constantly looking around, trying to find the nearest way out, trying to stay near a doorway or gate- ready to escape if I feel the need to do so.

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/dp_prompt/unsafe-containers/

Feeling hollow and worthless.

It has been quite a while since I wrote a blog entry about what is on my mind. I think it’s been 6 weeks or so now.

I just don’t know what to think.
I feel that I have let my husband and children down by not being able to be the person they feel I should be for them.

My anxiety and depression has seemed to take over me.
I decided to make a positive change in my life by focusing on eating healthy, controlling my portion sizes (I’ve been known to indulge on foods I really enjoy a little too much), and trying to better my fitness by exercising at least a few times a week. I have been enjoying going for brisk walks and doing gardening.

I even signed up to participate in a government health initiative to help me keep aiming for my goals of losing weight and getting fitter. I am not following the plans exactly, but I don’t try to dwell on my “stuff ups” too much, I just try to see tomorrow as a fresh start and keep going.

But I feel lost.

I feel as though a part of me is dying. I can’t quite put my finger on it.

I find that I am continuously imagining scenarios of where we are a happy family- where we have no worries in life, where the kids aren’t constantly fighting or in tears. I just want us to all be happy- my hubby, our 4 kids and me.

I believe we deserve to be happy.

Unfortunately though- I can’t help but feel that I am the common denominator as to why everyone is always upset, feeling hurt, frustrated and just becoming angry in general.

I feel I am re-living my childhood again. Not all of it though- just the bad bits. The bits I would rather forget. The bits I never wanted MY children to experience.

It scares me.

I don’t want to fall into a hole so deep that I can’t find a way out. I have been there before, as a teenager, when I was constantly being bullied by my peers at school.
It was at that time in my life that I didn’t want to live any longer- the only thing I felt I had to live for was my grandparents and my pets. If it wasn’t for them, I don’t think I would be here today.

I want to enjoy life again. I want to go on picnics with my family. I want to teach my children lots of things that I learnt as a child.

I just feel that whenever I suggest something, it isn’t taken seriously.

I don’t know what to say anymore without feeling stupid about it.

I want to be taken seriously.

If I am passionate about something, I’ll fight for it. If I truly believe that it is unachievable, I won’t chase it. I’ll just let it go… for now.

Everything happens for a reason- if it isn’t meant to be then it won’t happen… but dreams CAN and DO come true.