When the pain gets too much.

too strong too long

A post of few words.
The above image says it all.

I have had tears welling up in my eyes for the smallest little reasons lately.
I do honestly think it is because i am trying to be strong… stronger than i probably need to be.

I have been trying to shrug off physical and emotional pain and pretend none of it existed and that i was “fine”.
Well, i’m not fine and i feel i need some time and space to really find myself again.

I just don’t know how to go about it…

When a picture doesn’t necessarily tell a thousand words.

Zoo sign

They say a picture tells a thousand words, but in this case, i highly doubt it.
It just brings one to have many questions spring into one’s mind.

I’m not sure how old this sign actually is.
The place where i took it is 100 years old and judging by the font, i’m thinking it could possibly be 1920-1940’s?
I don’t think it’d be much younger than that.

Why didn’t they want the public going through that gate?
Was there something dangerous on the other side?
Was something illegal going on?

When i looked beyond the gate, there didn’t seem to be much at all, just a heap of overgrown plants and shrubbery.
Once upon a time though, it could have held back so much more….

Finding my feet and the rest of me too.

I have joined up to blogging 101 for another year as i got a bit lazy with my blog for the best part of this year.

i joined up to this community/class so i could get back in touch with my blog and get back into the swing of things and start a good blogging habit once again.

I hope to be able to finish Blogging 101 knowing i have learnt new skills, better ways to write and blog, knowing i have done my best to expand my interests and networked with other wordpress members, i would love to find other blogs out there that i can relate to, other blogs that i can look to for inspiration and admire.

Most of all though, i hope i can finish this and walk away a new person, someone who has learnt more about themself as not only a person, but also a blogger and writer.
If i can find my feet and become a better person- even just a little bit, then that is progress for me.

If Tim Tams disappeared tomorrow

If Tim Tams disappeared tomorrow

Tim Tams are such a tasty treat
For most people that I know,
They could eat an entire pack
Which their waist lines won’t even show.
But I am not like those friends
I find these treats quite sickly,
They are for me a seldom treat
To enjoy and seduce me.
My favourites would be white choc
Or a dark choc with mint crème,
Funnily enough though I’m not a bickie fan
In my possession they are rarely seen.
Although if Tim Tams disappeared tomorrow
I think it would be quite upsetting,
They are after all, an Aussie icon
The rest of the world- they are really missing!
Tim Tams may not be everyone’s cup of tea
But they do seem to be quite popular,
I hope they continue to be seen on the shelves
So people can have them with their cuppas, ha?
If Tim Tams disappeared tomorrow
I would shed a little tear,
Another little Aussie being put to sleep
It is something that I fear.
Two crunchy little biscuits
With a tasty crème in between,
All covered in delicious chocolate
A chocolate biscuit lover’s dream.

Late night thoughts and musings.

Random thoughts in a confused mind cannot always be a good thing… or is that a bad thing?

Having flashbacks of bad things really messes with me, not only me but with my relationships with my loved ones and friends and acquaintences.
Triggers happen without warning and the reactions i have to those triggers can leave me having bad anxiety attacks, or i can start crying or sobbing uncontrolably and sometimes it even causes me to just freeze in terror waiting for it to all be over or to stop.

My youngest child is almost too old to still be in a pram, but he has recently started asking me if he can get a new pram so i can take him for speedy walks (I used to take him for long walks in the pram and when feeling energetic enough- i’d go for short jog legs too), so earlier this week i saw a second hand pram that was very affordable plus it was everything we needed so i bought it.
Today we went for a walk. The smile on his face was worth every cent i paid. I haven’t been well lately so couldn’t do too much jogging due to not having as much energy as i usually have but the couple of short jogs i did manage made im laugh and helped me to see something good cme out of the day.
Don’t get me wrong, i didn’t have a bad day at all, i just find it quite hard to show emotions and express myself outside of my mind. It may sound silly but it’s just who i have unfortunately become.

Every day, almost without fail, INSIDE my mind i will laugh, have lots of good thoughts, dance, sing and celebrate, but i also have periods where i am sick and tired of also having negativity in my life and it is during these times that i think it’d make everything better if i wasn’t around at all.
I don’t know if i mean me not existing, or if it just means me being physically far away from everyone, or even disappearing off the face of the earth. I just don’t know.

I do remember that there used to be a big part of my life when i never felt like this… I can’t help but wonder if it is because back then, when i wasn’t depressed and anxious; if it was because my grandfather was alive ( was his shadow as a child) or because i had pets, a social life, hobbies i could throw myself into without the fear of being judged… I just don’t know.

I know i have been craving having a pet for many years now- over a decade to be precise. I really want to get a shelter dog. I have had pet dogs throughout my childhood, they are so loyal and give endless love, plus they seem to know what you’re feeling and when you need someone by your side. I think i crave the love and loyalty of a pet, deep down i know owning a dog will quite possibly heavily reduce the amount of times i need to visit the Doctors, owning a dog could quite possibly reverse the effects of the bad things that have happened to me in the past, it could help to lessen my anxiety and depression symptoms too. But while i don’t have a pet… i will never know.
One thing i know for sure, is that owing a dog will be a great reason for me to get regular exercise as it will need walking each day which means that i won’t be able to be so anti-social and keep to myself most of the time.

Hopes and dreams for a better me.

I know i have been overweight for sometime now and although i am somewhat relaxed with my eating style, i think i am now makimg progress.

My pants have started to get a bit loose on me and today i went out and bought a second hand jogger pram so i can take my youngest child for long walks around our local area (or where ever i want to walk really).
My little one is really looking forward to coming on walks with me, once i get my fitness back a bit and don’t get puffed out so easily, i’ll start going on hilly walks- pushing a pram and toddler up and down hills has to be good for me.

Today i decided that tomorrow would be a busy day for me. I plan to mow an elderly relatives front and back lawns, possibly do a bit of gardening while i’m there and then take my little one for a 5-10km walk in the pram.

That’s my plans… i hope i am able to get everything all done, but if i don’t, i will not beat myself up about it and eat crap like i usually do.
I’ll remind myself that i can get back to things “now” and keep going, it’s a fresh start from the minute i decide it is.

I have always been hard on myself, blaming myself for everything regardless of whose fault it was/is.
This is something i have to get on top of, with the support of my hubby, friends and health professionals i hope it will happenn sooner rather than later.

Lets hope this is the start of the new me.